Todd Mead's Blog

It was a chilly day today. It kind of signifies my outlook on life right now.  The last week has been filled with unexpected trials and tribulations. I’ve also realized that I can handle life’s tragedies and setbacks. Although I don’t like these things I realize that they play a much more important part in defining my character than the times when I’m filled with abundant happiness and joy do.

When we encounter obstacles in the road we are presented with many different choices. Sometimes we let others make the choice for us. Other times we talk to people in order to help us, although we already know what we’re going to do. Then, in other times we don’t make a choice at all. We continue living day by day pretending that the problems or obstacles that we’ve encountered will disappear on their own. We all know it’s not possible, but inside we hold onto some tiny glimmer of hope that it will happen to us and everything will be ok.

Lately it seems that life has been passing so quickly that I can’t keep track of time. When I look at my watch it’s 5:30 am and it seems like seconds later it’s 11pm.  I wish that I could slow time down, but I can’t. I have to go with the flow and make the most of the limited amount of time that I have on this earth.

During my time here I’ve always told people that I will consider my life a success if (when I’m gone) many people can say that I made a difference in their lives. It might be as simple as a kind word or gesture or even something like helping someone through a rough patch in their life. I don’t try to rescue people and I never will. I had a habit of doing that when I was a little younger. I learned my lesson and decided that I would give help when someone needed it, but I would not try to save them from any predicament they were in. When I did it many years ago it ended horribly for me. A person grew to dislike me and in the end saw me as being critical and demoralizing. It was sad for me to listen to and watch. It made me realize that sometimes we think that we’re helping and we actually make things worse. Now, I try to sit back, offer an opinion if asked and stay far enough way so I don’t make a mess of things. I’ve probably failed a few times, however I know that I’m doing much better than I did all those years ago.

I’ve recently been involved with some instructional training for children and archery. It has been extremely rewarding. There’s nothing better than seeing a child’s face light up when they did something that they didn’t think they could do. In the last few weeks I’ve seen some incredible improvement from all of the kids. All they needed was a little guidance and solid instruction in order to improve. It has been worth every minute of my time to see the smiles on all of their faces. The first week or two were really tough when we were trying to get them to shoot the correct way. A few of the children got frustrated right along with me and my friend Dave.

This week when they all improved their scores from the week before I felt a sense of accomplishment. I recalled all of the hours of practice I used to put in. I was self-taught and spent hours upon hours perfecting my trade. I became very good at what I did. I feel very fortunate to be able to share some of my experience with these children. If they get started on the right foot it will make their experience much more enjoyable.  I hope that one day they’re able to look back on it and take something positive from the few Thursdays that they were able to shoot with me and Dave.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I’m headed out of town first thing in the morning. I haven’t had a day where I’ve been able to get out of town without anything else on my mind in a while. I’m going to go down to my old stomping grounds near where I went to college to tour the countryside. I expect it to be a great day with a good friend. I’m a little nervous about the weather. It’s supposed to rain like crazy tonight. Hopefully the creeks won’t swell over their banks and the caves won’t be filled with water. I guess I’ll have to wait for tomorrow to see what happens. On the other hand the rain will be good for my trip home. I plan on taking the back way and driving through Thacher Park, south of Albany. If we do get the rain the waterfall there will be absolutely magnificent which would be great to see. Viewing an awesome waterfall at the end of the day before I head home sounds pretty good to me.

I’m excited that spring has arrived. We’ve had a few pleasant days, although the cold temperatures are still hanging around. Most of the snow is finally gone. When it started to go it went quickly.

I’m hoping that my smile tomorrow matches some of the smiles on the children at archery on Thursday night. I’ll be in an area that I spent four of the best years of my life, so I’m sure that it will bring back some great memories. When I lay my head on the pillow tonight I will have some of that anticipation and excitement that kids get on Christmas Eve. It’s great to feel nervous excitement again, even if it’s just for a night. Really, what more could I ask for?

Kids Archery Clinic

It has been a very long winter. All of the snow and cold temperatures have taken a toll on me. Today was refreshing as the thermometer climbed to 80 degrees in my car. Even if it wasn’t 80 I’m sure it was in the 70s.

Fall and Spring are my two favorite times of year. They remind me of each other. It’s not too hot and it’s not too cold. I can be outside and enjoy myself without freezing to death or overheating.

I’ve been making steady progress on my second book. I hope to have the writing done by early May. It has taken much longer to write than the first book, but I’ve taken my time. I”m not sure which way I like it better. It seemed like the first book was a little easier because I just sat down and plowed through it. Before I knew it, I was completely finished and didn’t feel like I had done a thing. This time it feels like I’ll never get done. It  seems like I’m writing more and more without saying anything. I guess my readers will be the judge of that.

