Archive for May 7th, 2009

Fork in the Road

Thursday, May 7th, 2009

Well another week is almost behind us. Nothing of any importance happened this week, but I did find myself passing from thought to thought with regularity. Every day before I write my post on here I have to sort through comments to approve or disapprove. Some things cease to amaze me. One of the comments today came from a source called, “Cheap Viagara”………mmm maybe someone is trying to tell me something, but I sure hope not, because I still feel like I’m a teenager.

A few people have shown their concern for me over the last few weeks. I’m not sure where all of the concern comes from, but somewhere in the back of my mind it is comforting to know that so many people care about my well being. I’m not sure if it’s because many of them watched the hell that I had to endure for what seemed like months on end or if it’s from something totally different. I’ve always tried to make the best of the hand I was dealt and right  now is no different. I don’t get overly wrapped up in emotions, but I also don’t hide behind any fake walls. I like the fact that people can see my ups and downs. I think it makes it easier for many people to relate. Although people pretend everything is ok and wear their happy faces from one day to the next, I don’t. If I’m feeling up you will probably see it in my actions and if I’m dredging the bottom you will see that too. That’s all a part of who I am.

It has been a long time since I can remember having so many decisions in front of me that need attention in a timely manner. I don’t look too far ahead, but I try to glance far enough down the road to open myself up to ideas of where I want to be and what I have to do to get there. That’s where some of the decisions become mind boggling at times. If I took a step back and looked at the big picture I think I could clearly see what I should do, but for some reason I walk to the end of the diving board every so often and stand paralyzed with fear. I know I should jump into the placid water below, but I can’t get the spring in my feet to begin the bounce that I will need to launch myself freely into the air. I know that the water waiting below will welcome me. It will cleanse my soul and allow me to see new things and go on new adventures. I’m on the edge of attacking the board, walking briskly to the end, taking a quick hop and throwing myself forward.

I don’t like being told what I can or can’t do. For some reason that has always gotten under my skin. When I was getting ready to head off to college all of my college entrance exams said that I should focus on mathematics because I had advanced skills in that area. The exams clearly showed that I should stay away from English. I few counselors along the way also said the same thing. However, I didn’t like math. I found something in the written word that allowed me to be myself and relay my feelings without sound. I found a way that I could bring my feelings into the souls of others. People could relate to what I wrote and it made them feel good. I still try to do the same today. I’ve gotten away from the things I’m good at because this journal type format is easier to do. I prefer to write children stories and fiction that relates to the activities of the  every day person.

Well, when I was told I wouldn’t be successful, I decided I would give it everything I had and see where I ended up. I’m not sure I did anything other than attain a 4 year degree in Literature, but even that was more than the doubters said I would accomplish. Then, I started writing my book and that came together quickly. The writing was easy, but the pagination is beginning to get under my skin. I just need to finish it. I need someone to push me to get it done. I also had great success in the short amount of time that I spent in the poetry arena. I won some prestigious awards and got published in some top notch books. I’ll have that as long as I live and nobody can ever take that from me.

I’ve recently encountered a few situations that made me recall all of the people that doubted my choice in my adolescent years. Some people can’t understand where I’m at and the choices that I’m making. I patiently listen to them and I process what they say. I take some of the advice and pass over the rest of it. However, when I sit back and look at it, I really don’t care what anyone thinks because I’m living this life for myself. I’ll make some bad choices along the way and I’ll learn from those failures. I’ll also learn from the correct choices which bring me happiness and fulfillment.  I feel as if I’m being pulled in multiple directions right now. I’m not sure which way to go, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out in the coming months. It’s funny how everyone knows what is best for me and what I should and should not do. It actually cracks me up. I have a general idea right now what I should do and I’m going to concentrate on a few little things to help me with my decisions. I love to prove people wrong too. It has always been one of my finest traits. If you tell me I can’t do it I will find a way to make you eat crow. I might not end up where I intended when I started but I will be where I intend on being when I get there.

Sometimes when I get down I forget that I am very blessed. I have friends from far and near that always reach out to me. My family has held me close when I needed them the most too. Although I’m fragile at times, I am also a different man behind the mask that what most people see. I don’t let many people beyond the surface, but for the few that I do, I know that you all know that it is a good place to be. My hard exterior that so many people see is not who I really am. However, I leave that in place because I can. Little by little I feel the walls breaking apart. It’s not an overnight process, but the journey will be worth the reward. I try to let my simple gestures speak for themselves. That’s why I write. I probably don’t let enough people experience the pieces that I pour my soul into, but they are the ones that define me. If I’ve given anyone a small taste of that they should feel very fortunate. I think my inner soul is one of the most precious things I have and I remain very hesitant to let most people inside, even for a brief look. I do know that it’s opening more with every passing day.

I think Mother Teresa says it best when she says, “There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.” I firmly believe that quote. There’s not a person in the world that doesn’t want to be loved and appreciated. However, far too many of us don’t acknowledge it when it comes and sits in our lap. Then, before we know it, it’s gone and we have no one to blame but ourselves. We all want the same thing no matter where we are in life or what we have experienced in the past. It’s a battle to realize that we need to open up and let it overwhelm us when it shows up. Day by day, one foot in front of the other, breathe in and breathe out. I do all of these things day after day as I continue on my journey. My journey is never ending and I’ll try to use all of my experiences to guide me down the right path.

I believe I may have finally come to a fork in the road. Which one shall I take? If possible I’m going to sit back, try not to over analyze and over think things and I’ll let the actions of others speak loudly for me to hear. I’m sure if I do that, as I stand alone at the fork in the road in the forest, where time stands still, one foot will gently go behind the other as they lead me to where I belong. I’ll hear the wind howling through the trees and I’ll listen to everything around me. I will search out the tree frog that chirps the loudest throughout the night. If you show me the light my little friend I will find you and I’ll take you into the palm of my hand and show you the world. You must remember to chirp often and chirp loud or I will keep on walking because I can’t find you if you don’t want to be found.