Todd Mead's Blog

As I made my way out of New Hampshire and into Vermont a light rain began falling. It was a typical spring day. Although I was in the car I could feel the damp chilly air settling into my bones. Being two hours from home I knew it was in my best interest to stop someplace to get a drink with caffeine in it. My eyes were heavy.

After stopping in Queeche Gorge I continued on my way. The stroll from the store to the car through the misty rain woke me up. There wasn’t a sound in the car as I drove through the Green Mountains. I embraced the silence and entertained some of the random thoughts that crossed my mind.

I was satisfied with the show I attended in New Hampshire. For the size of it I sold quite a few books. I never know what to expect at shows or book signings, so I try to go without any expectations. If  I approach it that way I won’t be let down if it’s a slow day.

As I made my way over Killington and down the other side onto Mendon Mountain I began thinking about the next day. I’ve been helping a 9-year old girl with archery. I recently showed her how to execute shots the proper way. It didn’t take long for her to understand what I meant when I told her to feel the shot. If you can feel the shot it more easily becomes a subconscious act. Once your subconscious mind takes over archery can become much more enjoyable. The next day some of the lessons would be put to the test. My little student would be competing in her first archery tournament. I told her all I wanted her to do was to make the best shot she could possibly make. If it went in the middle that was great and if it didn’t that was okay, too, as long as she had fun shooting. There’s no sense in doing things we don’t enjoy.

The next day came quickly. I got up early and took care of some things I needed to do before it was time for the tournament. I figured I would show up a few minutes before it started.

As I was getting ready to leave my phone rang. It was the girl’s mother. She told me her daughter was stressed out and wanted to go home. She was so nervous she couldn’t keep herself together. I asked if I could speak with her for a minute.

When she got on the phone I asked her if she was nervous. She told me she was extremely nervous. I asked why. I’m not sure what I expected for an answer, but the one I got clearly surprised me. She said, “I’m so nervous because I know I can’t win.”

I calmly asked her to tell me what we worked on and talked about earlier in the week when we were at the range. Since she was so nervous her mind drew a blank. I reminded her how she wanted to feel her shot and make the best shot she could. Winning or losing wasn’t important. I told her if she made every shot to the best of her ability she would be a winner. I told her that score isn’t as important as doing things the right way. If she felt her shot and performed as she had practiced she would get a good score.

When I got to the range she was just finishing up her two practice rounds. Her cute smile was somewhat reserved; she had her game face on. I was impressed how focused she was for a 9-year old.

After the tournament started I could see she was following her routine. She looked like a little robot. Everything we had talked about she was doing. She was following her shot sequence step by step and the arrows were finding their way into the two highest scoring rings on the target. It was a pleasure to watch. As I watched her shoot her arrows in the final end she looked exactly like she did in the first end. It was a compliment to her commitment. The kid is special. She has a big heart, she’s intelligent, she’s caring and she has the will and determination it takes to be a champion. She’s a true competitor. I don’t know if the motivation in archery will continue into her teen years. With everything else there is to do and with the adolescent changes she will encounter it’s hard to say what path she will take.  I have a feeling she will be an archer forever and a damn good one at that.

When the tournament was over all of the kids scurried around the range as they waited for their scores to be added up. There were happy kids, curious kids, carefree kids and sad kids, but one thing was certain; they were all awaiting their scores so they could find out who won.

When they started announcing the winners I saw my student’s face droop after they announced the 2nd and 3rd place finishers. Then first place was announced and the score was 5 points better than second place. When she heard her name called she couldn’t believe it. She had won the first archery tournament she ever competed in. I was proud of her. I shook her hand and gave her a hug.

I’ve been lucky enough to win a lot of archery tournaments in my life and some of them were really big ones. I’ve won some wonderful plaques, a few unique awards such as an inscribed clock and an arrowhead of excellence, some very large trophies and a lot of money, too.  I’ve written two books and traveled all over to book signings and shows. However, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt as proud as I did when she won the tournament and in all reality she’s the one who was responsible. I gave her a few of the tools and she built the house.

After she got her award I asked her how she thought she did. She gave me an answer I would expect from a seasoned veteran. She told me she made quite a few good shots and her goal next time was to decrease the bad ones.

Since that Sunday afternoon a few weeks ago I’ve thought a lot about everything that went on that day. I realized her competitive mental state is far beyond most children that age. I honestly believe the sky is the limit for her if she takes it upon herself to continue learning, listening and trying new things.

It also made me realize that many of us face similar situations in life. She wanted to quit before she started that day. She was afraid of something that hadn’t happened yet. After talking to someone she trusted she regained her confidence and gave it her best shot. We all have to do that from time to time. We have to trust our family and friends and hope for the best. We have to use the knowledge we have from what we have learned and apply it to the best of our ability. As long as we stay the course we’ll be okay. The only way we can build confidence is to find strength when we’re confronted by fear. It doesn’t matter if someone helps us find it or if we find it on our own. The secret is to keep moving forward and never turn and run because at that point you are defeated.

Sometimes it’s amazing how much children can teach us if we’re willing to step back and watch them from a distance. This experience was one of the most refreshing things that has happened to me in a very long time.  If you’re looking for something to do spend a few days helping a kid learn more about something they’re interested in. It could be rewarding for both of you.

I can hear the peepers singing outside tonight. This unseasonably warm weather is confusing nature and its inhabitants. People are running around like it’s summer. They will be disappointed when the temperatures drop into the 20s during the nights in the coming week.

It’s hard to believe it was 80 degrees today. This week last year we got pounded with a snowstorm that dumped about 18 inches. I remember it quite vividly because I had to give a friend a ride home from work. It seemed like winter was never going to let go. It held on like an iron fist. There wasn’t a hint of this weather until early May last year and even then the constant rain kept people waiting for summer.

