Todd Mead's Blog

This is the first winter I can remember since I was quite young where it hasn’t given us any relief since late November. In the last few months we’ve only had a few days where the temperature has stayed above 25 degrees for a full day. I’m worn out both physically and mentally. I can’t get enough rest lately no matter what time I retire to bed. Today I came home from work, ate dinner, and passed out in the recliner for three hours. Now, as I write this, it’s 8:30 and I’m ready for bed. I’m hoping this brutal cold begins to let up in the next couple of weeks. I’ve had enough.

In early January I decided to attempt shooting in an indoor archery league for the first time in three years. I couldn’t shoot the year before surgery, the year of surgery or the year after surgery. Although I felt good enough to give it a try this year I’m not sure if it’s one of the better decisions I’ve made. I’ve had a lot of tenderness in the neck and shoulder area, but I believe it’s related to the muscles not being in shape for the required repetition of the shooting process.

It has become evident that my mind is no longer quiet when I’m at full draw. I used to hear very little monkey chatter as I drew, aimed, and released. This year I’ve heard nothing except monkey chatter. My inner voice talks to me non-stop, which has hindered me from achieving the scores I used to shoot on a regular basis. While I’ve had two above average rounds neither one of them is close to my best. There are days when I feel very close to regaining my old form, but the voice of negativity seems to creep in at inopportune moments.  I’ll continue fighting the fight and see where I end up by the end of the 10 week league. I have a feeling I’m going to come out on top in late March. I feel very close. It’s like being in the woods and feeling like I’m very close to seeing a deer. Very rarely am I wrong. It’s an inner sense that is unexplainable to most people. The power of positive thought almost always wins out over all the background noise. If I continue pushing forward on the march toward achieving my goals I will surely make progress.

Archery has brought a lot to my life. I’ve tried to give back as often as possible. Sometimes it’s something as simple as giving someone a nock if they break one during a round. Other times I might offer to work on their bow in my press. Since archery has given me so much I feel the obligation to help people. It’s one of the most gratifying things I’ve done. There’s nothing like watching someone become extremely accurate with a bow and arrow and achieving results they only dreamed of in the past.

A few years ago at this time I was told I would never shoot a bow again. Although it was quite realistic I never believed it. I figured I could beat the prognosis if I had surgery and gutted my way through the rehabilitation process. At times the rehabilitation seemed like it wasn’t doing a thing. It got so bad that the doctor asked me if I was even going to therapy. My range of motion didn’t improve in six months post-surgery, but I continued on. Many people asked why I bothered, but I knew if I gave up I would never have a chance to improve. Nine months into rehab I started to feel a little better. Now, I can shoot my bow and throw a ball again.

I might try shooting in tournaments this spring and summer if I continue making progress. I need to work on my mental game in order to be successful. I’ve started doing visualisation exercises to help me achieve a few goals I’ve set. I can’t wait to track the progress.

I’d like to say that I haven’t had the time to write, but I’d be lying if I put that out there for others to read. Instead, I simply haven’t made the time to write, so I decided I need to change that. Writing has always freed my mind. When I sit down at the desk and start pounding words out on the keyboard I’m often transplanted into places I didn’t imagine going 10 minutes before I sat down. Sometimes those places are dark and other times they’re bright and sunny. No matter where the road leads I just sit back and enjoy the journey. In the process I hope that I gain something from the time as well as anyone who chooses to read what I write.

Lately I’ve spent some time trying to get organized. I’ve set a few goals and it’s time to start outlining plans to achieve them. In the process of cleaning I’ve found a few things that surprised me, some that saddened me, and others that brought a smile to my face. All of these things were items from the last seven years. I knew it was time to throw some junk in the trash. As I gathered old papers between my hands I happened to read a quote I had written on one of them. Amazingly, the quote fit perfectly for where my mind has been over the last month.

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.”

Many people get caught in a routine. As time passes the routine becomes cemented into their way of life. We become accustomed to what we do and begin to plan our lives around our daily schedules. Life can become monotonous in many ways even if you’re still doing the things you like. Although you follow the routine you always have some wild and crazy thoughts of what you might do if things were different. I’m guilty of this and I’m sure some of you are as well. When these ideas pop into our brain it might be time to take a step back and examine them. At first something might seem like a crazy idea, but with more thought and research it might just be something that gives you freedom. A snake can’t continue growing unless it sheds its skin and we are very much the same. In order to improve our condition we must shed our old skin. That’s where the saying “there’s no reward without risk” comes from. The people who have the ability to take chances are usually the ones who end up  on top. The people who aren’t afraid to fail are usually the most successful ones because they’ll keep trying until they succeed.

I’ve found a few other quotes during my cleaning and I try to address a different one every day. I like the stimulation my mind gets when I read quotes and analyze them. I can tell I haven’t written in a long time. My writing is choppy and needs a lot of work. Writing is like any craft in the fact that you have to practice a lot in order to be at the top of your game. Hopefully I can make the time to start practicing again, especially if I plan on reaching my goals.

I sat at my desk organizing all of the daily work I needed to get through in order to get out of work at a decent time. Before long, I started cussing to myself and frowning at the list I had created. Within a few minutes it felt like a black hole had opened below me and was tearing my limbs from body as I held on for dear life. My legs dangled on the edge of the hole as I fought with all my strength to stay in the chair. Seconds later, the great force had passed and I was resting easy once again.  I had encountered that same feeling almost every day throughout the previous weeks.  Every day I held on to my sanity as the black hole opened and closed. It wanted to suck me in, but I tried my hardest to stay afloat. It would have been easy to give in and get sucked into the darkness. I’m not sure why the current felt stronger that day, but it did.

