Archive for April 28th, 2009

Learning From My Mistakes

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009

I’ll start this off by telling all of my friends and family that, yes, I am ok. The reason I wrote what I did last night is to show people that there are hills and valleys in everyone’s lives. I was literally on top of the world on Friday. Then, by the time Saturday came to a close and Sunday and Monday rolled through I was at the bottom of the barrel. I try to write when I can to show that everyone suffers from what can sometimes be extreme highs and lows.

I’ll be the first person to tell you that I’ve made many mistakes on my journey through life. I’ve done some very stupid stuff and I’ve paid the price for it on more than one occasion. However, I’ve always tried to recognize my shortcomings and correct my actions in case I ever find myself in a similar situation. Saturday and Sunday were no different for me.

I don’t make excuses for doing anything, but sometimes a long, hard day can bring me into an ugly place. My day had been anything but good on Saturday. Then, before I went out I had to pick my truck up. When I got there the whole episode turned into a mess. I’ll just leave it at that, but my patience was being tested. I had made plans a few weeks earlier to join some friends for their birthdays. As the time neared I knew I wasn’t going to be ready because I couldn’t get motivated. I felt like a bump on a log. I sat on the couch and watched the end of the Yankees/Sox game. Eventually I climbed into the shower.

When I was getting ready to head out the door my plans changed again. For some reason I became a little agitated, but I acted as if everything was fine. I harbored the feelings I had inside because I don’t like any type of confrontation. However I knew it was eating away at me. Then, I let the unheard of happen. I let it affect my entire evening and I did some things that I would really like to take back. The sad part is that now I can’t do anything about it except learn from my actions and make sure to be open and forward if I ever encounter a situation like that again.

As with many things, I learned that two wrongs do not make a right. I acted childish and let it get the best of me. I ignored the feelings of everyone around me because I was in a miserable place within my own head. I took out my frustrations on all the wrong people and acted like an insensitive, uncaring jerk. In many ways I had no idea how to act. I was clueless to my own environment.

I’ve always been a person who needs communication, yet I failed miserably to communicate to those closest to me. I realized that it’s something that I can’t do again. There are a few people who are pissed off at me right now and they have every right in the world to feel that way. All I can do is bow my head, tuck it between my legs and trudge away.  I definitely learned my lesson. In some ways I feel like a lesser person, but I know what I have to do to avoid any situation like that from happening in the future.

Someone close to me came to see me today. We sat and chatted for about 10 minutes. When she sat down I gave her my normal smile that I give to everyone. The first words out of her mouth were, “You might fool everyone else with that shit eatin grin, but you’re not fooling me.” I continued trying to hide behind it until it wasn’t necessary. I spilled my guts and explained my smile away as me, “faking it until I make it.” That’s all I could do. While it hasn’t been the best couple of days the experience will certainly serve me well in the future.

As for the way I acted to those closest to me, I apologize. I know that I seemed like a horrible person who had no feeling or consideration in the world. I let the best of a bad situation take control of me and I have no excuses. I’ve always been a very forgiving person and I hope I’ve surrounded myself with the same type of people.  I’m far from perfect and I have a really good heart, but sometimes I get lost in areas that I have no idea how to escape from. I obviously made a few wrong choices over the weekend, but I will definitely learn from it.

As I was writing this I received the Forward to my book from my editor. I’m really pleased with the way it looks. I will share it with a few of my close friends and family to see what they think. I’ve been in the dumps the last few days but something that he wrote in my Forward put it all in perspective for me. I almost can’t believe the timing. I’ll share it with you just so you can see first hand what I’m talking about. As I told you, I always try to learn from my mistakes and half the battle is owning up to the mistake. I’m glad to see that the people that I’m close with can also see this quality in me. This is a quote from my editor:

 In the coming months, we convinced Todd to try writing a column in Outdoors Magazine. In a very short time it became evident Todd’s skills extended far beyond archery and whitetails. The eye for detail he possesses and the underlying desire to make himself better, study a situation, and learn from his mistakes quickly became evident.

  That quote could not have come at a better time for me. It’s something I needed from a neutral voice. It’s something that gave me confidence that I will not make the same mistakes twice. My parents always taught me to own up to my mistakes, take the blame when it is due and make sure not to do the same thing again. Since I have the utmost respect for my parents I will not let them down because that is one of the most important lessons that they have taught me.

  So for anyone out there who was worried about me, you can rest easy. I’m just on a hiking trail with peaks and valleys just like everyone else. I’m on my way to the top for good, but sometimes I have to accept that I will fall and get injured. However, I’ve learned that I have to get back on my feet, take care of myself and make sure that I don’t make the same mistakes twice and hurt the people who give me so much of themselves. Onward and upward. I’m headed to the top to see the world from a different perspective. I might be bruised, beaten and exhausted when I arrive, but I’ll only be a heartbeat from heaven once I figure it all out.