As I sit here and listen to the peepers they sound incredibly happy. They’re singing so everyone around can share the joy. A stroll down the road shortly before dark reminded me of my childhood. I walked the same route many times when I was growing up. I usually had a fishing pole in hand and I was always in a hurry to get to one of my many fishing spots along the creek.

Although I didn’t mind having company now and then I really enjoyed being alone. I found it fascinating to sit and listen to the silence. How can you listen to silence you might ask. Well, I just had the ability that very few people possess. Silence to one person might not be the same to someone else.

Silence to me was hearing the squirrels chatter as they scurried up and down the pine trees on the banks above the water. Silence was listening to the ducks quacking as they landed on the wide areas of the brook. Silence was staring into the creek and seeing fish dart out from under logs as they chased the bait on the end of my line.

No matter where I’ve traveled since those days I still have the ability to enjoy the silence of nature. It wasn’t until many years later that I was presented with a question I had never thought about.

Although my philosophy class was at 4pm on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, I always enjoyed going. I never knew what to expect from day to day. No two days were the same just as no two people are the same. While there can be many similarities everyone and everything is different.

The silence I had grown so accustomed to hearing was never challenged until one of those afternoons when I was sitting in philosophy class. Then my mind was instantly jarred like getting rear-ended by a car at the red light.

“If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it does it make sound?”…………and there it was. The question to which there is no correct answer was posed by the professor.

In my mind it was still silent because when I used to go fishing although I could hear everything it was nature’s silence that kept bringing me back. The noises around me were a part of nature and I never viewed them as actual sound.

Of course the next hour was spent debating the topic. Some people went through every effort to defend their stances while others listened intently to the arguments being tossed back and forth. I was one who sat and listened. I’ve always been intrigued by the way people react differently to certain questions and situations.

The class I’m writing about took place 24 years ago, yet I remember it like I walked from my dorm to the lecture hall just last night. When class let out I went to the dining hall to meet my friends for dinner. We hung out and time quickly got away from us. I always took the low road back to the dorm which brought me past the pond on campus. The pond was unique because it was in the shape of the state of New York.

Just as I can hear the peepers outside tonight, I always heard the peepers when I walked past the pond. When I began hearing them every year I knew the semester was winding down. It was a good but sad feeling.

Since that day in philosophy class I’ve always wondered what the majority of people believe when they’re asked that same question. I’m pretty sure most people would say the tree makes noise when it falls. It probably all depends on the connection you have to your soul and its surroundings. It also might have something to do with whether or not you like to argue with other people. Some people say black if you say white……that’s just their nature.

As the peepers gained in numbers and the semester winded toward the end that year I fought like crazy to get good grades. I almost tried too hard for which I paid the price.

When I got to class for the final exam I felt prepared. I had studied everything we had covered during the semester. I felt confident I could easily answer any question about any philosopher.

After people got settled in the exam was handed out. To my surprise it was only one page. I was in the middle of the lecture hall and there were about a hundred students in the class. The exams were handed out from the first row to the last. I couldn’t help but notice when one of my classmates sitting in the front row got up and left before I even had my exam. He was good friends with a friend of mine. I figured an emergency came up and didn’t give it much more thought.

When I got the exam it was only one sentence in the middle of piece of paper with no lines on it. The sentence read, “Without using the scientific formula to explain it, why is the sky blue?”

I used the entire time to give the best answer I could. When I was done I was very satisfied. About three weeks later we got our grades in the mail. I was excited to see a C on my report card. I felt as if I had earned that C. I told my buddy I felt lucky to survive the class because I knew many people didn’t do that well. That’s when my buddy told me his buddy (the guy that left early) received an A on his exam and I found out why he got out of his seat so quickly.

His response to the question was, “Why not?”

I’m pretty sure he got an A because he was the only one of the hundred people who decided to go out on a limb and challenge the question. He stood his ground and put down exactly what came to his mind. He showed no fear. Most people would have been afraid of getting an F.

I learned a lesson from that simple “Why not” answer. I realized that you have to challenge other people as well as yourself. If you believe in something you have to go full force without any fear and face the outcome when it’s over.

I’ve replayed that scene many times over the last 24 years and it still amazes me. I witnessed a similar situation a few years after I graduated from college. We were going through a computer conversion at work and an older man who was a great worker got up at lunchtime one day and said to the boss, “I’m going home.”

The boss replied, “Oh, are you going to go grab some lunch?”

Without raising an eyebrow he politely looked at the boss and without any emotion  said, “Nope, I’m going home for good. I’ve had enough. I won’t be coming back.”

With that he walked out the door and never returned. He didn’t have a new job or any employment lined up. He knew he was at the end of his rope and decided it was time to do something new. He challenged himself to get away from the thing that dragged him down the most.

I’ve learned to value people like him and the guy in my philosophy class. We can all learn from people like them. When we know it’s time for change we have to move forward in pursuit of whatever will bring us to a better place both spiritually and mentally. Some of us are thrown into the ring of fire unexpectedly and we rise out of the ashes to heights we never imagined. Those of us who wait for the right moment just have to find out where we want to go and take the leap of faith.

Are you a frog who sits in the sun on a log or are you the tiny frog who leaps as far as he can to get to the next lily pad, which will help him to get to the water on the other side of the damn?

I can’t wait to get back to the orthopedic surgeon. Since the cortisone shot a few weeks ago I haven’t noticed any improvement. I think the first few days I might have been a victim of wishful thinking. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to sleep for more than three hours. It seems like every night I’m up and wandering around the house between 2-4. The throbbing pain in the top of my shoulder has now found a home in the top of my arm. Hopefully next Tuesday I’ll get sent to have an MRI done on it. Being an active person, this injury has zapped the life out of me because I can’t do the things I like to do. While I’m not completely limited, I’ve been cut off from the things that bring me the most joy and happiness. I know the road to recovery will be long and hard but there’s nothing I can’t handle. I’m a fighter as well as a survivor.