About 20 minutes after the aforementioned scene I felt my phone vibrate in my pants pocket. Since it wasn’t even 7 o’clock in the morning yet, I couldn’t figure out who would be calling me. When I got the phone out of my pocket and glanced at it, I was concerned. The caller ID displayed, “Mom.” I knew it couldn’t be good if she was calling that early.

When I said, “Hello”, it was easy to tell how distraught she was as she tried talking between crying and hyperventilating. All I could make out was, “Your father, your father!! He’s having a heart attack.”

As panic raced through my body, I grabbed all of my belongings and ran out the door. I ran through the parking lot and jumped in my truck. Racing through the streets in Glens Falls I prayed that my father would live to see another day. I felt helpless as the greatest man I’ve ever known was fighting for his life about eight miles away. When I got to the ER the ambulance hadn’t arrived yet. I patiently waited, well as patiently as anyone could wait under the circumstances. The minutes ticked by as I stood by the door and waited. I couldn’t imagine what was taking so long.

Finally the ambulance pulled in and the medics raced to get my father inside the ER. I could easily here the commotion and didn’t know what to assume. I was scared. The greatest influence in my life was lying helpless on a gurney with a lot of doctors at his side. There was no problem seeing he was in a massive amount of pain. This surprised me as I had never known heart attack victims felt so much pain.

A few minutes after he was in the ER they rushed him off to put a stent in, in hopes of saving his life.  I hoped for the best, but I also mentally prepared myself for the worst. That’s when I realized you can’t really mentally prepare yourself for anything like that. I’ve always had fairly good mental control with a lot of things, but this was one of those instances I knew I didn’t stand a chance. I could pretend I was strong, but in reality I felt like a lost 10 year old child in the middle of a big city.  Not knowing what to do with myself, I found a corner seat in the waiting room. In situations like that I don’t like to be bothered. I know family members want to huddle close together and be there for one another, but I’m different. I’m quiet, reserved and I like to be alone with my thoughts. My father always respects that, too. If he knows something is wrong he might ask once or twice and if I don’t respond he quietly transitions to another topic. I’m more appreciative of that than he probably knows. I think it’s because we’re a lot alike in that way.

A few hours later the doctor came out to tell us everything that happened and what they did to curb the problem for the time being. I felt a little more comfortable, but I still knew it would be a long road ahead to get him back to the level he was at before the heart attack happened. Everyone said he would be feeling better than ever within a few months. I found it hard to believe and decided to go forward with a realistic attitude.

Now, a few months have passed and my father is getting around a little better than he was shortly after the heart attack. He’s still not quite as rough and tumble as he has always been, but I’m sure it will take a while before he feels more comfortable. He’s going to cardiac rehabilitation three times a week. He has been progressing very well. I still worry about him. His breathing is still labored and he still has a lot of blockage on the other side. The blockage is being treated with medication for now, so I’ll hope for the best.

I realize how lucky I am to still have both of my parents with me as I go into my mid 40s. Even more amazing is the fact they’ve been married for 48 years. Wow!!! How lucky am I? Nobody has to tell me because I know wholeheartedly. Both of my parents have always been the best role models I ever could have asked for. I find it amazing how kids are always asked who their heroes are and they name a bunch of athletic figures. I’ve always believed my parents are my heroes. Without them I would be a totally different person. I believe they’ve molded me to be the best person I can be. I’m sure I haven’t measured up to the standard they’ve set for me, but I’ve given it my best. I also know they’re proud of me and they succeed when I succeed.

That last statement tells me that it is time for me to venture toward a few new goals. I need to get on the road, figure out exactly what I need to do, and just do it. It’s that time again and I’m ready. Over the next few months I’ll make a decision on what project I want to dive into and I’ll pursue it with 100% conviction……………….until then, maybe I’ll see you in my travels. God bless——————->

It was a cold spring day. The year before was my first serious year of competitive archery. By some miracle I ended up finishing third overall in the Northeast Triple Crown. It’s still one of the accomplishments I’m the most proud of. I came from nowhere to finish near the top. On this spring day in April I had spent the day in Massachusetts shooting the first leg of the Northeast Triple Crown. Since I had done so well the year before I expected I would do the same in the new year.

I’m not sure if it was the cold temperature or just a lack of preparation which caused me to finish lower than I had expected. The ride home was quiet. Although I finished in fifth place, I was let down because I was 20 points lower than the first place score. I knew I would have to be at the top of my game in the next two legs to come close to accomplishing my goal of being the overall champion.

A few hours after leaving the tournament I rolled into the driveway and unloaded my gear. Instead of organizing it and neatly placing it around my workbench, I threw it in a pile next to my bow press. I shuffled my feet across the cold cement floor and trudged up the stairs. When I got to the kitchen I noticed a large board across the entrance-way.  Not sure what to expect, I slowly peeked over the top of it and there he was!

A tiny black dog resembling a pot-bellied pig looked up at me. I loved him at first sight. One ear stood erect, while the other drooped. His little tail was docked and his face resembled that of a fox. He was a pure-bred Schipperke from a breeder in Schuylerville. He was the dog I wanted. To this day he’s the best gift I’ve ever received. A lot of things have changed in my life since that day, but he was always been the constant. That spring day was 19 years ago next month. It still seems like it was just yesterday.