Although I haven’t been overly busy lately it seems like I have been tied up. I can’t find a reason why time is flying by so fast. Usually my mind is preoccupied with a variety of thoughts, but it’s relatively quiet right now. For all of the things going on around me, my mind feels somewhat flat. I know that I should probably put more thought into certain things, but I don’t have the energy to do it. Instead, I’m finally taking some of the advice I give to everyone else. I’m not worrying about the past and I’m not looking into the future. I’m simply living in the present because the present is a gift. I can’t control was has happened or what will happen. I just have to wake up each day and see what happens.

I know that it’s very hard for some people to understand me and what I do. To be honest it’s hard for me to understand as well. If I knew what I was doing life would be easy. The beauty of life is that we learn as we go. We make mistakes, but we still move forward.  If we don’t learn from our mistakes it’s our own fault and we have nobody to blame except ourselves.

I’ve been watching my little dog Theo  struggle lately. Realistically I know that he doesn’t have much time left on this planet.  Sometimes I wish he could talk, so I could tell him how much he has done for me. He has always loved me unconditionally. If I scold him he always comes back. If I spanked him he still got in bed and laid his head next to mine on the pillow. No matter what I did he was always happy and excited to see me. When I had nobody else to talk to, I talked to him because he couldn’t judge me. He looked at me with his little brown eyes and smiled.  Well, the look on his face made it look like he was smiling. I wished that he was well enough to run around in the yard today and enjoy the nice weather. Instead, he barely made it outside and bumped into things along the way. While he’s not suffering, his quality of life isn’t what it once was. If I had a small bit of magic I would do anything I could to help him. Unfortunately we can’t hold back time and we have to accept the things that happen as time moves forward. There are no favorites in this world. Anyone and everyone can be affected by anything. Good and bad people alike are stricken with horrible diseases that they must fight. It’s hard to make sense out of it at times. Why do good people suffer? I don’t have an answer for that, but I can take a guess. My guess is that those people have the ability to remain optimistic no matter what is thrown at them. They find a way to survive and they motivate all the people around them. They give people like me hope. Without hope we aren’t a damn thing in this world.

I find it amazing how almost daily someone comments on my parents. Everyone tells me how lucky I am like I don’t know it. I do know how lucky I am. They have molded me into the person I’ve become. Without them I wouldn’t have the personality or character that I possess. I do wish that I had more of their good qualities because I know that I can’t come close to comparing to either one of them. It’s funny how kids pick athletes as role models. I’ve always chosen my parents from the time I was little until now. They will always be my role models. If I can be half of what they are, I know that I will have lived a successful life.  Both of them have given more of themselves to me than I can ever repay. They’ve always made me a priority and given up so many things that they probably could have done. In some small way I hope they know that I appreciate all of it. There are very few children who have what I have. I’m truly blessed. They celebrated their 46th anniversary a few weeks ago.  Where does time go? It seems like we threw them their 25th anniversary party just a few years ago. What a great time that was.

Well, I’m not sure what the next few months will bring, but I’m sure that I will continue working toward my goal. One day at a time. I breathe  in and I breathe out. I hope I keep experiencing new things and getting new opportunities to better myself in all areas of my life. If I find that along the way I will be very thankful.

Time got away from me tonight. Before I knew it I was looking at the clock and it said 8:30. Today has been one of the toughest days I’ve had in as long as I can remember. One thing after another has piled on top of me. I feel like I’m buried under layers of dirt. I’m barely breathing, but I also know that it’s only temporary.

For a long time tonight I stared at the flame in the fake fireplace and rocked back in forth in the rocking chair. It was well before daylight when I started. When I finally got up to move it had been dark for at least an hour. I didn’t do anything but stare at the flame. I could feel the heat on my legs. Besides that, I couldn’t feel a thing. My body was limp and I felt lifeless, like a dog without a home.

Throughout my life I’ve been amazed at how people can turn things around that you say and give them a totally different meaning. They give life to a sentence that had no substance behind it. The person doesn’t even try to comprehend what you’re saying. Instead they turn the words around to fit into something that makes sense in their world or something they think is going on. It’s really sad because then you end up trying to defend everything you’ve said. Once it starts it’s an endless cycle that causes all sorts of confusion, chaos, hurt, anger and distrust.  There’s no sense in taking everything that is said so literally that it’s almost impossible to speak about anything.

A few times during the last week I’ve felt like cutting my tongue off just so I couldn’t speak and wouldn’t have to speak. Anybody that knows me well knows that I’ve always been extremely shy and quiet by nature. I don’t require any attention and I don’t seek it either. Instead, I would rather sit around, mind my own business and do my own thing.  Many people take it as being arrogant or cocky. I like to consider myself a thinker who prefers to be alone.

