I went to bed late last night. My mind was full of thoughts that wouldn’t stop dancing through my head. No matter what I did I couldn’t push them aside. Eventually I fell asleep and slept like a log. When I rolled out of bed I felt rested for the first time in a long time.
I worked for a few hours in the morning and spent the rest of the day on the road. I drove and drove some more. As I circled Lake George my mind was preoccupied. The mountains were absolutely beautiful and the lake which was dotted with people fishing was even more spectacular. The sun shone brightly and the sky was completely blue. As the day headed towards evening I knew that the time to rest my head on the pillow was only a short time away.
A few days ago I spoke to one of my friends about the night hours. She’s going through a rough patch and no matter what the day brings the night is an animal all its own. When the night arrives our minds slow down. We aren’t active with a lot of things going on around us. When our head hits the pillow we are there all by ourselves. Even if someone is sharing the bed next to us we are alone with our thoughts.
When times are tough the mind runs at a frantic pace. No matter what we do we can’t escape. It’s a time when we become overwhelmed. If we’re alone we sometimes feel tears roll down our face and find a home on the pillow underneath us. If we’re sharing the bed with someone we usually roll over, get in the fetal position and think all sorts of thoughts and all we truly want is to be alone.
At night there is no comfort. We are all alone. The people that comfort us throughout the daylight hours are nowhere to be found. We have to fight the battle on our own so we lay there and think some more. Before we know it one hour leads into the next and we know that the chance of getting any amount of substantial sleep is all but a wish. The body is tired, but the mind won’t rest. It wants to find peace and tranquility but one thought opens up so many others that must be addressed. Finally we become lost in our own thoughts, our eyes become heavy and we fall asleep. Within a couple hours we wake up and the cycle starts over.
Why do nights have to be like this when we’re struggling? We allow it to happen. Instead of finding quiet time for ourselves throughout the day we keep busy so we can avoid those thoughts that we don’t want to face. By the time nightfall comes around the thoughts are building into a mountain inside of our skulls. Then, there’s no escaping them. We begin to fear the night hours. We don’t want bedtime to come so we stay busy as long as we can.
Many years ago I took meditation classes. I gained a lot from them. I learned that the ability to center the mind controls a lot of other things within the body. When meditating we let thoughts come and go. If a thought jumps into our heads we should acknowledge it, but not address it. Once we engage it we’re all done. At that point we begin to analyze and think. We should let the thoughts come and go to practice the art of letting things come and go freely in our mind. Some people can get to the point where nothing enters the mind at all. Their minds are in complete peace. At that point they have a quiet mind. Great things can be accomplished when a person is able to quiet their mind on a daily basis. When you find internal peace, happiness usually isn’t far behind.
I talked with a friend today about hurting others. Many times we make decisions in our lives that hurt us and others. Sometimes we’re put in a position where we know that no matter what we do we’re going to hurt multiple people. It paralyzes many people and leaves them walking along a tightrope. They don’t dare do anything because the fear has overtaken them. They become so afraid of hurting someone that they forget about themselves. They forget that they are ultimately responsible for their own happiness. As time starts passing more quickly they become so lost while thinking about others that they forget about themselves.
There are no decisicions that are easy, especially life altering ones. When we make life altering decisions we’re usually afraid beyond belief. We don’t know what the future holds and all we can think about is failing. Instead of realizing that each decision creates a new opportunity in life we sometimes think that our decision might end up putting us in a worse place. That’s when we begin to over-think things and over-analyze things.
When we get into that pattern it’s very hard to move forward. We get in a rut where fear controls our lives. We don’t have the ability to do things that we should because we don’t trust ourselves. Instead, we keep plodding along and try to figure something out. We want something to drop out of the air and take control, but it never does.
Sometimes we question if we’re doing the right or wrong thing. Nobody really knows that except the person making the decisions and even then it’s a gray area. I would like to better my life in all areas. I leave my options open and I address every situation differently. If I come across something that I think can make my life better I give it my undivided attention. If I found a million bucks on the sidewalk I wouldn’t walk past it. I would try to find the rightful owner, but I wouldn’t ignore it. The same holds true for things that we encounter in our lives. When something presents itself in front of us we should acknowledge it and weigh the options. If I come across something that might make my life better I will give it a whirl. Although I never minded shoveling snow it would have made by life better if I got a snow-blower. That is the type of thing I’m talking about and it exists in all parts of our lives, from moving on in relationships to changing jobs. We have to do what is best for us and our future. That’s why it’s so important to look at the big picture instead of through a small window.
If someone can help you on your journey take their hand and let them lead you. We can’t always do things for ourselves. We have to know when to leap and when to stay put. There’s a very fine line there, but it’s one of those things you can just feel. I’ve ridden on my parents’ backs many times in my life. If someone offers their back, whether it’s your parents, siblings or friends, don’t live in fear. Jump on their back and let them carry you as long as it’s someone that you would do the same for in return.
The last few weeks have been tough for me. I’ve kept a low profile and I’ve been extremely quiet. I’m trying to address all of the thoughts that are racing through my head. I’m trying to determine whose back I should jump on. I would like some direction but I don’t know where to find it. I’m a little lost on my journey right now. I’m lost, but I know exactly where I want to go. That is the most difficult part. It’s like walking a trail through the woods. There’s a beautiful lake at the other end that is totally peaceful. I can see it and I can imagine it, but it seems so unlikely or impossible to get there right now. The lake is calm and the sun sparkles brightly off from the water. There are some huge blown-over trees on the trail. I know I want to go to the lake, but the blow-downs are getting in the way and slowing me down. I’m going to try to cut a few of them out with a saw and slowly continue on my way. I’m sure there will be many more things I will have to clear out of the trail, but I am absolutely positive about the place where I want to end up.
Never stop hoping and never stop dreaming. For now I have to be a dreamer while I plod along. One foot in front of the other while I breathe in and breathe out. I’ll keep hoping and dreaming because that’s all I have right now, that’s really all I have. I hope I get there.