The first few months I tried crating him, but he had no problem letting me know that he didn’t want any part of a crate. When I put him in it for the night he would cry and bark the entire night. Since he was so little it was easy for me to make the decision to let him sleep in bed with me. Since he was so small he couldn’t jump out of bed in the middle of the night. Before long he was sleeping with his head on the pillow beside me or he would settle in between my head and the back of the bed. Although I would never let kids sleep in my bed if I had them, I didn’t mind having him in bed. It seemed like he was just as comfortable with it as I was.

Since I lived in the country I didn’t feel it necessary to tie him up or keep tight reigns on him. Before long he was walking through the woods with me behind the house. I’d let him out to go to the bathroom and he would run back to the door when he was done. He was surely an inside dog, but he also enjoyed being outside with me. One day I was outside clearing some brush out of the shooting lanes of my archery range. When I cut a pine branch, it broke and hit my hand. I knew I was injured when it struck my hand. When I looked down I could see blood running out of the back of my hand and dribbling down fingers. Instantly, the hand began to swell. Within a few seconds I was having a hard time walking and began to vomit from the pain. That’s when I saw him. I could see the look in Theo’s eyes that told me he was worried. As I started toward the house he stayed ahead of me and guided me through the woods. He was aware of the situation and he kept turning around to make sure I was following him. When I got back to the house I put ice on it before heading to the emergency care center. In that hour of time I realized the two of us were made for each other. That was the day that bound us for the next 17 years. It was easy to see that he was concerned about my welfare, just as I would be the one to care for him for the next two decades.

Time passed quickly as I moved into and out of a few different places. Each time he settled in nicely to his new surroundings. Although he liked to bark he was always a good dog. I experienced some things with him that I’m absolutely positive could have only happened to the two of us. When I got him I drove a full size Ford truck. I’d say “Ride” to him and he would run as fast as he could to the truck and jump right in. Before we got out of the driveway he would leap over the back seat, run lengthwise on the bench and return to my lap. Once he was on my lap I knew it was okay to begin our journey. After we were on our way he always stood on my lap with his rear feet and braced himself against the window with his front feet. He loved looking outside.

I usually cracked the window for him so he could let the wind brush against his face. However, one day in the middle of the summer I decided to roll it all the way down because it was so hot. Since I was driving down Quaker Road at about 50 mph I figured everything would be fine and it was…………until we stopped at the main intersection of Quaker and Dix Avenue. Before I noticed what he was doing he jumped out the open window and headed for the middle of the intersection. Without thinking I jammed the truck into park and began my pursuit. Car horns rang in my ears as I chased him around stopped cars from one side of the intersection to the other. Every time I thought I had him he would dash under a car and go to the next one like it was a game. For the most part I have unlimited patience, but on that hot summer day he was testing every last bit of it.

As people became increasingly more impatient with the comedy act in the middle of the intersection I could hear foul language echoing off the stopped vehicles. Finally I got him in the clear and bolted after him. He ran straight ahead and jumped onto the leg of a motorcyclist who was stopped. To my amazement he began humping the man’s leg, which made it even worse. I  smiled at the man under the helmet, excused myself and my dog’s bad behavior, then snatched him off the man’s leg. As I marched back across the intersection to my vehicle with Theo under my right armpit people began honking their horns and cheering. I’m not sure, but somehow I think he knew he was the hit of the show.   I put him in the seat next to me and drove away.

I didn’t have to say a word. He hunkered down in the seat, lowered his ears and looked at me like he expected to be punished. Although he couldn’t understand human language I lectured him about the dangers of doing something like what he had done. I thought the lecture hit home, but a few years later I realized it didn’t when we went through a similar situation in another place.

It was things like that incident which made me love the dog even more than I already did. Occasionally he would get mad at me. Sometimes it was for a good reason and other times it was just because he felt like having an attitude. The year I put hairspray down his back on Halloween was probably one of those times he had every right to be pissed at daddy. Since he was pitch black it made him look just like a skunk. The hairspray came out perfectly white on his fur and the strip was from his head to his tail. I’m not sure why I didn’t take a picture, but looking back at it I wish I had. It was probably one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.

One other day I left him in the car while I went into Cumberland Farms to grab a soda.  When I got back to the car and opened the door an atrocious smell slapped me in the face. I had only been gone for about two minutes, so I couldn’t fathom where the smell was coming from. I was pretty sure he pooped, but I couldn’t see it anyplace. He didn’t look sick, so I continued the search. Then I found where he had thrown up a small mouse. I began to dry-heave when I saw it. Between the smell and the looks of it my stomach was spent. For the rest of the ride home he sat in the back seat and devilishly smiled at me in the mirror. His tongue was hanging out as he panted. His pointy little teeth, pointed ears and cute smile were too much for me to handle. I patted him on the head and told him I loved him.

There wasn’t a day that went by over those 18 years that I wasn’t thankful for having him in my life. When I hit a few bumps in the road when he was heading into his teen years he knew I was hurting inside. He would follow me all around and lay next to me. If I was sad he would get closer to me and if I was irritable he would lay a few feet from me just so I knew he was there. I’m not sure how animals know, but he just knew. I could sit here all night and write about things he did that made me laugh or made me feel alive.