I went for a walk with a good buddy yesterday. He was remodeling his house on Lake George when I arrived. I would have liked to sit on his dock and watch the sun go down but he wanted to walk through the woods.

We talked back and forth as we gained elevation. With it being so warm I could feel the beads of sweat trickling down my forehead, onto my cheek and falling into the leaves. When we stopped to rest I could see the lake down below. It’s too early to be swamped with boats, so it was a rather peaceful sight. The water was calm and most of the gigantic summer homes looked abandoned from a distance.

We covered a lot of area before darkness consumed the sky. When we got back to his house I hopped in my truck and headed home. I still had a few things to do to get ready for my tax appointment today.

I made the tax appointment over a month ago. I couldn’t wait to get it behind me. It took about five minutes before I realized I shouldn’t have tried taking the easy way out. I went to the senior center to have them done because it wouldn’t cost anything. I figured I would save a good chunk of change if I didn’t have to pay the accountant like I did the last couple of years. Although I was told they could do my taxes there,  I quickly learned they couldn’t.

With all of the transactions and printing of the latest book it caused too many intricate problems they weren’t familiar with handling. I was irritated but realized it was my fault. I guess I’ll have to call the accountant before the end of the week since tax day will be here in less than a month.

I had to go to the pet store tonight to get some pain pills and food for my dog, Theo. It’s quite sad because every time I go I’m not sure if it will be the last time I’m there for him. His health has been fading. He laid on my feet last night. His tiny brown eyes had a tired, sad look in them. As I pet him his eyes slowly closed and I watched him breath as he drifted into sleep. I love that dog. I’ll never forget the day I came home and found him in my kitchen as a gift. He had a tendency to annoy people, but he never bothered me, even when he barked all night long.

I’ve never met anyone who knew much about his breed. He’s a Schipperke. A few weeks ago when the visual artist from Australia was here he saw Theo and said, “He’s a rat terrier. They were bred in Belgium and used on canal boats as watch dogs for rats and mice. Later on they became a Belgian royalty pet.” I was amazed. The man was brilliant. I’m still in awe of him and the time I spent with him was worth every minute.There weren’t many things he didn’t know something about.

He paid me an unbelievable compliment yesterday. In an email he told me I gave him what so many others couldn’t. He said it was my ability to articulate that stood out. The email was full of positive things. I felt great after I read it. Although I felt insignificant while I was around him, I can see through our correspondence that I made an impression on him as well.

I’m headed to New Hampshire this weekend. I’m looking forward to the quiet and peaceful ride through the Green Mountains of Vermont. I’ll be alone without any outside interference. I’ve made a habit of riding in the car without any noise. The silence can be almost deafening at times but exhilarating.

The conference I’m going to is right on the edge of the White Mountains in New Hampshire. I would imagine that there’s still snow on the larger peaks and I’m looking forward to some fantastic scenery.

There are no deep thoughts rambling around inside my head tonight. I’ll have to come back at another time when I’m ready to tackle something that strikes a chord.

There’s one thing I started saying this week every day on the way back and forth to work. I also say it when I wake up in the morning and before I go to sleep at night.

Anything is possible

I’ve already done things that others might have thought were impossible. I’ve dreamed dreams and I’ve accomplished them. I’ve set goals and followed the necessary steps to make them a reality.

Right now I must keep reminding myself that Anything is possible.

I have a few ideas I would like to explore. These ideas will require me to step out of my comfort zone and take a chance. I have to dot all of my i’s and cross all of my t’s but I must take chances. Hopefully I’ll find a way to do this in the months and years ahead.

I can clearly see the path I must follow. It’s a matter of putting on my hiking shoes and heading into the unknown forest to explore a much different place than where I’ve ever been.

The weekend was absolutely incredible. It was unbelievably refreshing to be around Alex Kershaw, the visual artist from Australia. It’s not often that I feel inferior to someone, but his intelligence was a bit overwhelming at times. I’ve also never met someone as open minded as him. His assistant Chris was very similar, although he was much younger. It was an experience that I will never forget.

As we walked up the mountain my mind was quiet. I brought up the rear. My friend Doug walked next to me while Alex, Chris and my friend Steve led the way. We took turns talking and each of us had a little quiet time as well.

For some unknown reason I found my thoughts rather quiet when I wasn’t participating in the conversation. My mind was calm at the center. I enjoyed it almost as much as I enjoyed the beautiful weather. A slight breeze brushed over my face as I could hear a few ravens in the background. Although I was with four other people it was extremely peaceful. I had no expectations, so nothing caught me off guard.

Well, nothing caught me off guard until I sat on “The Rock.” The Rock is one of my favorite places in the southern Adirondacks. It’s a place I’ve gone since I was a teenager to rest my back and collect my thoughts. It’s a place where I was introduced to hunting. I could sit on The Rock and all of my thoughts would gently seep out of my head and drift into the sky above. The wind would take the thoughts and carry them over the mountains I could see in the distance. I was as free as a bird. When I was there I felt like I was part of the landscape.

Then Alex stood in front of me and I heard his voice, “Todd’s Story: Scene 3, Take 1.”

I sat comfortably on The Rock and looked slightly downward and to the left of the camera as I listened to Alex pose his first question. “Okay, tell me a little about the things you referred to in your second book about your divorce.”

I knew what he was referring to which made it easy for me to look into the camera and explain some of the landscape which I explained in the book. He gently nodded his head and smiled as I continued on. Being on camera was rather easy. It reminded me of writing. Although I knew what he wanted, the question caught me off guard. The question brought me into a place I didn’t expect to go and I was quite happy to go there.