I’ve received advice from everyone under the sun lately. It’s starting to weigh on me. I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions, standing behind them and following through. Yes, I’ve made a few bad choices along the way, but I don’t regret anything I’ve done. We all learn from anything that we do. If we don’t learn then we will probably repeat many mistakes, which over time will take their toll on us.

I’m glad that spring is almost here. Every year spring brings new life with it. Things turn green and new life is visible all around us. It’s a refreshing feeling after dealing with a few months of winter. During the winter we sometimes get depressed. We let the weather bring us down even further.

I have a great feeling for this spring. Something inside me tells me that something good is going to happen to me. I’m not even sure where it will appear or why. It could be something as small as a phone call from a long lost friend from elementary school or it could be as large as winning a 150 million dollar jackpot in the lottery. I’m not sure what the good thing will be, but I’m almost certain it’s waiting for me. It’s waiting for the perfect time to alight upon me and quietly tell me that it has arrived.

Sometimes the smallest things bring us joy. We don’t need much to keep us happy. However, it only takes a few bad moments to bring us down and keep us there. It can be easy to lay under a log and hide from the world. We have to remember that new things await us no matter where we’re going.

Every day is a new day. We should wake up and get ready for a new adventure.  I didn’t know what to expect today. I wasn’t in the best of moods when I got up. I was somewhat startled when I almost wrecked my vehicle by hitting a deer. When I swerved to miss the deer I knew that a little bit of luck had just passed through me. I was thankful for that.

As with any day there were ups and downs, but here I am at the end of it. There weren’t any major catastrophes and I’m ready for a new start tomorrow. What I didn’t find today, I might very well find tomorrow. I try not to get too high or too low. The highs and lows usually even themselves out and in the middle you find a lot of quiet time to reflect.

I used to be very scared of taking any chances. I’m still not a big risk taker, but I will take a few risks now if I think it might improve some areas in my life. As spring rolls in over the next few weeks I encourage you to recognize a few of the things that come to life with the warmer weather. As you watch the process unfold remember that your life follows the same path. You can stay in the dark, cold and gray days of winter or you can walk into the woods and create a path for yourself. If you worry about struggling you will paralyze yourself into believing that you can’t get to where you want to go. If you use the help of others and decide that it’s ok to walk on the unworn path you might just see all sorts of incredible new things come to life around you. Green is good. Green symbolizes hope, so if we take a chance and leave the old behind we might just find new life in our hope. Best of luck on your journey. Maybe I’ll see you on the path in the forest because I always have hope.

I haven’t written in my blog in almost a month. A few people have asked why and to be completely honest I don’t have a good answer. I haven’t really had the time, but somehow that answer doesn’t seem very satisfying. It seems like I’ve been writing more than I ever have the last few months. Unfortunately, it also feels like I haven’t accomplished much.

I’m making steady progress on my book. That’s all I did today. It felt good when I called it a day and looked back at what I had accomplished. If I get a few more of those days behind me I’ll be in good shape. I’m not sure what to expect. I usually read everything that I write a few times, but I haven’t read any of what I’ve written yet. I think I’ll just wait until I’m finished and start from there. I’m hoping to be surprised.

The last month has been a whirlwind of sorts. I’ve experienced every type of feeling that a person can have. I’ve been on top of the world as well as in the bottom of the barrel. I’ve lost a few people and I’ve had some friends lose loved ones as well. Although it’s a fact of life that we can’t avoid, it doesn’t lessen the pain any.

I’ve also been caught in a few situations where I didn’t know what to do. The only thing I could do is sit back and listen. Sometimes when I don’t know what to say I try to listen because that’s all people need at times. I’ve always been the type of person that thinks I can save the world. I think that I have some super-human power that allows me to help everyone. I’m not sure how I ever came to feel that way, but in the last month I’ve realized that I can’t really help or save anyone. If anyone wants to do something they have to take it upon themselves to open new doors, leave things behind and go forward with an optimistic view on life and no fear of failing.

I recently spoke with one of my friends after they went to therapy. They were telling me about some of the questions that they had to answer for the therapist. It’s amazing how much we can learn from the way other people answer questions. It’s even more amazing to realize how far apart our lives can be from someone else close to us when we don’t even realize it or choose not to acknowledge it. I’m a firm believer that people have to have the same types of things in their minds as to what will make their lives successful.