Having your own dog who knows you, understands you, and loves you is something that can’t be truly understood unless you experience it for yourself. Although there were many times I wanted him to be able to speak, I was glad that he couldn’t. When I got home every day his entire body would wag from excitement. Most larger dogs wag their tails, but he was was so small and had a docked tail that he wagged his body. It was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen and surely something I will never forget.

I’ll share another story before closing this out. I had moved into a new home and was getting used to everything in the house. One night I was exhausted, which usually means I will snore when I fall asleep. I fell asleep quickly that night. A few hours later I could feel someone nudging me and telling me to be quiet. Half awake I said, “What?” My wife said, “Will you quit snoring?” Still unsure of what was going on I could hear someone snoring. I looked at the pillow next to me and there Theo was laying on his back, sound asleep and snoring just like a human. To this day it’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever witnessed with a pet.

As the years began to pass Theo’s overall health remained good. He was always a healthy dog and very rarely got sick. His hips acquired some arthritis and his rear-end became a little less mobile. At first the doctor prescribed some pain pills for him. The pills worked well for quite a while. Finally it got to the point where I had to think about Theo rather than myself, so I decided to make the call to the vet. I made his appointment for a Friday night, so I would be able to deal with it over the weekend on my own terms.

I felt like a child when my mother asked to go with me. She held Theo on her lap for his last ride. “Ride” the thing he probably liked the most out of anything. I wanted to drive right past the office, but I knew it was time. I also know how much Theo hated going to the doctor’s office. He always showed his teeth and did the mean growl. This time was different. When I checked in the staff sent us right to the room and told us the doctor would be with us shortly. My mom and I took turns petting him and comforting him. He looked sad. I know he knew why we were there. I could feel it. I’m not sure how or why, but I could feel it through his interaction with me.

When the doctor came in and began shaving his leg, he never even glanced toward the doctor. He had always growled in the past and showed his teeth……….not this time. I gently held him under my arm and ran my hands through his fur. I loved that dog with every last bit of blood in my heart. A few minutes later when he was lying lifeless on the table I was deeply saddened, but relieved. He looked like he was relaxed. He was lying on the table peacefully without any pain running through his body. It was January 11, 2013. He was only a month shy of his birthday.

A few weeks passed before I went to pick up his ashes. When I went to get them I made sure I went in the daylight. When I walked out of the building with his ashes I talked to him like I always did. I’m not sure if he could hear me in the spiritual world or if I just did it for myself. Either way, it comforted me to have him with me again. Since it was daylight I held his ashes on the door at the bottom of the window as I drove down the road. I did it so he could look out the window like he always did. After a few miles, I put the can on my thigh and left it there until I got home.

I’m not sure where the time went. I do know that I loved every single minute that I had Theo in my life. He listened to me when I needed to babble. He looked at me in a blank stare when I complained. He snuggled up next to me when I needed to cry. He barked at me when I needed a little redirection. He followed me when I didn’t feel like being alone. He led me when I wasn’t able to find my way. He was there for me the entire time. He loved me unconditionally and I loved him the same. Pets make it so easy for us to do things the right way. It’s too bad more of us couldn’t learn from this and love the people in our lives unconditionally. I’ve tried my best to do that and having Theo in my life has helped me with it.

…………..Until we meet again……………….Farewell little buddy. I love you Theodore Northlander Mead.

I hope everyone took the time to watch the video posted above since that’s what I’ll be discussing tonight. If you haven’t opened it up please watch it so you’ll have a better idea about the things I refer to.

A friend forwarded this video to me a few weeks ago. As with anything I watch I didn’t know what to expect, so I sat back and let it unfold in front of me. Everything affects people in different ways so I like to give my undivided attention to these things so I can continue learning things about myself as well as others.

As I watched it was pretty obvious how nervous the man was about his audition, but at the same time he had to have quite a bit of self confidence in order to give it a shot in front of the judges and huge crowd.

There were many things I saw throughout the video that got me thinking about different people in my life over the years and some of the obstacles a few of them have been confronted with. Everyone faces their problems differently. Some of them ignore everything, some of them get angry, some of them build walls and hide behind them, some of them let their past control them and others let negativity creep in and find a place to live.

Christopher Maloney had been told he wasn’t good enough. At 34 he has probably been told so many times that he began to believe it. Just as we have friends and family members who offer their never-ending support, so did he.

No matter what the crisis we are faced with each and every one of us have at least a few people who believe in us. When it feels like the world is caving in around us and sucking us into a black hole it’s these people we have to turn to and allow them to carry us to a better place. Without these people our world would be a much darker place. I have a very dear friend who has called me many times when she was in the bottom of the barrel. Months may have passed between calls but she knows she can count on me when she has lost hope. I’m extremely thankful for this friendship because over the last 20 years it has helped me in ways that are unexplainable to others. We’ve always had a mutual give and take relationship where one hand has always washed the other.

Through our conversations I’ve learned that a lot of doubt has filled her head and some of the criticism she has dealt with over the years has all about destroyed her self-confidence. After her trust had been shattered she wallowed around in self pity for quite a few years.  I always tried boosting her confidence but often felt like I had failed miserably after I hung up the phone. We’ve shared a few tears on our journeys and we’ve also shared many laughs.

One night I asked her if she would ever trust anyone again or if she did trust anyone. Her response almost made me hit my knees. What she said caught me off guard and startled me so I didn’t have a response. We’ve always  been the best of friends even if we went extended periods of time without talking. We can pick up the phone and it’s like it was yesterday when we last spoke. Well when I asked the question she responded, “Yes, I trust my mom, my dad, and you.”