I thought back on my marriage. Many people like to say negative things, but I try to dismiss the negativity that surrounds divorces and break-ups because there are so many positive things we can take with us after things fall apart.

I’ve heard many people wish bad things on their former partners and this makes me question their character. It also makes me question their emotional stability and whether or not they have moved on. At first we probably all wish bad things upon the person who dashes our hopes and dreams. It’s only common nature to do that. As time goes on we have to learn to let those things go and learn from the past.

I’ll be the first to tell you I probably made a few too many mistakes along the way, but they are mistakes I’ve learned from. I loved my wife and as I walked out of the woods that day I realized that I gained a lot from the relationship. She was a good friend. I also realized the circle had completed itself. I used to think about her every day. Shortly after getting divorced I remember asking my friends and family if I would ever stop thinking about her every single day. They ensured me that it would gradually get better. I was unsure, but listened to them. It took a long time, but eventually the agonizing thoughts were gone.

Now, if I think about her I just hope that she learned as much as me and that she has grown as much spiritually as I have. I’m in a much better place now. It’s not because she’s gone, but more because of the different route that my life took when it was time to stroll down an unexpected path that appeared in front of me.

I have many people to thank right now for everything I’ve accomplished the last few years. As sad as it might sound she deserves a lot of thanks. She motivated me to do the things that brought me internal peace. I hadn’t written in years until the events unfolded that November. I truly forgot how much I enjoyed sitting down like this and writing about things on my mind. It brings me more satisfaction than almost anything else in the world.

I also find it amazing how I used to shoot my bow every day of the year for hours on end. I haven’t shot it in over 6 months, not even one arrow. Of course most of that is because of the shoulder problems I’ve encountered, but I also don’t feel like I need to launch hundreds of arrows. I don’t miss shooting, I just miss being able to shoot. At this point I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to shoot again. I guess time will give me that answer. Right now I would just like to be able to sleep more than four hours without waking up with throbbing pain in my shoulder and arm. I know it could always be worse so I sit back and try not to complain.

I’m up for a new project. In the coming months I’ll have to start setting goals and set out to accomplish them. I feel fortunate that I have the ability to finish tasks once I start them.

Last weekend brought me to place I’ve never been, as well as bringing me back to places I once was. When it was all said and done it reminded me of something that was once spotted on an old, old gravestone in this area by one of my friends.

Under the person’s name and date of birth/date of death it read, “Where you are I once was and where I am you will soon be.”

I think that puts life in perspective. We have to do the things we enjoy and learn from each and every thing that happens to us. We might encounter some really tough obstacles. We have to push forward, take the blows on the chin and try our best to stay afloat. Once a ship starts sinking there’s no saving it until it hits the bottom. Keep your sails high and let the waves slap against your face and don’t forget that in the end the journey will be your reward.

A few weeks ago I got home around 10 o’clock on a Friday night. Since I had to get on the road first thing the next morning to attend a show I quickly looked at my email to make sure no last minute changes had taken place.

When I glanced at the emails I found one that seemed odd. I didn’t recognize the sender’s name and the title of the email was……..I guess…….a little strange. I didn’t want to open it up and have a virus attack the computer so I decided to wait until the next morning. As I laid in bed I couldn’t get it out of my head. Something told me I should open it. Eventually I fell asleep.

When morning came I slowly rolled over to hit the nagging alarm clock. Five o’clock was coming a little too early for a weekend. After I turned it off I picked my phone up and went into my email. I clicked on it and opened it up.

What I found was simply amazing. At first I thought it was a bogus letter that you receive from someone overseas who has a big treasure you have to claim. As I read I saw that this person was specifically speaking to me.

She started off by telling me about her mother’s situation and how she couldn’t handle watching her mother die. She had returned to her mom’s home to be there when she died. At first she couldn’t bear the sight, but after a short discussion with the hospice people she knew she had to dig deep, find strength and cherish the last few days of her mother’s life.

In the evening she read “The Shack” and found a quote that I once wrote about which reads, “Sadness is the wall between two gardens.”

After she read the quote she decided to google the meaning of it the next day. When she googled the meaning my blog came up. She went there and read what I had written.

She told me how she could relate to everything I said. In the last sentence she simply thanked me for making a difference in her life. I sat there in awe after I read the last sentence. I didn’t know this woman from any other person walking down the street. I didn’t know if she was 21 or 71. I didn’t know if she was from the United States or Europe. All I knew is that she somehow found her way to my site.

After I showered and got on the road I took in the surroundings. It was a bright sunny day and fairly warm for late winter. I’m not sure but I think I could see hints of an early spring. My thoughts kept dashing back to the email. In a paragraph this woman told me I had made a difference in her life. In some ways I felt like the luckiest man alive. Although I know I’ve touched other souls this one was just different.

Now, a few weeks later, after a few email exchanges I find it even more amazing how different things in my life and hers have striking similarities. She wrote something to me about how spirits find a way to connect and for some reason I have to agree with her.

After I received that email other strange things started happening. Within a week I received three emails from random people which were very much like that one.

The most intriguing one came from a visual artist who is from Australia, but he’s here in the United States working on a project. He told me he googled a few things while doing research and my name appeared so he sought me out. He sent me his website to see some of the work he has done and I find it amazing. When he’s done with this project it will be featured in different art galleries across the world.

I’ve been told many times that we make our own luck. I’m not sure if I made my own luck with everything that’s going on but I do feel pretty good that people found me when they were searching for answers to specific questions.

I’ll be spending the next three days with the visual artist/film director from Australia. I can’t wait to spend time with someone from another country. I’ve been fortunate enough to spend a lot of time with people from South America over the last few years, but this will be the first time I’ve been able to meet with someone from down under. I’m sure it will be an eye-opening experience.

