Archive for February, 2009

………caught between raindrops

Friday, February 27th, 2009

It has been raining most of the day. At this point I’m thankful it’s not snow. I think it’s safe to say that the rain signifies my mood for the last couple of days. I’ve had somewhat of an adventure that I would like to overlook or possibly ignore. However, that isn’t possible.

Throughout my life I’ve tried to help people with anything that might be bothering them or holding them back from something that might bring more happiness to them. Although it is always a challenge I’ve never felt like I ran into something that I couldn’t handle. Well, I might have one time, but that’s a topic that would require some deep thought. Over the last month I’ve encountered a situation that I can’t even begin to comprehend. The harder I try to make sense of it the more lost I become.

I’m not sure there’s anyone that I’ve ever seriously helped, but sometimes I like to think that I’ve made a difference in a life or two. More than anything I’ve always tried to be a good listener. Anyone who’s close to me knows that I don’t do very much talking. I keep most of my thoughts to myself. I try to deal with the things that bother me through writing. I tend to be extremely analytical which drives me crazy, such as now. Lately I can sense that someone is crying out for help, but they won’t give me the essential ingredients to allow me to lend my hand and heart to help them along the way. It’s like being caught between raindrops. Although I try to avoid them, they still pelt me on the head as I seek cover. It seems as if I’ve been standing in a steady rain for some time now. I’ve finally realized that there’s no sense in hiding from it. Rather, I look forward to the sunny days that will surely follow.

Sometimes it’s easy to become depressed, especially this time of year. I’ve suffered through my bouts with it this winter. There have been evenings that I’ve laid in bed and thought of everything imaginable to help this person. With every passing day I’m accepting that it’s something that I just don’t have the power to do. When we want to help the people closest to us and we can’t, it can sometimes make us feel like we have failed. Normally I would feel that way, but this time I don’t.  I stayed true to myself. I offered what I could offer and I gently tried drawing out the mystery that lurked behind the surface. It makes me a little sad that there isn’t something I could say or do that would allow this person let the wall down, embrace the help and realize that everyone has internal battles that they’re afraid to confront. However, if we let them lie beneath they will eat away at us and sometimes keep us from experiencing things that would bring great joy, happiness and satisfaction into our lives.

Our past is what defines us. Many of us experience horrible relationships with parents, siblings or lovers. We hold those people responsible for our current condition. We let them control what we do today. Instead of freeing ourselves from the insecurity that these relationships created, we let it sit inside and churn until it destroys the beauty of what we have to offer. Instead of allowing ourselves to love again and live without fear we continuously go back to the drama that was asscociated with our former lives. Everyone is guilty of it, but it slowly takes its toll on some of the best people in this world. Far too many people don’t realize that there comes a day where we are ultimately responsible for all of our actions. Yes, many of us tend to blame others because it’s easier that way. We’re afraid because someone might have cheated on us, abused us or manipulated us. Therefore, instead of letting someone else in, we convince ourselves that over a period of time the new person will follow the same path as the one who mentally destroyed us. I’ve seen this up close and personal two times in the last few years. I’ve seen two different people who had the best of everything to offer anyone, but since their innocence had been robbed, they crawled into a shell and refused to open themselves up to potential hurt. It’s hard to believe many people don’t realize that no two people are alike. Yes, people might have similarities, but they’re definitely not wired the same. That’s what makes all of us unique.

I feel pretty decent about where I’m at right now. I would like things to be a little different, but I can clearly see some light on the road ahead. I’ve had many gray days where I’ve stared in the mirror and questioned my sanity, but that makes me realize that I’m still open to new and different ideas. Although I don’t always follow my own advice I encourage my friend to take a chance. Let the walls fall down and embrace what waits for you. You are a wonderful person and you deserve the very best of what life has to offer. I’m not sure I can help you get to where you’re going, but I’m more than willing to try.

I’ll leave all of you with one last quote for the day. I’m not sure where it ever came from, but I like the way it sounds. “Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to.”

I hope my friend leaves the hurt of the past where it belongs, the worries of the future set aside and just lives in the present and takes everything in stride as one foot goes in front of the other. Best of luck and remember that you create your own happiness.  If you think it’s worth having then take a chance……………………….you might be overhwhelmed by the extraordinary things that will come into your life on a regular basis. All of those hidden fears will soon be buried in the past and you’ll wish you jumped forward much sooner.