When I watched the video that comment came back to me as I saw the judges faces when he started to sing. The judges were truly amazed. They never expected the sound and energy that sprang from his lips. He took them by surprise and continued on without even knowing what he had done. It made me realize that sometimes people amaze others without even knowing it. I guess I never realized how she saw me in her life or where I fit in. Although she couldn’t see me or hear it in my voice a few tears rolled from the corner of my eyes and dripped into my mouth. I had made a difference in her life, which although insignificant to some people, it was very rewarding to me. I smile every time I think about the comment just as I smiled when I saw the look on the judges faces.

I also liked the fact that Christopher Maloney finally decided to take a chance. If he failed he failed, but the greatest failure is not taking the chance at all. Dreams remain dreams if we don’t take calculated risks and risks lead to rewards. Dreams come true when we allow ourselves to step outside the box and get away from our comfortable surroundings. Something or somebody could be waiting so incredibly close to you but if you are blinded to the good things about people because of past insults and hurt you’ll never find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

This video was very uplifting to me as I hope it has been to you. Lately my dearest friend of the last 20 years has been making huge strides forward. I watched  her walk through hell in the hallway for the last 10 years, and at times,  even when I had all but lost hope, I tried to be a positive influence just as Christopher Maloney’s nan was to him. You just never know what you can do for another person if you remain strong and give them hope.

Amazing things can happen if you don’t listen to the criticism of others. Use it as motivation to get to a better place. Take it in your own hands to do the things that make you happy and give as you receive. Although there were many days when I felt like I was beating my head against the wall while giving friendly advice I couldn’t be happier to see where my friend is  now. What a pleasant surprise. It’s so refreshing and rewarding to have been a small part of the journey to a better place. As I always tell her…………….better, much better days ahead. Those horribly sad and lonely nights are quickly disappearing in the rear-view mirror.

As I climbed out of my truck and gathered a few items I would need for the next few hours my mind raced back to my childhood. I could remember a number of summer days very similar to this one when I stood in the same place with my parents. Back then it seemed like the journey down the dirt road was a million miles long. Now, 35 years later it’s just a nice scenic drive that lasts about 20 minutes.

My parents would make sure they had towels, drinks and food for any of us kids who accompanied them. As my feet started guiding me down the trail beside the brook I felt content to bring up the rear. I was with three of my friends and a couple of kids including the daughter of one of my friends.

When I watched the kids in front of me I realized a lot of life has passed since I innocently walked along that same trail as a child. I was always anxious to get to the lake so I could jump off the rocks into the water below. At that point I had never heard of the word “stress” and didn’t know anything about it. I didn’t even know anyone who had ever been divorced and all of my friends had both parents. I was clueless to the bad things that can happen in life.  The only thing that concerned me was jumping into the water as many times as I could before it was time to leave. My parents were always so patient and understanding.

I”m not sure what they thought, but as I sat there watching the kids jump off the same rocks I jumped from three decades ago, I think I got a quiet understanding of what they might have experienced.

Although they weren’t my kids it was very relaxing for me to sit there while they enjoyed every minute of the trip. They yelled, giggled, laughed, shouted and ran all over the place. It was just one of those feel good moments that lasted almost two hours.

Since I never had children and always wanted them I like to be around kids when I have the opportunity to do so. It also makes me appreciate the jobs some of my friends do while raising their children, especially the ones who have to do it as single parents. I know it’s not easy.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have been a good parent. I do know that I never could have lived up to the standard my parents set. If God was told to give me the best parents in the world I’m certain he would have given me the ones I have.

Along the way I’ve made some choices they might not have agreed with but they have always supported me. They never left my side when the walls came crashing down and both of them always pushed me forward in pursuit of happiness.

There were times a few years back when I wanted to let myself harden and become stagnant, but they made sure to point out the goodness in people. With apple picking season coming it reminds me of good and bad things that can happen to people.

Almost all trees have bruised apples lying on the ground below them once the picking season is in full bloom. Those apples are very similar to people in my generation. Most of us have been tossed aside at least one time and our insides are bruised. Some of us slowly heal from the bruises while others continue to poor salt in the wound and leave it wide open to experience more pain and hurt.

Hanging onto the hurt after you’ve fallen to the ground doesn’t do anyone any good. It stunts you from becoming happy once again and it allows your past to control your future.

When you go to the orchard in the coming weeks to do your annual apple picking remember to give a close look even to the apples on the ground. Each and ever apple can serve a purpose. Even those bruised ones on the ground can be taken home and made into a very tasty apple pie. We should look at people in the same way. Sometimes our friends need us to encourage them to get to a better place rather than let them sit under the tree and decay. Some of them might insist that they don’t want to be moved but we all know that everyone ultimately wants to be loved.

All it takes is a a gentle hand to reach into the grass, close its fingers around you and give you support as it puts you in a hoody pocket where you’ll sit back and enjoy your adventure in a new and better place where you’re appreciated. Don’t let the frost wilt your soul and realize that many others have been just as bruised as you. It’s all up to you to determine what you want to do once you’ve hit the ground. Hopefully you’ll realize the many great things in this world if you allow yourself to remain soft and open to the ones who matter most.

