Today is my birthday. Most people say 40 is a milestone, but the day wasn’t anything extraordinary. Many of my friends wished me well and many did not. It’s funny how some people that you expect to contact you don’t and others that you never thought would, do. It just goes to show you that life is always unpredictable no matter what the circumstances are.
The majority of people were surprised that I wasn’t having a big bash. I’ve been to quite a few 40th birthday parties over the years. I’m just not the party type and I prefer as much quiet time as possible to sit back and privately reflect on the years that have passed. The rain is pitter pattering off the leaves right now as the light is quickly fading into darkness. I really have no idea what the coming year holds for me. I’ll keep pushing forward in hopes of opening a door with many wonderful scenes on the other side.
I know where I want to be a year from now, but it will take a lot of hard work and dedication to get there. The road isn’t paved that I must follow. I will have to walk on a fairly new path in the woods. It’s a path that hasn’t had many feet beating on it up to this point. It’s a virgin to the forest floor. There aren’t any mud holes to walk around yet. There aren’t any fallen trees or upturned rocks which will play havoc with fellow travelers. The path is unobstructed right now and I plan to keep it that way as I travel from one end to the other. My feet will be light and my back will be strong to carry the weight of the things that I will need to help me.
I’m pretty sure that I was meant to walk alone on this path, at least until I find the uninhabited area at the end. I can vaguely see the end, but I give it no more attention than is necessary right now. Sometimes the gold dust can get in our eyes and obstruct our vision. I have to make sure that I don’t let this happen.
My parents leave for San Francisco tomorrow. My father will be competing in the archery event in the senior olympics. I hope he does well. I kind of wish I was going, but it’s a vacation for them. When I take a step back and look at their relationship it is nothing short of incredible to me. I know of very few people that have been with the same person for an extended period of time. Relationships seem so disposable now. People blame their unhappiness on their partner and move from one thing to the next, rather than confront the problems up front and finding a way to better themselves. We’re all guilty of it, but some make a habit of living this way. My parents will be the first to tell anyone that relationships aren’t easy. There’s a lot of give and take. We must understand why our partners do what they do and somehow find a way to accept it. Of course, many things can’t be overlooked, but the nuts and bolts of the relationship must always be checked, changed and polished.
I’ve heard many people say that they fell out of love with their partner. For some reason I can’t fathom that and I’m not really sure why. What we do is our own choice. Sometimes we make the wrong choices which lead us to where we end up. However, we can choose to make anything better or worse. Too many people become stubborn and refuse to accept responsibility. The finger pointing begins and it boils over into communication problems, disappointment and anger.
I’ve always watched my parents communicate. They take time every day to go over the day’s events. They both discuss their days and interaction is very natural. This generation is much different than their generation. Nothing seems forever anymore. I’m sure it exists out there, but the majority of people don’t fit into the profile.
I could probably babble all night tonight. I’m not sure if I would feel any better or worse when I’m done. The darkness has just about consumed the daylight. I can see shadows of things out the window right now. It seems as if I’ve been chasing my shadow for a long time. I can see it, but I’m almost afraid to grab hold of it and put it back where it belongs. My shadow is my inner being which I have neglected and let run wild. Sometimes I’ve watched from afar and witnessed how out of character I seem. I don’t have any answers for anyone, not even myself. I’ve acted distant to the people closest to me which I regret on a daily basis. Somewhere along the way I lost a small part of myself (my shadow), but I”m going to do everything I can this year to reel it back in and place it where it belongs. Many days I look in the mirror and roll my eyes. I can’t believe where I am or how I got here, but then again I know the answer.
We got good news from Boston yesterday, well as could as you could want. The doctor said my cousin’s operation went well. He’s pretty sure the tumor isn’t cancerous. They will have more information soon. In some small way I would like to think that my prayers for him every night have helped. It’s funny how most people don’t believe in a god until they have to ask him for something. I’m not overly religious, but I do pray for all of my friends and family every night when I go to bed. One of my friends is going through a nerve wracking time right now. I can’t imagine walking in the same line. Every night I pray that the doctors figure out what’s going on with her health. Her mom is suffering right now too. I pray that they are able to treat whatever they find after the tests come back. Life is so unpredictable that it’s scary.
More than anything I’m thankful that I’ve had 40 birthdays to celebrate so far. My parents have given me the ability to live a complete life. As I tell everyone, if I died tomorrow I could honestly say that I’ve lived a complete life. I’ve done almost anything I’ve every wanted to do. I’ve experienced the highs and lows in life. They picked me up when I was down and kept me grounded when I was high. I’ve had the ability to experience many things that all children and adults could benefit from and I’m still open for more. I am who I am because of all of those who have helped me along the way. Even if it was a small gesture I remember people for what they do. I might seem distant to many, but I’m very thankful to what you people have given to me.
Now it is completely dark outside. The daylight has faded on another year of my life. I’m now committed to marching down this new path in the forest that I spoke of earlier. As a whaler sails the sea in search of tails, I’m now committed to finding some type of normalcy once again. There are sure to be rough seas ahead, but I’ll get to the whaling ground before long.