Life keeps dropping things in my lap. I’m pretty sure I’m on the edge of something that remains hidden right now. I’ve been getting the same feeling I get when I hunt. As one day leads into the next and I begin seeing a lot of sign or a few more animals than normal I can always feel it in my gut that I’m getting close. Then, more times than not, I take a deer within the next few days.

All of the unique emails recently give me the same feeling. I’m not sure what’s coming, but there’s definitely something waiting to be found. I’ll welcome it when it presents itself.

I don’t feel well tonight. It seems like I’m in the rut that comes along once a year. I don’t have very much ambition and I feel tired.

I come home from work, sit in the recliner and fall asleep. After I eat dinner I can’t find enough strength or will power to do anything constructive. I’m not sure if I’m still feeling under the weather from the surgery or if it’s just a mid-winter lull. Since the surgery I haven’t felt the same amount of energy that I normally take with me from one day to the next.

I spoke to three friends last night about vacations. I told each of them how much I missed going on a winter vacation like I used to. The vacations always broke up the winter. It felt refreshing to go away and relax in a totally different environment. It probably would have been easier if I didn’t have to deal with diabetes, but it was still fun. I let my mind free itself of the distracting thoughts I encountered while grinding through work every day.

As I discussed vacationing with one of my friends she said that she would also like to go on vacation, but she would have to wait until her dog got a little older. He couldn’t handle being alone for a week while she was away. Since she is just getting used to having a pet I kept from laughing even though I wanted to say something. Instead of saying what  I wanted I casually went along with her idea that it would probably be a few years before she would be able to do something without having to worry about the dog. Since we’ve been friends for quite a while I’ve been able to see her actions from a distance and a recurring theme always comes to the forefront.

No matter what the circumstance might be something always comes up which holds her back from doing most things that could be enjoyable. I’m not even sure if she knows that she makes up excuses. I mean really, I’m pretty sure the dog would be fine if she found a good place to have him boarded for the week. I understand her concern, but before you know it the days turn into months and the months turn into years. Then you will look back on a lifetime of missed opportunities. She could go away with her friends or even by herself and have an enjoyable time, but no matter what she finds an excuse to stay put.

I can’t figure her out. It’s probably because we are two drastically different people. I’m the type of person who will go someplace if I have an opportunity as long as I will be doing something that will be fun. I’ve learned that when you keep putting things off and saying you’ll do them in the future that many times life really does get in the way. People become ill. Family structures change. People lose their jobs and others get taken from us at the most unexpected times. We can’t control any of those things. However, we can control what we do with our lives.

Sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to take chances. We have to step into places that are a little beyond our comfort zones. We have to be willing to realize that we can only stop ourselves. We can use our pets, work commitments, hobbies or anything else for excuses, but in the end we are the only ones who know what keeps us stagnant.

When I talk to this friend on occasion I get lost in thought during the conversations. I can’t imagine how one person can come up with so many excuses to stay put. In the end I guess it doesn’t matter as long as she’s happy with what she does and the opportunities she misses out on. When I look at myself I’m just thankful that I’ve always done the things I want to do. If I died tomorrow I could easily and honestly say that I’ve lived a complete and fulfilling life. I’ve done almost everything I’ve wanted to do. Although there are still things I would like to experiment with, I’m extremely satisfied with the path that my life has taken.

I’m beginning to get a lot of feedback on my new book. To my surprise most of the people who have commented seem to like this book better than the first one. I guess I have to give some credit to my editor since she told me she thought this was a much better book. She thought readers would get a better sense about who I was as a person.

As with the first book, once the feedback started trickling in it gave me the drive to start another book. I have three ideas to sort through before I tackle that project. I would also like to update my computer and get onto a system that will be easier to format books. Hopefully I can get all of that accomplished by early summer. I’m not sure but I might start another book in the series of the first two, while I attempt to slowly write a novel. It’s great to have ideas an goals. There’s nothing more rewarding than writing about it tonight and seeing it as a finished product in the future. I didn’t know I would ever have that ability until I realized that your outside accomplishments away from the office are solely up to you. You can do anything you want to do if you put your mind to it.

I’m an author. I always have been and I always will be. Believe it or not I don’t write for anyone other than myself. It may sound selfish but writing helps me get thoughts out of my head. I believe I’m just fortunate that people like to read my writing. The continued success of both books are living proof of that. There’s no better feeling than people asking if I’m working on another book when the last one just came off the press……………….onward and upward. Without a paddle you can’t get far with a canoe.

I’m lucky I learned to type when I was young because without a keyboard writing would be a little more difficult. Sometimes you just have to take a chance. When I began my first book I had no idea if it would sell. After it landed on a best-seller’s list seven months after I released it I felt a sense of accomplishment that will be hard to rival. It all happened because I took a chance. I didn’t make excuses when I struggled. Instead I pushed forward. I never knew what the final outcome would be but I assured myself that I would have fun doing what I love to do. I’ve always felt that way and always will. If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t take chances…………………maybe it’s time.

I’ve had so many things happen over the last two weeks that some days it’s hard to make sense of any of them. Unexpected events as well as things I saw coming from a distance have suddenly jumped on my back like the baggage of a traveling circus. Sometimes there’s just no way to hide from it.

I wish I could wander into an imaginary land and sit quietly under a tree. I would watch a red, orange and yellow leaves gently float through the sky after being blown from the trees. I would concentrate on my breathing until nothing else existed. My mind would be free from conscious thought and if only for a minute I would be a peace.

If I could walk into the closet and continue walking right on through it into a dream I most certainly would do it. I’m not sure my dream would be like the Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, but I’m sure I would be able to add a few fantasies as I made my way to the Utopian state that I imagined before opening the door.