It has been a long time since I’ve ventured into this arena. The last time I was here I was waiting to have shoulder surgery. I guess you could say the surgery went well. The first few months after surgery the pain was unbearable at times. Although the pain has stuck around like a damp shirt on my back, I’ve learned how to deal with it without letting it get the best of me. Therapy seems like it’s a full time job and many days it feels like I’m not making any progress at all. As with everything I’ve encountered in my life I try to keep a positive attitude and continue pushing forward. I can see how many people quit. Therapy’s not easy and sometimes the curves life throws at you aren’t easy to navigate around.

A few weeks ago I went to the Washington County Fair. Since there were a few kids with me it brought me back to a time that seems more like a past life than the one I’m currently living in.

When my parents brought me to the fair every year it always signified the end of  summer vacation. I remember my mom letting me wear my new sneakers for that one night. I always thought I could run faster with new sneaks………..oh to be a child again.

As I observed all of the kids I realized how much life can change from the innocent years into adulthood. When I was that age I didn’t think about the future. I never considered how cruel the world could be to some people. They claim you make your own luck but I’m not sure that statement holds true for everyone.

I spent many of those summer vacations letting my feet guide me to places around my home. I’d walk through the woods to go fishing. I’d wander through the fields behind the house to find a quiet place to sit on a log. I’d lie on my back in the side yard and stare at the stars in the sky at night. I’d chase lightning bugs through the field across the road. I’d play hide and seek with my friends. There wasn’t much I didn’t try. No matter what I did I always let my feet guide me. Sometimes I knew where I wanted them to take me and other times they kind of directed me to places in my subconscious mind. I was a happy kid.

Now, almost 40 years later people ask me why I’m so regimented with the things I do. I guess it all comes down to learning to be disciplined with the disease I learned to battle when I was a child. Battling Type 1 diabetes has taught me things about myself that I probably never would have found otherwise. While many people would complain, I am thankful. The doctors told me to never drink or smoke when I was diagnosed. I’ve never done either. It’s amazing to think about the small things that lead us in one direction or the other. It’s even more amazing to think about the things that we allow to control us.

I’ve definitely encountered some life altering obstacles along the journey through life. I saw a few of them coming while some others jumped out of the woodwork and all but flattened me. I’ve been beaten down, humiliated, taken advantage of, played for a fool, instigated, lied to, and hurt so badly that I felt like constructing impenetrable walls around me.

That’s when I decided to let my feet guide me like I did when I was a child. I didn’t want my friends or family to have to scale a monstrous wall I built around myself. Heck, that wouldn’t be fair to them or to me. Actually, after all of that stuff happened to me I think I became more open and willing to let people close to me. I’m sure I’ve let down a few people in the process but I still push forward.

There are still so many things out there that I’d like to experience and I think it’s essential to let my feet continue to guide me. In some ways I feel like I can run even faster with my new sneakers now than I could back in those old fair days. I’ve witnessed things that can happen if you’re careless. You have to make better choices and realize what makes you tick. I really think I’ve finally found that.

Well, back to the night I was at the fair. There I was standing among thousands of people. Just like 35 years ago, I saw a few people I knew wandering around. I gave my courteous smile and chatted with a couple people, too.

I guess for now I’ll keep plowing along the unsurfaced road and see where I end up. Lately it’s been filled with a few pleasant surprises as well as some of those obstacles we all face from time to time. I really don’t know where I’m headed but I’m sure it will be good once I arrive.

Last weekend I had the pleasure of working with a visual artist from Australia to finish the filming of his art film. He arrived on Friday afternoon and left for New York City on Monday morning. It was probably three of the most intellectually stimulating days of my life.

We worked from sunrise until sundown on Saturday and Sunday. The time passed quickly. I didn’t think the morning session would ever end, especially when the assistant stood in front of me with the clapper and called out, “Scene 1 Take 49.” It amazed me how many Takes we went through to get it just right.

Since we were filming in the woods there wasn’t anyplace to charge batteries or transfer information. Halfway through the day the assistant and I headed back to my house to quickly sort through some stuff and back-up the footage.

I’ve never been around an artist, so the experience was quite rewarding in its own way. Alex (the actual visual artist) is 35 and Chris (his assistant) is 21. It was amazing to see the world for a few days through their eyes. It gave me an entirely new appreciation for the way people see things.

As Chris and I headed back to the house we discussed many different things. Then he asked me out of nowhere if I considered my life a success. I didn’t hesitate before giving him the answer. It’s something I think about quite often. I slowly glanced at him as I drove down the road and responded, “I consider my life very successful.”

His innocent smile indicated that he wanted me to explain what I had just said. I went on to tell him that I believe too many people base “success” on their occupation, wealth and education, but I don’t feel that way. Success is too often correlated to someone’s level in the pecking order.

If you didn’t know two people and I introduced them to you and said, “This is John. He’s the president of the local bank. This is Billy. He’s a teller at the same bank.” which one would you tell me is the more successful one?

Without knowing either man most people would say John is the more successful of the two. This shows you how shallow some people can be without knowing it.

Success should be based on your internal well-being. Every one of us has something special inside that makes us who we are. I qualify my life as being successful because I’ve been able to reach goals that I’ve set. I’ve made the goals attainable and worked very hard to achieve them. While I have many more goals in front of me I prioritize and knock them off one at a time. If I feel one goal deserves more attention than another I make sure I do everything I can to achieve it.

