This weekend was a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. I can’t remember where it all started, but I believe it was on Thursday. On Thursday I was at the lowest point that I’ve been since the day I found out that I would be on my own again. They claim that once you hit the bottom of the barrel that there’s no place to go but up. I’m not so sure of that statement. Instead, I would have preferred to lay in bed and wallow in self pity. I would like to get into the reason why I was brought to such a low point, but I just don’t feel like going there. I’ll try my best to skirt around it and give a few of my passing thoughts as I go.
I don’t like hurting people and I don’t like being hurt. However, I know that honesty is essential to my well being. I’ve always tried to be up front and honest. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and although it sometimes gets the best of me I go with the flow. I cried throughout the week due to a variety of issues that were going on in my life. It was tough at times, but with everything that I’ve been through over the last three years I realized that it was something that I would have to accept. I would take a step back and realize that what is meant to be will be and what isn’t will not. I can’t control the actions of others and I don’t try to. The only thing I do is control how I react to things and what I do in order to make myself be heard and understood. I’ve always tried to treat others with respect, class and dignity because I expect the same in return. I am not perfect and I have failed a few times along the way. However, I’ve always been man enough to stand up and accept my faults, apologize for them and move on. There is no human on the face of the planet who is perfect. I’ve always tried to grow from my failures and mistakes rather than let them eat at me and take control of my actions. Some people will respect that and others won’t care. The ones that respect that quality are the ones that should be held the closest because they will be there when you need them.
A few of my friends are struggling mightily right now to get through each and every night. Both of them have told me that the daytime isn’t so bad, but when they lay down to sleep the whole world seems to crumble down around them. I can relate to this. It doesn’t matter what time period of my life I look back on because it’s easily identifiable that the night hours were and still are the worst times for me.
I think it’s because our body slows down. We’re all alone in bed with our inner thoughts and insecurities. Our mind tends to run rampant and although we should be resting our souls don’t allow us to. Over the last week I’ve laid in bed and wondered when I will ever get a break. I would like to wake up one day and realize that I’ve finally made it to wherever I’m traveling. As I spoke to one of my friends yesterday I realized one of my biggest voids right now. I really miss going to bed with someone every night. I miss the closeness and the security of it. When I was married I used to wake up every morning, wander around the corner of the bed before I went to the bathroom and gently lean over the bed. When I was there I would softly put my lips on my wife’s forehead or cheek and kiss her. Even now, I’m not sure she ever felt it. I don’t think she ever woke up or even knew that I did it. However, it was something I did as often as I could. I don’t miss the person that I did it to, but I do miss the action. I always felt safe and one of the reasons I did what I did was in case anything ever happened to either one of us that day. In some way it was for my own inner peace and it worked for me.
It’s so much different now. I go to bed every night and plug my cell phone in and leave it on my night stand. I almost always leave the ringer on because I tell all of my friends that they’re welcome to call me whenever they need me. Most of them are worried that they will be interrupting my sleep if they call so they choose not to. I always assure them that it is ok. Over the last month or so people have started calling me at all hours. It actually makes me feel good if someone calls or sends me a message in the middle of the night. For some reason it makes me feel as if I’m making a difference in someone’s life, even if it’s only a small difference.
Then, every morning the alarm goes off and I know it’s time to start all over again. I never know what will happen in any given day, but I always promise myself to make the most of what the day has to offer. I’ve prided myself on giving what I have to give to others and trying to bring out the best in them. I’ve failed a few times, but I also know I’ve succeeded from time to time and that’s why I continue doing what I do. Every morning I click the light on and see nothing on the opposite side of the bed. It’s an empty feeling, but I know it’s all part of the journey. Yet, there my cell phone is all by itself. I guess some days I look at it and expect some miracle to jump out from behind the cover. It hasn’t happened yet so I’m assuming it probably just isn’t going to happen.
Many people ask me how I can stay positive. I think much of this comes from my family background and the people I’ve had in my life. I try to take the best of what each person has to offer. I also read a lot, probably more than I should, on issues that I struggle with on a daily basis. It helps me to know that there are many other people who go through the same exact thing. I still have to fake it until I make it from time to time, but that’s all part of the comedy of life. I guess I must be a good faker at some points because very few people can see the writing on the wall. I just keep pushing forward and I remain optimistic that my good caring and loving nature will guide me to wherever I’m supposed to be. I try not to over think it, but at times it gets the best of me. I might be a little lost right now and unsure of my next step, but I do know that somebody will get the very best of what Todd Alden Mead has to offer. I’m not saying that I’m a great person or anything of the sort, but I know how to respect people and give them the things that make them realize that they are important in my life. I’ve definitely missed the boat here a few times, but I’ve also given enough to show people that I might not always be up to the task. It’s at those times that I hope they have the ability to see beyond the present moment and look at the things I’ve already done.
I feel pretty good about where I’m at right now. I realize that I need to make a choice about housing and all that other good stuff. I’ve talked with enough of my friends to understand that I should probably just take a chance and see where I end up. I think I’ll put my deadline as the middle of next summer. My choice will definitely have to be made by then.
I know that right now I need to do things that bring me happiness and inner peace. I enjoy doing things outdoors. I enjoy campfires, nice evenings under star filled skies, sunsets, sunrises, the ocean and ballgames in the city. I need to continue on my journey while doing all of these things that bring me happiness. I think I was put on this earth to share myself with others. Some might get more than the next, but I’m here to give a little of myself to everyone. I hope that everyone that passes through my life is able to enjoy me for who I am and what I give to them. The only promise I can make is that I will treat the people well who treat me well. I will fail from time to time, but underneath it all, I’m not too proud to own up to my mistakes and take corrective measures to ensure I’m better prepared in the future.
I’ll leave you with a quote from Nathaniel Hawthorne which says, “Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued is just out of grasp. But if you sit down quietly, may alight upon you.”
I’ve never chased it and I have been sitting quietly for a what seems like a long time now. I hope the little creature gently touches down on my shoulder in the near future. I hope it settles in for the ride and gives me wings to fly. The upcoming months are when butterflies are the most active so I’ll continue waiting patiently. I’ll wait as long as it takes because I know that when I’m ready to leap I’ll be on my way into a land that I never knew existed. It’s so exciting to think about, that I might watch unicorns jump through hoops in my sleep tonight. I’m done being a piece of tumbleweed blowing across the Kansas prarie in a dust storm. I’m ready to glide high in the sky and let the butterfly take me where I belong. I’m patient and I’ll keep waiting because I know that every day I awake I’m gaining more ground. One foot in front of the other….as long as I can walk I’ll find my way.
Very nice blog. I totally agree with your thoughts.