Unfortunately I can’t do either of those things. Instead, I have to lay my head on the pillow every night. I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling. It has been a long time since I’ve experienced nights like the ones I’ve become accustomed to over the last two weeks. There are people I want to yell out to, but there’s nobody there to hear me. There are others that I want to gently nudge to get them moving in the right direction. Still, there are others who I would like to sit back and listen to as they share their thoughts.

When I eventually fall asleep I don’t stay in that relaxed state too terribly long. By around 2:30 every morning I have to get up because of the nagging pain in my hip. I’m sure it will go away at some point, but right now it’s a nuisance.

By the time the alarm clock starts singing at 5am I know it’s the beginning of a new day. I never know what to expect. Lately it seems that no matter what I do there’s someone that feels they have to judge me. It might be from something I said or it might be from the way I acted during a certain situation. No matter what the reason I can’t seem to escape from it.

I’ve made mistakes just like the next person. Sometimes other people just can’t figure me out. I can deal with that but when some of these people continue telling me why I act the way I act it tends to get under my skin. I don’t purposely hurt people. It’s not in my nature.

I’ve always been the protective type. I try to protect my friends and family. I might say too little or not enough. Although I haven’t always done the right thing at the time I did it I believed I was doing it in the best interest of the person or people I was trying to protect.

I’ve realized that the gap in communication can be overwhelming when a person gives meaning to your actions. Nobody can know why you do what you do except for you. I’ve had angry words said to me, fingers pointed at me and I’ve been ignored by others. In the end it’s all because of one thing. That thing is because I didn’t do what the people thought I should do. I failed to live up to their expectations.

How many of you have experienced situations like that in your life? If you haven’t experienced it you haven’t lived. I’ve always been very quiet by nature. I’ve never talked very much with any of my co-workers or casual acquaintances. I find that it makes my life much simpler. I also go through times when I don’t talk to the people closest to me because I don’t know what to say. I might not even know how to say something if I do have something to say so I remain quiet.

I don’t like drama and I don’t need it in my life. I’ve had a tendency to be really short with people when I feel it coming. If they keep pushing I have a habit of trying to explain myself which leads to more drama. I’ve realized it’s just not worth it. If people can’t except you for who you are, how much you appreciate them and the way you act then you need to look for the answers as to why you let them bother you.

You see, when I jumped into the dream and found myself on the side of the mountain under that tree,  I didn’t have to deal with anything. I focused on my breathing and nothing else. As I exhaled I could see all of the stress and unwanted negativity exiting through the top of my head. Seconds ran into minutes and before long I was so deeply engrossed in breathing that I had no place for any outside interferences to make their way into my being. After all, that’s what meditation is. We focus on every breath. We acknowledge passing thoughts without addressing any of them. This frees our mind and brings internal peace.

My life was much simpler when I chose not to engage in conversations that had no purpose other than trying to expose hidden truths. I’m headed back to that secret place. That place where everyone around me wonders what I’m thinking. Instead of asking for my opinion they’ll steer clear because they know that I’ll give a one word answer. I’m not here to be involved in the battles between people. I’m here to enjoy the relationships I have without finding myself in unfamiliar territory where I shouldn’t be.

Since I’ve been rambling on about changes I’ll leave you with a quote that sums up how I feel tonight. Sometimes change brings bitterness and happiness at the same time. Sometimes it doesn’t affect people the same and causes some tension.

Those who expect moments of change to be comfortable and free of conflict have not learned their history. ~Joan Wallach Scott

With all change comes some type of conflict. The conflict might be within yourself, amongst others or it might be with the people you left behind or the people you have yet to meet.  These moments of change are what define our character. We’re the only ones that can do something about it. In the end it doesn’t matter what other people think about us as long as they respect us. And respect isn’t given it’s earned.

It’s miserable out tonight. I had originally planned on going to see many of my old hockey teammates, but the weather made me change my plans. One of them called me last night and said that they had a game at 7pm. Since I decided my safety was more important than seeing them I guess I’ll have to wait for another night. It will be good to see the guys. With all of my health issues over the last couple of years I had to step away from hockey.

When I blew my right knee out two summers ago I wasn’t sure what the future had in store. After a lot of physical therapy I was able to get back into action, but I chose to stay away from hockey. I miss it because it gave me such a good workout. I don’t miss the cheap shots which led to some broken ribs on two different occasions. That stuff is okay when you’re younger, but after you get past 40 those aches and pains seem to linger much longer than they used to.

Many of you know that I spent last weekend at the Yankee Sportsman’s Classic in Essex Junction, VT. As with all of the shows I’ve done over the last 20 years, it was nice to see people who share the same passion as me. There’s nothing better than listening to people talk about doing the things they love.

I was also able to experience something that has been missing for awhile. I was surprised at the number of people who purchased my second book because they liked the first one. Many of the faces were easy to remember while some of the others took a few seconds to recognize. Sometimes it might be a unique word someone uses or other times it might be their looks that brings me back in time.

When people share their thoughts about your work it’s an unbelievable feeling. There’s nobody out there who doesn’t want to hear good things about himself. When you hear a lot of compliments it makes your work seem like it was worth the effort. I’m not sure if the people like the way I write or if they just like the story format that I follow in my books. No matter what it is, I’m glad they like it.

Many of us occasionally feel like our lives are insignificant. I have friends who are teachers, coaches, therapists, cops, loggers and lawyers.  Each and every one of them has at times spoken to me about his/her life.

Last weekend I realized that I had made an impact on a lot of people. Some of the people I know well, while others I don’t know at all. That’s the beauty of the whole situation! My writing can touch other people. They can carry it with them and discuss it with their friends and family. My name might come up during a conversation on the phone or at a dinner table. One person might recommend my book to another person. At times,  some people might even wish they could meet the author of the book they’re reading. No matter what the circumstances might be I have touched people far and wide. What an amazing feeling. I feel sad for the people who have done the same but don’t have the ability to realize how their contributions have touched others.

