Every now and then I hit what I would term as a rough patch. I seem to have found my way there over the last few days. I’ve had more alone time than I have in as long as I can remember. Although I usually cherish the time alone it wasn’t conducive to my quiet mind.
I have always been an over-thinker and that will probably never change. I try to understand everything even if there’s nothing to be understood. I’ve had a few things happen along the way that make me somewhat hesitant to open up and let the most important people in. I’m sure that will fade as time goes by, but right now it’s draining me. It becomes a battle when you question your choices on a daily basis.
The one thing that keeps me moving forward is the goal that I set for myself. I still hold a few goals close to my heart and I’ll do everything I can to attain those goals. I would like to build my own home one day and I would also like to eventually be married again. The picture is a little cloudy when I gaze at it right now. I know that certain things have to line up perfectly in order to achieve the goals that I have set for myself. After going through hell for a few years at least I have finally established exactly what I need to be happy, satisfied and content in a relationship.
There’s not a person out there who is perfect and it would be senseless to look for one. Rather, a person who is supportive, understanding and willing to grow with me on a daily basis is what I need. I believe that far too many people settle for a person far less than what they deserve or need. Over the years I feel that I have become a much better judge of people. It’s easier for me to indentify red flags. It’s also easier for me to pick out characteristics that go well with my lifestyle. In the end it makes it much easier to choose someone to have as a partner. The search is the hardest part, especially at this age. Although you’re supposed to learn from your mistakes I don’t ever want to make another mistake in choosing a partner that I will share my life with. It’s demoralizing when you’re left with nothing, but a small bit of your pride. In the end that’s what you have to use to get you through to better days.
I’m glad I was able to stand strong and come through the other side. I think there are still great things waiting to happen in my life. I’m not sure that I will ever live out my number one dream, but I like to keep a tiny bit of hope that the dream hasn’t been lost forever. That’s where life is so mysterious. We wake up every day and never know what will happen.
Every morning when I wake up I’m just thankful to be alive. My life has been nothing short of amazing so far and I like to hope that it’s far from being over. However, that’s the mystery of life. Any one of us could be killed today in a freak accident. That’s why it’s so precious to tell the people that you love how you feel about them. There’s not one person on this earth that doesn’t like to know that they make a difference in the life of another. I’m as guilty as the next person. I probably don’t tell the people that I should, but I do try.
As I’ve grown older I’ve become more aware of the people around me. I used to keep everything inside. I’m not sure why, but it seemed to suit me the best that way. Now, I choose this forum to relay my thoughts to a general audience. It’s easier this way because I can sit anonymously behind a keyboard. The only emotion I deal with while sitting here is my own. I have shed tears while writing in the past and I’m sure I will in the future. I’ve welcomed many warm smiles to my lips as my mind danced in the memories from different periods of my life.
I’m not really sure where I’m going right now. This is probably the most confusing time I’ve dealt with in a long time. I don’t get too far ahead of myself. I’m living in the moment and addressing the fear and excitement as it comes along. Although I’ve said it before, I still feel like I’m on the edge of something bigger than life. I can’t quite put a hand on it, but I can feel it lurking. It follows me around and I can feel it inside my soul.
I look forward to the coming months that will let spring roll into summer. I believe this summer as I turn 40, I will be welcomed with a new life with a different outlook. I’m more than ready to go places I’ve never been and experience things I’ve never imagined. I never give up hope because a person without hope has nothing. Everybody wants to be loved as well, but through hope and faith come love. I will never stop hoping. This summer is going to bring me new life. It’s going to be a new beginning in a land that I’ve never been before. I’m pretty sure of it.
As for now, one foot goes in front of the other as I breathe in and breathe out. As with anyone I’m still searching, but I have meaning behind my search. I know exactly what I’m looking for, unlike so many others. I will find it no matter how long it takes. As my dad told me when I was a child, “If you have enough patience and persistence you will be successful.” Well, I’ve been more than patient and I’ve always been persistent because I simply don’t know how to give up.