Will I Ever Find My Way?

Today was the beginning of a long week. My mind is running rampant and I have no solution to the problem. I guess you could say that I’m an emotional mess right now. I’m not even sure why, but it probably stems from a combination of things. Whenever I convince myself that I’m finally turning the corner something smashes me in the face and I get tossed around like a rag-doll once again. I’m so tired of the emotional ups and downs that I would just like to go far away someplace to figure it all out. Sometimes I feel like I have given so much in my life and in return nothing ever seems to work out. I even feel like throwing the towel in occasionally, but I know that won’t do any good. Instead I put one foot in front of the other and march forward. I know that sooner or later I’ll have to come across something that will take me out of this horrible place I’ve been for so long. I won’t go as far as complaining, but I really think I deserve a break. I try my hardest to help other people. I try to bring out the best in them and show them that their optimism can bring them places that they’ve never imagined.

I have to take a step back to the weekend where I encountered a situation that made it feel like the wheels fell of the bus.  I never go to bars and there are specific reasons why. However, I decided that since I had some friends that were celebrating their birthdays I would be kind enough to join. I knew from the beginning that it probably wasn’t in my best interest, but I wanted to be there for them. I would make an appearance and leave.

The night didn’t start out as I had planned and it went downhill quickly from there. I went alone and planned on staying for an hour or two at the most. As I began talking I lost track of time and before I realized it, it was after midnight. I knew I had to get up early the following day and I wanted to be well rested for the drive.

Most of my evening was spent listening to one of my friends. I could feel her pain as she told me about some things going on in her life. I’ve been friends with her for well over 20 years and I tried to be as supportive as possible, but it was a very uncomfortable situation for me in a place that I didn’t want to be. Before I knew it I could feel some awful memories taking over inside of me. Things that I had buried in my past and tried so hard to forget. Then, a few things happened where I couldn’t hide from them any longer. I knew I was in trouble and there was absolutely no place to hide. I wanted so badly to be alone, but I also would have done anything in the world to be held just so I knew that everything would be ok. All of the horrible things that had happened in my past in and amongst bars slapped me so hard in the face almost instantly that I didn’t even know where to begin. Then, my phone rang. I looked at the caller id and realized that I had to answer it. I took the call and went outside. It was my dear friend who had just left the bar. She was in tears and wanted me to come sit with her to talk about her problems in a different atmosphere. I politely declined and felt like crap about doing so.

As a few people began leaving and I thought a few other people had left I said my goodbyes to everyone and headed on my way. As I walked out the door and slowly made my way to the car I was lost. I was a soul searching for what no person could ever give me. I just wanted a small glimpse of a normal life again where I can give, receive and find my own way again. I can’t believe how hard life seems sometimes. Every decision that I make lately seems like the wrong one. I would like one decision to be rewarding and I just can’t find it. It makes me hesitant to do anything. My mom always tells me that I deserve something good to happen. She even did so today, but then I’m thinking that maybe I deserve everything that has played out in front of me so far.

When I finally got home that night I laid down and my phone rang about an hour later. It was about 1:30am. I expected that it was one of my friends that needed a ride. However, it was my friend once again who was suffering through the horrible pain of divorce. It was late and I was tired, but I couldn’t blow her off. As we began talking one minute rolled into the next and before I knew it, it was approaching 4am. I knew that I had to go to Plattsburgh at 7:30 and I was becoming worried about having to stay awake for the ride there and back. When I hung the phone up I laid in bed and sobbed. I could feel my friend’s pain and I felt absolutely helpless. There was nothing I could do for her and furthermore there was nothing I could do for myself. I suddenly realized that my problems were insignificant, but they were still there.

The morning came quickly and I had to make a decision. Although I was supposed to leave at 7:30 I waited until almost 8 just to make sure that I didn’t leave without waiting and getting my feet under me first. As I headed out I was lost. My mind raced from one period of my life to the next. I had tears streaming down my face and I just let them go. I was so alone that nobody could hear me or feel what I was feeling. I felt like I just couldn’t win no matter what I did. Then I found myself going back to Friday night when I was on top of the world. My life seemed so good and then on Saturday it was as if I finally tumbled to the ground like a fallen gladiator. I would just lie there and let the lions eat me alive if I had a choice. I don’t have much fight left in me right now and I would just as soon have the players throw dirt in my face and spit on my lifeless body. I’m almost sick of trying to be a good person because it hasn’t gotten me very far as of yet.  I guess the only reason I do it is because that’s who I am and I don’t know anything any different.

Tonight I paddled my boat around Glen Lake to find some solitude. Although I was in search of peace, the negativity followed me around like a black cloud. I wish it would just swallow me up and spit me out for the rodents to feed on. I know that I shouldn’t be alone right now. I’m a chronic over-thinker and being alone isn’t good for that type of mind. However, I feel like I can’t go to anyone because I just don’t want to discuss the things on my mind. There are a few people I would discuss them with, but it seems that isn’t possible right now.

I’ve heard many people say that life is what you make of it. Right now I totally disagree. My life is not what I’ve made of it. My life has become what it is because of much of the bad luck that I have encountered along the way. I may have brought some of it upon myself, but I know that I’ve always tried my hardest to be honest and up front with everyone that I have encountered. I tell people like it is even if they don’t want to hear what I say. I think I might sometimes offer too much of myself while at other times I don’t offer anything. There’s a fine line between  the two and I have to determine what to do as spring rolls into summer.

If anyone is listening out there I just want my cluttered mind to be clear. I want to be happy and content again. I want to come home to my own house with my pets and whomever I might be sharing my life with and just settle into something normal. Although I’m scared, I think that I’m beyond ready. I don’t have a clue what will happen tomorrow, the next day, next week or next year, but I do know that I need something postitive to illuminate the dark sky that has engulfed me. I want to see one twinkling star in the distance and walk until I get there. I don’t care if it’s a mile hike or a year long journey. I need something to show me the way and carry me to where I belong. Although I might seem negative right now I pray that I will find my way and I know that eventually all of the drama in my life will have to subside. I’m ready for the down times to find a permanent hiding place……………….I’m so ready.

Leave a Reply