Many times teachers will focus all of their energy on the child that just doesn’t seem to get it. As time goes on they don’t realize how many of the other children they’re helping. All of their energy goes where it shouldn’t. That’s when darkness appears. It tempts them to walk into it rather than embrace the light shining off from the other children. Then, every once in a while that one child who the teacher had all of the trouble with ends up coming back to visit years later. All it takes is the face of the child to finally realize how the teacher’s influence went far deeper than she ever imagined.

Some lawyers have a conscience while many others do not. If you’re around enough of them you can see it on a regular basis. Although they’re fighting for their client they feel bad when the person on the other side gets screwed over. Very rarely do they get to extend their hands to the “opponent” but the few times that they do it can be very rewarding when they realize they were only doing their job. I saw a friend of mine apologize for what he did to a defendant during a divorce proceeding. The defendant extended his hand and said, “That’s okay. I realize that you were just doing your job. I don’t hold anything against you and I don’t pass judgment.”  Amazingly the two of them became friends and shared a few dinners after the proceedings were done. Not only had the lawyer made an impact on his own client he gained the respect of a defendant who later on referred people on a regular basis to his office. In some small way that has to make a person feel pretty good about what he does and how he treats people.

The wonderful thing about everything I’ve written is that we all have the ability to put ourselves in these positions. The sad thing is that many people aren’t motivated enough to do it. You have to be motivated and inspired to go above and beyond what the average person does. You have to find your niche and pursue it. You gently push down on the accelerator and steadily apply pressure until it’s on the floor. As you race forward there’s really nothing that can stop you. There aren’t stop signs or red-lights or cops to chase after you. You are in charge of where you’re going. You’re the driver and it’s up to you how far you drive and how many places your influence will be felt.

I realized over the weekend that the road in front of me is clear. I’ve also realized that many people are now standing beside the road waving to me as I go by. They’re welcoming me to stop and visit. They await me in places I haven’t been and they’re glad to be a part of my journey.

It doesn’t matter what you do. If you can see that your life gives meaning to others then you have succeeded. You have found your place. It’s not important whether you’re an author, a musician, a teacher or a big brother/sister. An appreciative smile from a receiver of your work makes every day better than the last.

Have you ever seen someone who appears to be quite normal, but underneath you know that they are lost? I’m sure we all know at least a few people like that.

It’s sometimes difficult to reach these people because of the way they react to constructive criticism. While we’re trying to help them they put up a wall and shut down. Instead of letting us help them they become agitated and disagree with us that they need help. We’re left feeling helpless. We love the person we’re trying to help but we can’t do a thing about the demons that control him or her.

Other times the person will listen to what we’re saying but a few weeks or months later the significance of our lecture appears as if it went in one ear and out the other.

People with deep-rooted problems can very rarely identify their actions as a problem. While we can see it as plain as day they’re in an entirely different world. That’s why they don’t accept our hands when we offer our help.

What do you do?

We’re all different so no two answers will be the same. When it comes right down to it we really can’t control anything but our own lives. We need to make good decisions, identify problems and try to work on the things we need to work on to help us become more successful in all areas of life, from our relationships to our jobs to our behavior.

Sometimes our example will lead others to follow. This is a case where being a leader is better than being a follower. Our actions could motivate our loved ones, people we work with every day, or even someone we don’t know. Our influence can travel far and wide if we live what some term “a good life.”

Lately it seems like the walls have slowly been closing in around me. No matter what I’ve done it seems it hasn’t been the right thing. In the end I’m the only one who can judge what is right and wrong for myself. As other people act and react, so do I. I’ve learned that we can never truly understand another person’s actions. If we try to make sense out of their reactions we set ourselves up to be disappointed and hurt. It’s kind of like holding a door open for someone. Most of us expect the other person to say, “Thank You.” However, if they don’t, we consider them rude. We do this because of what we expect. The person didn’t meet our expectations so that person should be held accountable.

Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. Sometimes people are in a hurry so they scurry through the door without thinking. They might have kids in tow and be so overwhelmed that they simply forgot to say thank you.  It’s impossible to know what another person is thinking. At times it should be obvious, but even then it’s still impossible to know.

The next time you find yourself in a situation when someone doesn’t live up to your expectations try to determine why they failed. Sometimes we have to look into our inner being to figure it all out. The answer might be at the surface or it might be deep within our souls.

Our journey through life will be filled with bumps and bruises. What makes us who we are is how we react to these things. Do we let them control us or do we take control of them so the same feelings don’t consistently resurface?

If we don’t learn from every action and reaction we will never grow. Take the positive from what you see as a negative situation and learn from it. Try to understand how the circumstances behind every reaction can be vastly different between people…………………that’s the beauty of life……….we all have different fingerprints and we are all different people…………

In our travels through life we’re sometimes fortunate enough to meet some really special people. We might meet them in an airport, at a baseball game, in the supermarket or walking down the street. We also might meet them because people close to us recommend them in order to help us with something.

While I’ve met many incredible people from all over the world, lately I feel very fortunate to have met two people who live in my hometown. When I was diagnosed with diabetes when I was little I had the same doctor until he retired. After that I went to another pediatrician who was well respected in the community. I enjoyed visiting him and he pointed me in the right direction as I moved into the adult years.

When I got out of college I found another doctor who I really liked. He just fit my style. Unfortunately he decided to go in a different direction and get involved in the administrative side of the business. However, he referred me to a woman who is now my primary doctor, Dr. Suzanne Blood. Since my first visit with her many years ago we’ve formed a pretty good patient/doctor relationship. I respect her work and I value her opinions. She has compassion and understanding that so many people in the field don’t have. If I have blood tests done she always goes out of her way to call me to let me know how things look. I can tell that she’s genuinely concerned about my health.

