Archive for June 7th, 2009

Back in Play

Sunday, June 7th, 2009

It seems like I haven’t had time to breathe lately. One thing leads to the next and before I know it another day, then another week has passed. I felt like it was necessary to sit down to write tonight since I’ve let that slide the past few weeks. So much has happened that I don’t know where to start, so I guess I’ll start with last weekend.

I haven’t shot a 3D target all year, but I decided to go to the NY State IBO Championship in hopes of qualifying of for the IBO World Championship in August, which will be held in western NY this year. Without any practice I didn’t have any expectations. I figured I would shoot my best and see where the chips fell. The rain fell steadily on my drive to the tournament. When I finally arrived the rain subsided and the wind began to howl. As the day moved on the winds stayed steady at 25-3o mph. Since I’ve shot in those conditions before I knew that I shouldn’t fight the pin and just pull through the shot. From my experience I have learned that the arrow will usually end up fairly close to where it should. Well, when the day was done I ended up walking away with another state title. Although I was glad I didn’t feel any sense of accomplishment. I’m still not sure why. It might be because I didn’t think I deserved it or better yet I knew that I hadn’t put anything into it.

Golf has become a wonderful new hobby for me. It’s funny but I can see the same patterns developing that I saw in archery about 20 years ago. Whenever I get a chance I want to hit golf balls. I also do what I can to get better. I want to become proficient at it. Although I know that I will never reach the same level that I did in archery I want to be able to have fun and also score halfway decent. It seems like a lot of fun right now and I enjoy playing with some new friends that I’ve made over the last couple of years. It amazes me how much time can change who we hang out with and where we go from one year to the next.

I went to see my cousin Nick yesterday. Every day that passes is another day that makes me realize that there’s no getting time back. I need to decide what I’m going to do and put it in a time frame to get it done. I’m going to pursue some plans and prices so I have a better idea of what’s ahead and if indeed it is possible. I would really like to have a place to call “home.” I need it for my mental well being. I need it to bring another type of stability into my life. It seems as if nothing has been easy since the carpet was torn out from under my feet a few years ago. It seems as if I’m climbing up a mountain without a summit. I climb every day, but never gain altitude. Sometimes the dense cover blocks my view and I let everything around me suck me into the darkness. It’s hard to see beyond, but I know the beauty of what lies at the top. It’s always a breath of fresh air up there. It’s a feeling of freedom. It’s just the top of a mountain, but it seems like it’s the top of the world. I’m a fighter. Sweat drips from the back of my neck and slowly dribbles down the crease of my spine as I push forward. I’ve realized that the journey isn’t supposed to be easy. If it was easy it wouldn’t be rewarding.

My father worked his ass of for everything he has ever gotten. I watched it with my little brown eyes when I was a child. I saw him give everything he had to me and my siblings as we got older. It seemed as if he worked soley for us. He worked to provide for us and show us and give us things that he never had. It is very much appreciated and I will never forget it. It seems so hard right now because when I look at what’s ahead of me I’m not sure I have what it takes. That’s where I hope I have a small bit of him inside of me. The proposition of the whole thing is just plain scary. I’m not sure if I’m financially secure enough to take on what I might attempt, but as one of my friends recently told me, I will never know if I don’t just do it. I could sit on my ass and never take the chance and watch my life pass by. When my dad built his house he didn’t have a pot to piss in, but somehow he found a way to give us a great life and put a roof over our heads. Back in the day it was considered a big house, but by today’s standards it’s fairly small. He has made a good life for himself. He did it solely through hard work, passion and dedication. I know that I don’t have what he did, but I’m my own person. Each one of us is unique and I’ll surely find my way as I continue down the road. I’m just glad that I have him to hold the light and guide me along. Between my mom and dad  a child could never ask for for. Although I’m just shy of 40 I’m still a child. I know that they’re able to live a little more for themselves now than when they were younger, but I need to find my own way again. I just know it’s time.

I’ve made a lot of progress on my book the past two weeks. I’m definitely pushing forward with a particular goal in mind. Things seem to be easier with the text and picture boxes right now. The more I work in the program the more comfortable I am. I’ll get there eventually.

I’m glad that summer is bearing down on us. I like the energy that it brings to me. I like being outside and taking in everything around me. It feels so good to be alive. I enjoy every breath that I take and I’m thankful that I’ve been able to live a happy and healthy life up to this point. Although I battle a tough disease I could always have it much worse. I try to keep it under control to the best of my ability. My discipline with it has taught me a lot about who I am. I know that I can finish what I start if I put my mind to it. I need to keep that in mind for the coming year.

As I launched a golf ball off the tee this morning I watched it explode on impact and then gently glide through the air. It softly hit in the middle of the fairway and gently rolled a few feet forward. If not anything else, I have power and accuracy of the tee. I might not have any game besides that, but the flight of the ball is what keeps me going. I am that ball. I was launched off the tee a few years back. However, I was sliced into the bushes and left for dead. I was one of those balls that rests quietly in the wooded section that is too deep to penetrate. Instead, a ball is dropped and play continues. I sat in the forest all by myself. I was lost and forgotten. Nobody ever came looking for me, so I just sat there. The rain pelted me throughout the summer and the snow piled high on my back in the winter. Then, out of nowhere, a small boy found me, stuck me in his pocket and brought be back out onto the course to play once again. As he dropped me for his penalty stroke I knew that I was on the right path once again. All of those dreaded nights were behind me. I was alive again. One day led into the next and brought me to today when I was launched off the tee into the middle of the fairway. I’m on my way again. There’s no looking back now. I’ll surely end up in the center of the cup. It might be a par 4, but I’ll get there even if it takes me a snowman to complete the task.

There are starts and stops throughout our lives. I’m tired, but I’m not beaten.  I’m bloodied, but I’m still standing. I have been weak, but it has made me stronger.  I have cried, but I am not sad. I have forgiven, but I have not forgotten. My legs are sore, but I can still walk and I’m walking into a new chapter that I can’t wait to write about a few years from now. Even if things are always want I want them to I have learned how to fake it until I make it if that’s what it takes, but for today I’m perfectly content rolling along the fairway.