As for me, I’m a little unsettled because I’ve finally reached a point where I don’t have a clue about what to do next. As I let my mind roll it sometimes picks up so much speed I can’t see it. I’m ready to have a quiet mind again. However, the quiet mind I seek is very hard to find when I’m caught between raindrops every single day.

Thanks Mom & Dad

Monday, February 23rd, 2009

Today I read a few of the comments from some of my friends. I guess when you’re around me and my dad for any length of time it’s easy to see that we share a pretty close bond. He has saved my life on numerous occasions when I suffered through some severe insulin reactions.  He has always been there for me without question. He has helped me with problems in and around my houses and he has never asked for anything in return.  There’s nothing I could ever say other than Thank You and even that would never be enough.

When I was in High School it was a common trait to leave a quote next to your senior picture in the yearbook. My quote was rather simple. Keep in mind that I was only 18. Mine read: College/To some day be as good a father as my father has been to me.

Well, I accomplished one of those things. I was the first one in my family to graduate from a 4 year college. Since I’ve never found test taking easy it was quite the challenge for the first few years. Once I was able to get into classes that had essays, rather than exams,  my grades steadily climbed. As with anything in life, it’s all about finding what works the best for us. I never accomplished the second goal that I listed. Sometimes I think that it just wasn’t meant to happen. There might be a deeper meaning that even I will never know. I do know that even if I did have a child I never could have lived up to the standard that my father set for me. It would have been impossible. Here I am, just shy of 40 and I still feel like the child on the little league field that he put his arm around and told me that life wouldn’t always be fair. I remember it like it was yesterday. There was a drizzling rain as we watched the older boys play on the Major field. I was only 6. I still haven’t given up all hope because I do know that sometimes miracles come out of nowhere, but for now I just don’t think about it anymore. I’ve seen stranger things happen so I’ll sit back and watch it from afar.

Well my main reason for writing this tonight is to tell all of the people how important my mother has been to me from the beginning. My mom is often overlooked, but she is solely responsible for who I am inside. I believe that I have the ability to write about the things that I do because of her. She and I are very similar in that way. She has always been there for me with all of the successes and failures that I’ve encountered on my journey up to this point. Although my dad is my best friend, my mom is the one who I confide in when I need to discuss my deep dark secrets. She understands everything that I say and she is the most non-judgmental person that I’ve ever been around. A while back I was having a tough time getting motivated. I couldn’t find any direction no matter where I turned. There were days on end where I sat on the couch and recited the same thing over and over. I can’t believe that she never told me to stop. She continued supporting me and never once told me to stop. She would offer her opinion from time to time just to keep involved in the conversation. Although she knew my insides were a train wreck she never once added to my confusion or misery. Instead, she nudged me forward and helped me find myself through old memories and new adventures. It’s easy for me to share everything with her. It’s extremely easy to see that she wants what is best for me. She has given me advice even when I might not agree with what she has to say. I’m thankful for that because sometimes I need a little guidance. She’s also a very good judge of people. I’ve had many trying times along the way and she always helps me try to understand what other people might be thinking. It gives me insight that I couldn’t get elsewhere. I trust what she tells me and more times than not she is fairly accurate with her assessment of things.

I guess sometimes it doesn’t seem like my mom gets enough credit because of the tight friendship my dad and I share. That’s the reason I believe that you should always tell the people closest to you what they mean to you and what they give to you. I’ve probably failed in that area in the past, but as I move forward I’ll make sure that I do my best to always be open and honest. Communication is a key element to all successful relationships and my mom and dad have always had the ability to talk things out when it was necessary.

I hope that my parents are proud of what they’ve done. They raised all three of us kids to the best of their ability. When we were young we didn’t have a pot to piss in, but my dad worked his tail off so that we could have everything that he didn’t when he was growing up. He encouraged us to play sports since he never had the chance because he had to work on his dad’s dairy farm. They brought us on vacation every summer so we would see how important it was to do things together and work as a team. They brought us all over the country so we could experience things that we would never forget. Most of all they taught us how to be respectful of one another and all of those around us.