I also base my success on the people I’ve encountered throughout my life. Have I done my best to leave a positive impression on them? Have I challenged their way of thinking or inspired them to try something a little different? Do my friends feel confident when speaking to me about personal issues? Can my family and friends instill their trust in me when they need a shoulder to lean on? Have I touched any of the children I’ve spoken to while doing seminars or demonstrations? Have people read my books and thought, “Wow, I know exactly what he’s talking about.”?

When I examine the questions I ask myself I feel confident in answering most of them in a positive manner. It leaves me with a great feeling, too. I don’t base my place in life by the car I drive, the title of my job or the amount of money I make in a year.

How many of you know someone who looks down their nose at others? I see it almost daily. I find it amazing how educated people look down their noses at others who have the same amount of education, but in different fields. They think their education is more prestigious because it’s in a “select” field.

Since many people have children in school (or did at one time) how many times have you seen a parent, teacher or school official look down on a bus driver without knowing anything about the person? Although you might not be guilty, I can assure you that it happens daily. I know this because after my father retired he decided to drive a bus. He likes to drive, he likes children, and he couldn’t sit still after being used to working his entire life.

Parents will yell and scream at him like he’s a piece of garbage. He hears the stories every day about other drivers as well.  Many of the drivers have retired from extremely good jobs.

The world would be a better place if we didn’t place standards on people according to our own ideas. We should get to know people and let them tell us about their journeys. It should be quite easy to offer an opinion once you know the facts. As an exercise ask a few people if they consider their life a success. If they give you an answer that directly relates back to their job or their material belongings you will know that’s how they qualify the term successful.

I would much rather meet a person who tells me about all the time he/she has spent hiking, kayaking, running, or doing whatever brings them happiness. I want to hear stories about a person who finds success through parenting, writing, reading or gardening.

I’ve learned the most from the people with the least. Life experiences and our ability to learn from them and improve ourselves is what defines who we are when the sun goes down behind the mountain every evening.

Just to keep everyone updated;  my surgery will be next Tuesday. It will require lot of rehab afterward, but I’m looking forward to the challenge. Without challenges life becomes dull and we lose our edge. It’s always a battle. I’m glad I have the mental toughness to deal with each blow as I receive it. Onward and upward. Enjoy life and think about what you need to do to be the most successful person you can be.

How many of you do the same thing day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year? Many of us fall into routines and before we know it our actions become almost subconscious. Although I have fallen into routines in some parts of my life, other parts are anything but routine.

I can easily say that I travel the same way to work about 90% of the time. It’s just something I do without thinking. Sometimes I’ll change it up and take a different route to enjoy new scenery or to avoid certain areas clogged with traffic.

For the past few years I’ve noticed a guy who leaves for work about the same time I drive by his house every day. I don’t know anything about him, but he intrigues me. Every time it snows he gets up early to clear the driveway.  His truck is always parked in the same spot and by looking at the ladder racks I can reasonably guess he’s a construction worker of some type. When he leaves his home he heads north. Since most of the population in this area is to the south it makes me wonder where he’s going.

I’ve also noticed that he lives alone. His truck is the only vehicle in the driveway and if he’s gone before I drive by in the morning there’s never any lights on inside the house. Whenever I see him outside I giggle to myself because in some ways this man and I are alike. He appears to be around the same age as me, he’s single, he drives a truck, he goes to work early and he gets home in the late afternoon/early evening.

Well, the last few months I’ve noticed more activity around his house. When I passed by in the morning I began seeing a small car parked in front of his truck. I wasn’t sure whether he picked the car up for gas mileage or if it belonged to someone. Since I saw where he had cleaned the snow off from it a few times in the late spring I got the idea he knew how to treat a woman. Who knows, I could be completely wrong, but I did know he made sure someone’s car was cleared from snow when the weather was miserable.

Last Saturday I drove by his house and saw him building a rock wall. I didn’t pay much attention and continued on my way downtown. After I picked up a few prescriptions I headed home. On my return trip I saw a beautiful girl helping him with the rock wall. They were working on it together.  They had gloves on and both of them were kneeling in the dirt. As I drove by I could see them smiling and talking. For some reason the scene was refreshing.

I’m not sure what kept the man single for so long, but I could see that he was comfortable with his current status. I will probably never know anything about him or the woman, but it’s fun to imagine their stories.

Sometimes we dismiss things that we encounter every day. We don’t give anything more than a passing thought. If we allow our minds to wander once in a while we might just go to some wonderful places. My imagination ventured into a beautiful land Saturday evening. I saw things I liked and for some reason the faces of the man and woman kept coming back.

From there I saw myself traveling to the places I love. Sometimes our routines become so engrained in our lives we forget to take time out to experience other things that could bring a little more richness into our lives. We’re scared to try new things. We don’t want people to interrupt the normalcy we have created for ourselves. Instead, we keep driving down the same roads, eating the same dinners, talking to the same people and missing out on things that could bring us into a new and foreign place within ourselves.

As spring fades into summer try new things. Face your fears and give the things out of your comfort zone a try. Heck, you might just find happiness someplace you never imagined. Treat people as you want to be treated and always remember to be kind to other people. You never know what battle another person is fighting. Your kindness might be all they need to get to another day or to inspire them to achieve great things. If you can impact one life you have made a difference in this world. You’ll never know how far your influence will travel if you do the right things. Keep chasing rainbows and help people find the lucky little guy at the end of them. You can never give away too much of your treasure.

There are treasures all over if we look close enough for them.

