It’s Time to Live Again

I’ve been waiting for a nice day for a long time and I was glad to see one finally arrive today. It has been a long and grueling winter. At times I’ve been on top of the world, but I’ve had bouts where I crawled around the circular path of the bottom of the barrel. Whenever things seem to pick up and come to life it seems as if someone hides in the dark and pulls the carpet out from under my feet.  It’s beginning to get old, but I realize that’s all part of  living and growing.

While many people would wish and pray for a break I kind of welcome the uncertainties that I face. As of right now I have no clue where I will end up a year from now or even a month from now. My mind has been encompassed with such a variety of thoughts that I can’t possibly harness them. Instead, I acknowledge that they exist and I try not giving any more thought to them than is necessary. As with anything though, there are nights where I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling. It seems I’ve had more of those nights in the last month than I have encountered in a very long time.

The only reason I can give for these things happening is that I’ve suddenly been jolted to life and realize that I have many things to do in order to settle into a normal life again.  I’m not sure, but I think I’m ready to do what has to be done. I’ve caused more confusion for myself and those closest to me over the last few years than anyone can imagine. Sometimes I didn’t know what end was up, but I tried to stay positive and focus on the things that brought me happiness.

I have one individual who has helped me in greater ways than anyone will ever comprehend. Sometimes I can’t even begin to understand how this person has stayed behind me and helped me along the way. I know that no matter what happens in my life this person will hold a place in my heart that is irreplaceable. My life would be insignificant right now without the support, comfort and care that I was shown. When I was down and out I always knew that I would be welcomed without any questions asked. I tried my hardest not to wear out my welcome and I found myself in a place I had never been before. As one day led into the next I became lost. However, I never wanted to find the road that would help me find my way because I had everything I needed in front of me. I didn’t know how to address it and as days led into weeks and weeks ran into months I found happiness and satisfaction. Although I would like to think that the answer is right in front of me I still can’t convince myself that it truly is which nags at me on a daily basis. I’m not sure if it’s from some of the traumatic events that have occurred in my life or if it’s from something else. Sometimes when people want answers they don’t believe what you tell them. In all honesty I don’t have an answer for the one that probably deserves it the most. The person that let me crawl onto their back and hang on for dear life as my life was unraveling all around me. As I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling I try to think of something to say that would be meaningful or significant and I come up with nothing. I’m not sure why, but it bothers the hell out of me. I can almost always find the answers I’m looking for, but for some unknown reason this one still eludes me.

However, just recently I have been feeling more positive about things. I’m not exactly sure why, but I can feel it circulating in the air. When I recently thought of building a house again I came to life. I do realize how hard it will be if I ever dive into it, but I guess you never know until you try. If not anything else I’ve realized that I have to get out of the state that I’m in. I’ve been sitting around waiting for something to happen. I’ve been waiting for some miracle to come down from above and take me away. I’ve realized now that I have to let people inside and let everything fall into place as it should. It’s a little scary to think about, but I also welcome the challenge and the opportunities that it might present.

Now that I’ve finally figured out what I need I will have to divise a plan and a time frame to get there. I guess that will be a project for me in the coming months. For many years my life seemed fairly easy without many worries.  I can see worries coming my way, but I can also see that I need to settle into a normal, laid back and committed life again. I will not search for it because I think it exists within my line of sight. I’ll do my best to visualize my future. If I begin to see clear pictures I will chase the image and see where I land. I’m nothing short of stunned right now at where I am in my life, but I accept it for what it is. There are definitely better days ahead and I think I’m going to find them in the coming months. I can only hope because I have put many people, including myself through trying times the last few years. I would just like to offer my thanks to everyone who has helped me. I hope that if I’m ever able to attain my new goals in the next few years that you will all share the good times with me.  Thanks again to all of my friends and family for understanding that sometimes I’m quiet and reserved just because I don’t know what to say or where I’m going. Don’t worry though, because I think I’m on the edge of finding my way into a good life again with peace, happiness, hope and love. I will keep the faith, as that’s all I have to rely on right now. As the old saying goes, “Sometimes the greatest gifts come from taking a big chance.”  I’ve never been a risk taker, but I believe that is changing.

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