I found a quote once that says something like this, “Childhood is supposed to be the time of our lives, unfortunately many people spend the rest of their lives trying to fix the problems that it created.”  Some days I can’t believe how lucky I have been. Although a few things didn’t pan out like I had wished for, I now know that everything happens for a reason. I never believed that destiny existed, but I’m believing it more and more each day. I’ve had some things happen to me in the last year that are unexplainable. I no longer question these things. For now I’m just going to see where fate takes me…………………………………….because I’m almost positive that it’s leading me to someplace that I never ever could have imagined existed. I can feel it more and more with every passing day.

……..Off and running

Sunday, February 22nd, 2009

Well, we’re finally up and running. Hopefully things will pick up speed as we move forward. I’ll try to add a journal entry as I have time from week to week. Some of my entries will pertain to my random thoughts, while others will focus on hunting and the status of my book. I’m not sure I’ll ever get to the end, but I’ll try my best.

I shot in the annual Guan Ho Ha archery vegas tournament today. I’ve been participating in it since the mid 90’s. Today was definitely not one of my better performances, but it felt good to see many of my friends that I only get to see once or twice a year.

The ride to and from the shoot was easy on my mind. I found my thoughts drifting through many periods of my life. I’ve always wondered about a few of my decisions along the way and today was no different. I’ve always questioned my ability to conquer my fears, put one foot in front of the other and dive into the unknown with reckless abandon.

Fear can paralyze even the best of people. Sometimes it grabs hold and won’t let go. It can make even the strongest person buckle under pressure. For many years I let fear dictate my life. I was afraid to move forward and do something that I knew had to be done. I tread lightly in the backdrop and hoped that someone else would do what I was so afraid to do myself. Eventually my prayers were answered. Although I thought I was ready, I quickly learned that I wasn’t remotely prepared for what happened.

However, as time moved forward and I reinvented myself, my fear was quickly left behind.  I had new fears, but nowhere near as stressful as the old ones. The new things that I encountered were a godsend and I welcomed them with open arms. I began figuring out exactly what I needed to feel complete. I analyzed my mistakes from the past and took notice of the areas where I needed to improve myself the most. Although I thought it would be much more difficult, it has been very enjoyable and fairly easy up to this point.

I can feel inside that my life is about to change once again. As I look at the opportunities in front of me I just hope and pray that I will always address any situation that needs attention long before it gets out of control. I’ve realized that even the simplest conversations or requests can often lead to the greatest feeling of security for all people involved.  I’ve made a personal commitment to always be open and honest with my inner thoughts, dreams and disappointments. I’ve also seen how much a small token of appreciation can mean to another person. Therefore, I will always try to do the little things that matter the most. In the past I have given up because I didn’t think the little things had any meaning. Unfortunately I learned the hard way that those things went much further than I ever could have imagined.

I’ve learned along the way that I can’t be disappointed or hurt if someone doesn’t react the way I want them to react. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care. It simply means that everyone handles things in different ways. I gave a card to someone today and it made me feel good. As cards so often do, this one perfectly illustrated many of the feelings that have been rolling around inside my head. I also took the time to write a small note on the inner flap of the card. I did it because I made a promise to myself to never short anyone of my inner feelings. I don’t care if they’re a friend or a family member. With some people it’s much easier than others. That’s where we have to find ourselves and what makes us tick. I’ve been working on that for quite some time and I think I’m getting closer and closer to the answer I’ve so desperately been searching for. In the end the only way I’ll know is to let one day move into the next and let it take care of itself.

I will no longer be paralyzed by fear. I’ll accept it for what it is. I’ll even welcome it if that’s what it takes. I will also try to help those closest to me to open up, let me in and allow me to help if it’s possible. Nobody should ever have to feel alone. I encourage everyone to do something thoughtful for the people you hold closest to your hearts. I know that it’s an overwhelming feeling when someone close to you lets you know how they feel. There’s nobody on the face of the earth who doesn’t like to hear good things about themselves and get a surprise gift every now and then. Try your hardest to please others and you’ll surely see yourself on the receiving end at one point in time, if you haven’t already. I hope you enjoy reading some of the random thoughts that pass through my head. I’ll try sharing some of them on a regular basis. Thanks for stopping by and feel free to leave me any comments you might have.

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Monday, February 16th, 2009

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