  I walked out of the cellar door into the morning darkness and began loading my truck with things I would need for the day. A thin sliver of the moon could be seen across the valley and bright stars lit up the sky. Once I was packed I double checked to make sure I had enough to eat and drink, along with my medication. As I exhaled before getting in the vehicle I could see my breath slowly drift upward. In another hour the sun would be climbing over the mountains in the east.

  The drive was pleasant. There’s nothing quite like being on a desolate road in the middle of God’s country. Although I had a cell phone I knew it wouldn’t help me if I ran into a problem.

  Around 7 o’clock I found the place I was looking for. It was a utility line encased in yellow plastic, which was anchored in the ground a few feet in front of  a large hemlock tree. In the past I had noticed there was enough room to safely park my truck there.  I quickly backed into the spot.

  After I loaded my backpack I began my journey into some beautiful country. I had only been in this piece of woods two times. Over the previous few weeks I longed for this time alone. I wanted to walk through the woods, take in the sights and sounds of nature, and enjoy my own company. While it’s always nice to have a companion by your side, it’s also nice to have that one on one time, too. This was a day that I had planned just for that reason.

   As I got deeper into the wilderness I felt a spiritual awakening of sorts. My senses became more alert. I could smell the fresh air like a bee smells a flower. I could hear the noises in the woods like I was an animal who lived there. I could feel a brisk breeze on my face as if it was saying goodbye to winter and hello to spring. I was definitely where I needed to be.

  The daily hassles of life have beaten me down a little bit over the last few months. At times I felt like I have been punched in the gut. There are some things that make a habit of sucking the life out of you if you allow them to. Although I try my best to avoid situations like that, I still confront them from time to time. After all, I am human, just like the rest of you.

  There are many people who constantly claim they’re happy. They wear their happy faces and any other emotions are non-existent. I’ve read enough self-help material to know people who are ALWAYS happy usually are trying to hide something. While I can fake with the best of them, I also show my cards when a bad hand is dealt. I don’t think it shows weakness to express your feelings. It’s essential to your growth.

  After a half hour of walking I decided to take a break. I found a huge yellow birch tree to sit under. I kicked the leaves away and nestled my back against the trunk. I fumbled through my backpack until I found the bottle of water and banana I had packed. I felt the cool water travel from my mouth to my belly. It was a sensation that’s hard to explain. After I peeled the banana I made quick work of it. Although I was only a mile from the road I felt like I was in the Alaskan wilderness. 

  After a few minutes I became quite comfortable, but I realized it was time to get up. I had so much I wanted to see and sitting there wasn’t going to help me accomplish anything.

  As I aimlessly wandered through the woods I kept thinking about my parents. They were on vacation in Hawaii. They were cruising to all of the Hawaiian islands for a week and then spending a week on-shore. They had asked me to go many times. I chose to stay home. Without anyone to accompany me I didn’t want to waste money and act as a third wheel. Their trip was basically a trip to celebrate their 47th anniversary. Wow, 47 years! I can’t believe that. I’ve always wondered how some people do it, especially in today’s world. It takes a lot of hard work, commitment, and dedication. I commend both of my parents for that. I’m sure there were many times they never imagined being together for this many years. I”m thankful for every one of those years. Their relationship has made my life easier and much more enjoyable. I’m able to share the highs and lows with both of them at the same time or separately.

   My mind bounced back and forth between my parents and my current status in life as I continued through the woods. I’m not where I expected to be at this stage in my life, but I also feel I have a lot left to accomplish. I’ve set goals and I’ve stayed on track in my pursuit of them. I’ve recently added a very large and probably the most demanding goal I’ve ever had; I’m going to write a novel.

  The two books I’ve written were relatively easy to write. This new project will require a little more patience, persistence, and determination. I’m unsure of when I’ll begin, due to my upcoming surgery. I could be laid up for 6-9 months, so it will give me a lot of time to come up with an outline. Since I won’t be able to write or type I’ll have to clear my mind to organize and analyze certain things.

  Before long I could hear the river down below me. It was a dull echo that resembled  something smashing off from rocks. It wasn’t overly loud, but it was distinct. I climbed onto a flat rock and took a seat. I looked across the valley in front of me and drifted from though to thought. My mind was quiet  but active if that makes sense.

  I’ve encountered a few things that have let me down over the last month. I’ve realized it’s impossible to be let down if I go into things without any expectations.  Sometimes when we really want something to happen we become centered on it and lose our direction. Our conscious minds become too involved, which creates chaos. We start babbling endlessly to our friends about our disappointment. We do more things to keep our mind occupied. We get wrapped up in the “why me” mindset and nothing seems to go right.

  I’ve been a little guilty of this, too. Instead of concentrating on things that don’t happen and searching for answers it’s probably better to focus on the great things happening. When our friends talk to us repeatedly about the same thing it’s obvious they’re distressed. The best thing we can do is listen. Sometimes they don’t even want us to offer advice.

  As I glanced across the valley I could see the waterfall a few miles away. It brought out a sense of freedom in me I haven’t experienced in a while. I have to jump into the stream like a drop of water and freefall over the waterfall.  My stomach might come up into my throat. I might break apart when I hit the rocks below. I might bounce onto another drop of water and ride along for the journey. I might gently land into a pool of water below and find comfort in the chaos. No matter what I choose to do I must take chances. Our greatest rewards come from our greatest risks. Give things a chance. Jump into the stream and let yourself fall over the waterfall. You never know what could be waiting for you after the unexpected leap.