Moments of Change

I’ve had so many things happen over the last two weeks that some days it’s hard to make sense of any of them. Unexpected events as well as things I saw coming from a distance have suddenly jumped on my back like the baggage of a traveling circus. Sometimes there’s just no way to hide from it.

I wish I could wander into an imaginary land and sit quietly under a tree. I would watch a red, orange and yellow leaves gently float through the sky after being blown from the trees. I would concentrate on my breathing until nothing else existed. My mind would be free from conscious thought and if only for a minute I would be a peace.

If I could walk into the closet and continue walking right on through it into a dream I most certainly would do it. I’m not sure my dream would be like the Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, but I’m sure I would be able to add a few fantasies as I made my way to the Utopian state that I imagined before opening the door.

Unfortunately I can’t do either of those things. Instead, I have to lay my head on the pillow every night. I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling. It has been a long time since I’ve experienced nights like the ones I’ve become accustomed to over the last two weeks. There are people I want to yell out to, but there’s nobody there to hear me. There are others that I want to gently nudge to get them moving in the right direction. Still, there are others who I would like to sit back and listen to as they share their thoughts.

When I eventually fall asleep I don’t stay in that relaxed state too terribly long. By around 2:30 every morning I have to get up because of the nagging pain in my hip. I’m sure it will go away at some point, but right now it’s a nuisance.

By the time the alarm clock starts singing at 5am I know it’s the beginning of a new day. I never know what to expect. Lately it seems that no matter what I do there’s someone that feels they have to judge me. It might be from something I said or it might be from the way I acted during a certain situation. No matter what the reason I can’t seem to escape from it.

I’ve made mistakes just like the next person. Sometimes other people just can’t figure me out. I can deal with that but when some of these people continue telling me why I act the way I act it tends to get under my skin. I don’t purposely hurt people. It’s not in my nature.

I’ve always been the protective type. I try to protect my friends and family. I might say too little or not enough. Although I haven’t always done the right thing at the time I did it I believed I was doing it in the best interest of the person or people I was trying to protect.

I’ve realized that the gap in communication can be overwhelming when a person gives meaning to your actions. Nobody can know why you do what you do except for you. I’ve had angry words said to me, fingers pointed at me and I’ve been ignored by others. In the end it’s all because of one thing. That thing is because I didn’t do what the people thought I should do. I failed to live up to their expectations.

How many of you have experienced situations like that in your life? If you haven’t experienced it you haven’t lived. I’ve always been very quiet by nature. I’ve never talked very much with any of my co-workers or casual acquaintances. I find that it makes my life much simpler. I also go through times when I don’t talk to the people closest to me because I don’t know what to say. I might not even know how to say something if I do have something to say so I remain quiet.

I don’t like drama and I don’t need it in my life. I’ve had a tendency to be really short with people when I feel it coming. If they keep pushing I have a habit of trying to explain myself which leads to more drama. I’ve realized it’s just not worth it. If people can’t except you for who you are, how much you appreciate them and the way you act then you need to look for the answers as to why you let them bother you.

You see, when I jumped into the dream and found myself on the side of the mountain under that tree,  I didn’t have to deal with anything. I focused on my breathing and nothing else. As I exhaled I could see all of the stress and unwanted negativity exiting through the top of my head. Seconds ran into minutes and before long I was so deeply engrossed in breathing that I had no place for any outside interferences to make their way into my being. After all, that’s what meditation is. We focus on every breath. We acknowledge passing thoughts without addressing any of them. This frees our mind and brings internal peace.

My life was much simpler when I chose not to engage in conversations that had no purpose other than trying to expose hidden truths. I’m headed back to that secret place. That place where everyone around me wonders what I’m thinking. Instead of asking for my opinion they’ll steer clear because they know that I’ll give a one word answer. I’m not here to be involved in the battles between people. I’m here to enjoy the relationships I have without finding myself in unfamiliar territory where I shouldn’t be.

Since I’ve been rambling on about changes I’ll leave you with a quote that sums up how I feel tonight. Sometimes change brings bitterness and happiness at the same time. Sometimes it doesn’t affect people the same and causes some tension.

Those who expect moments of change to be comfortable and free of conflict have not learned their history. ~Joan Wallach Scott

With all change comes some type of conflict. The conflict might be within yourself, amongst others or it might be with the people you left behind or the people you have yet to meet.  These moments of change are what define our character. We’re the only ones that can do something about it. In the end it doesn’t matter what other people think about us as long as they respect us. And respect isn’t given it’s earned.

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