A few months ago when she called me at work and told me we had a problem I was a little nervous. When the doctor calls you at work you know there might be an issue that should be addressed. After a brief conversation she told me that she had put a call into a surgeon who is a friend of hers. She told me that I had a tumor that needed to come out and she referred me to Dr. D’Agostino because in her words he’s one of the best in the business.

Since I know how wired she is I knew that I was being sent to a doctor who is very good at what he does. Since I had to wait a week to see him I asked around to see if I could find anything out. It didn’t take long to get answers. To my amazement he had operated on many people I know. Every person told me the same thing, “He’s really good and on top of that he’s a great guy.”

With all of the positive comments I figured I couldn’t go wrong. Still, not knowing him, I didn’t know what to expect. As I waited in the exam room with my father all I was really thinking about was whether or not he would let me go on the vacation that I had planned since January.

When the door handle turned and he came into the room he didn’t beat around the bush. He said that he had looked at my past medical history. He gave me his opinions on what we were dealing with and told me the choice was up to me. I could have the tumor taken out early the next week or I could go on vacation and have it taken out when I returned providing I was mentally capable of dealing with the emotions if it was cancerous once it came out, although he was pretty sure it wasn’t.

It didn’t take me long to think about it. I figured in the grand scheme of things two weeks probably wouldn’t make much of a difference, so I left for vacation later that day. I can’t tell you that it wasn’t on my mind when I was away. I thought about all the “what if and could be” scenarios.

When the surgery was scheduled the pre-op people from the hospital called. They gave me directions to follow with my medications and I did exactly what they told me to do even though I knew it was going to pose a problem the next morning. I guess you can say that I do what I’m told.

The next morning was a disaster. My blood sugar level was through the roof. When one of the nurses tried telling me I should learn how to control my disease a little better I was not too terribly happy. As the old saying goes, “Don’t judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes.” When my doctor got there he talked about the situation with me and my parents. He said he just didn’t feel comfortable doing the operation given the circumstances. Then he told me to do what I normally do the following week and we would get it done. That made my life a little easier and less stressful.

The next week came and my blood level was really good up until the surgery before me extended a little longer than expected. That’s when it started to creep up.

Then Dr. D. came in and did something that most other doctors probably wouldn’t do. He said, “Great job with your blood.” For some unknown reason he had the ability to make me ignore all of the nurses and relax. Very rarely do I consider myself any different than the next person, but every once in a while I realize that living with diabetes can be rather difficult. I guess I’ve just become accustomed to following a system and not doing things I’m not supposed to.

When the pre-op girl called me before the surgery she was asking me the questions and she said, “Do you drink alcohol?” I answered, “No, I’ve never had a drink of alcohol in my life.” Since one of my friends works in pre-op she called me later that night and said that her co-worker asked what the heck is wrong with this guy because I said I never drank. My friend laughed. When I was diagnosed they told me not to drink or smoke so I’ve never done either.

The surgery ended up taking longer than anticipated, but I wouldn’t have known the difference because I wasn’t conscious. It has definitely been a little painful at times over the last month, but as with anything I can deal with it.

A few days after surgery Dr. D. called me later in the evening. I guessed that he was probably the only one in the office since it was around 6pm. He asked how I was doing and how I was feeling. In some ways it felt like the doctor I watched on Little House on the Prairie when I was little. The doctor was always concerned for the people he treated and he showed compassion. You just don’t see that too often anymore, which makes it even more significant.

As the days passed I had to see him in the office once a week so he could check on the wound. He called a few times during those first couple of weeks just to make sure things were going well. When he did that I understood why Dr. Blood had referred me to him. They handle their patients the same way in that manner. Dr. D. seems to be much more passive and laid back, but I guess that’s probably what makes him such and incredible surgeon.

Before I left his office on Wednesday I gave him something to read to see what he would have done if he came across a situation like I did a few years ago. I have a feeling he would have reacted just as I did. I’m not sure why but I get the idea that his mother was a very good woman. I know that I get my compassionate and caring side from my mother. I’ve been lucky to get a lot of great qualities from both of my parents but it’s my mom who brings out the soft side in me.

I feel unbelievably lucky to have met both Dr. D and Dr. Blood. It brings me to one of my favorite quotes which reads, “You never really know when you might meet someone who will change your life. More importantly, you never know when your influence might change another life.”

That quote holds true for me for both of these doctors. If I hadn’t met Dr. Blood I never would have met Dr. D. They have both contributed things to my life in their own ways. Dr. D. changed my life my taking out the large tumor that has caused me a lot of discomfort for what I think has been a very long time. Although he can probably see how he has changed lives I’m sure he doesn’t hear as often as he should how thankful people are for his expertise in his field. Here’s to you Dr. D……………………..thank you for taking good care of me and showing compassion during the recovery. It goes further than you know. I’ve heard many people discuss your work and post-op care and concern. Don’t ever think it goes unnoticed.

I’m sure surgeons deal with the negative aspects of the job on a daily basis which at times must make them numb. I can’t imagine having to be the bearer of bad news on a regular basis. At the same time, I would imagine that it’s exhilarating to know that you saved a life or relieved someone from a lot of pain.

As for the quote above, I’m sure my influence probably hasn’t changed the lives of either of these doctors, but I’ve also been fortunate enough to reach many children while doing the motivational lectures at different schools. I’ve done many things in my life and I’ve accomplished a lot in the fields I’ve dabbled in, but there’s absolutely nothing that can compare to touching the life of a young person.

So, as you go from one day to the next try to find what you’re good at and let your influence change the life of another. I’m not a politician. I’m not a teacher and I’m not a surgeon, but I’ve found a way I can help others. Once you find yourself in this special place you’ll never want to return.