As I tossed and turned in bed last night my mind wouldn’t rest. Instead of sleeping my mind brought me back to a moment in time that I couldn’t step away from no matter how hard I tried.
Sometimes our inability to open up can cause great pain to others as well as ourselves. Being stubborn isn’t a good quality to have and many of us wish we could leave it behind. Although the thought of it seems easy the actual undertaking of it is an entirely different beast.
Even if we feel a certain way we remain stubborn and don’t say anything. Every person has a different reason for doing certain things and being silent to the people who mean the most to you can sometimes lead them to believe that you don’t feel what they want you to feel.
In a moment of silence you can come across as uncaring or rude. Meanwhile, inside you’re dying. You usually know exactly what you want to say and you can feel it, but for some unknown reason your tongue is stuck to the roof of your mouth and the silence sends a message that seems so distant and cold.
Although you want to reach out and snatch the moment out of thin air, you let it go. You know that no matter what you say nothing will ever be good enough. You want to defend yourself, but it’s not possible because of your actions. The only person that will ever truly understand why you act as you do is you.
Sometimes we want to scream at the top of our lungs so the entire world can hear us, but nothing comes forward. The lips remain locked and you appear like an old Indian warrior with no emotion. The Indian’s job is to hunt and bring food back to the tribe. He loves his family,but he remains stone cold throughout his life. It’s hard to imagine, but he has lived this way since he put on his warrior paint when he was a young man. As with anything a few bad moments earlier in his life have created this stone cold feature.
When the tribe was attacked he became angry and vowed vengeance. As one experience led to the next he became further and further from the members closest to him. He might have been scared to let them in because he was afraid of losing them like so many others had been lost along the way. He might have wanted to keep them at a distance so he could center his mind on all of the tasks that he had to complete. He may have been stern and quiet because he didn’t want to show any weakness that might allow him to fall on his face.
So………….he remained quiet. His feelings were always just below the surface but he kept them to himself for an unknown reason. For any of us who have read Indian stories we know that it probably would have been easier for these warriors to let people into their world for comfort and security. Instead, they pushed everyone away and insisted on doing things their own way.
These habits were displayed over and over and eventually led to the destruction of a nation. It’s sad, but it still happens today.
I’m guilty of the same thing. I’ve been at a crossroads for a long time. Opening my mouth and letting the words flow would probably have been much easier, but I lurked in the background hoping that I would never have to face the reality of everything around me.
In many ways I had become too comfortable and I’ve finally paid the price. Some might see me as uncaring, but it goes so much deeper than it appears. I would like to explain myself away, but it’s not understandable to anyone but me.
What’s ok and what isn’t? My actions haven’t been ok and I can own up to that. Sometimes we need an eye opening experience to get us back on track. We have to step off the road of comfort and figure it all out while we travel across rough and rugged mountain roads that switchback through the steep hills and deep valleys. We might have to drive along roads with two wheels on the edge of a 500 ft. drop, but we have to keep moving forward.
I’ve always been afraid of heights so some of these roads are terrifying. I have to remember to stay focused and not look over the edge. Eventually we conquer our fears if we face them enough. We learn that we can overcome anything in front of us if we put our minds to it. The ones that get stuck in time are the ones that will always live in fear.
I’ve been stuck for a while, but thanks to one of my very best friends I’ve been slapped in the face with the realisation that it’s time to ride along the dirt roads on the edge of the canyon. If I freefall to the bottom at least I will have attempted to get to the end. If I sit there teetering on the edge of disaster my chances of falling are about the same.
I wish I could go back in time and react differently. Unfortunately I can’t. All I can hope for is a tiny bit of understanding. The understanding that it has been a long road. The understanding that I’ve been in hiding for a little too long now. The understanding that I’m now setting my mind in a different place in order to stay away from any situation where I stare into the darkness and say nothing. The understanding that losing out because of the failure to acknowledge great things is not acceptable.
I’m not sure how long this road is, but I’m hoping I’m at least 3/4 of the way to the end. I’ve been blessed to have a lot of guidance from a very special person. The person has been more than patient, more than giving, more than helpful and I’ve been nothing but a bump on a log. My goal is to somehow give back no matter how long it takes. I just want to say Thank You for the ear, the support, the laughs and the undying patience.
I’m on a mission. The road is taking me to the high country where the elk roam in the mountain meadows. Since I’ve been there before I’m sure everything will come full circle. I’ll be back in the near future to talk about my adventures.