It’s amazing how some people don’t have a clue what they want to do or where they want to go in life. I’ve always had goals of some sort or another. I’m determined to reach my goals and I will do whatever it takes that is necessary to achieve them. It sounds so simple, but it’s so difficult for the vast majority of people to do. Instead, people want to lounge around, do nothing and watch time waste away. I see it much more in the younger generation, even though it does exist a little in mine as well. The early to mid 20s generation seems to think that everything should be handed to them. They don’t have much drive to succeed and many of them are extremely selfish. Of course, I’m only basing my opinions on the people that I encounter on a daily basis, so it’s probably not a fair assumption to classify all of the generation into one.

I’ve listened to a lot of people talk over the last month. I always enjoy listening to people talk. It’s probably because I can remain quiet and not say a word. The less I say the more likely it is that I won’t say anything that will piss someone off.

Sometimes I would like to voice my opinion, but I just let it ride and don’t say a single word. The thoughts race through my head like the ball in a pinball machine. I can’t slow them down and probably wouldn’t if I could. I’ve noticed that a lot of people have a hard time moving forward because they feel sorry for someone. The “someone” might be their friend, lover or spouse. They might even feel sorry for themselves which creates even more problems.

In many of the conversations I’ve had recently I’ve heard the same thing over and over. The real issues are covered up by making excuses for other people or trying to protect other people. No matter what age you are you become responsible for your own actions when you are an adult. You can’t continue going through life pointing fingers at other people. It’s not longer your parents fault, your ex-lover’s fault, the fault of your upbringing or whatever other excuse you find to fall back on. It’s your fault. Own up to your shortcomings and do something about it.

If people continue to make excuses for the actions of people around them they get sucked into feeling sorry for the person. They can’t move along in pursuit of happiness because that person has cast a spell over them which doesn’t allow them to feel for themselves. Instead, they worry too much about the other person. They don’t want to hurt the person. They’re afraid the person won’t be ok alone. They make excuses that they don’t have any friends for family that will be their for them. The excuses pile up and underneath them the protection remains, simply because someone feels sorry for someone else who can’t take care of their own well-being.

Before long the person doing the protecting loses their own identity. They get lost on their journey through life. They might come across some of the most amazing things in the world, but they won’t open up and let these things become a part of them. Instead, they worry about the helpless, the people without any direction. They think they can save them. They hold onto hope that they’ll become somebody they’re not. I think it would be much easier to associate with people like myself. People that I know that I gel with and people that bring out the best in me as I bring out the best in them.

It’s very hard to give advice in situations like this. The topic of love has come up many times in some recent conversations I’ve had. A person told me they had never loved anyone as much as they love the person they’re with, which I understood. However, the person also knows that the other person is not good for them at all. There have been all sorts of issues that are beyond imaginable. Things have been done that can’t be taken back or repaired. Sometimes you have to accept that you made a mistake, say thank you for the time you gave me and move on in pursuit of what makes your life more satisfying and gratifying. It seems so easy, but it’s so hard for people to do.

After I thought about the love conversation I began to realize that the examples given to me and everything that has happened in the relationship is not true love. It’s probably more like deep feelings, but not real love. Real love is not harmful, painful and hurtful. When you experience love to its fullest you don’t degrade the people you’re with and argue over simple things. Instead, you find a way to work toward solutions that will better your relationship. You support each other and motivate each other to succeed. If you’re with someone without any self motivation it makes these things impossible. There’s no possible way that one hand can wash the other, because one person simply can’t get off their own hands. You’re in two drastically different places on a mental level. It’s obvious when two people don’t have the same mental capacities. It usually leads to a lot of arguing, name-calling and someone feeling like they have to control the situation.

I wish that I had thought of those things when I was in the middle of the conversation. Rather, I sat there quietly and listened. I told the person that I understood and didn’t have a whole lot to offer.  One day when I was aimlessly driving around I thought about it and understood that this person has a false perception about the love that they’re feeling. I can’t imagine how this person would feel if they had someone who gave them the same things in return. If they think they have never loved like they do now, they would probably be on cloud 9 when they found the real meaning of a mutual and caring relationship where their partner’s main purpose was to support them and help them succeed while they did the same in return.

I could probably go on and on tonight because I’m on a roll. I guess it just riled me up a little after I really thought about it. It’s too bad I didn’t come up with anything insightful to say at the time. Once the time goes past we can’t get it back, which is why I’m writing about it tonight. I hope the person figures it out on their own that they deserve so much more than what they currently have. They deserve to be surrounded by a person who has the same goals in life and someone who can motivate and support them.

I need to start writing more on here. I’m not sure if I’ll find the time, but I will try my best. Keep moving forward. If you gotten a little off track and fallen in quicksand don’t be too proud to grab the rope that is thrown to you. We all make mistakes.  The people that learn, grow and succeed are the ones that realize they’re sinking and find a way to get back on solid ground. Yes, people might get hurt. People might get angry. You will never make everyone around you happy. There will always be at least one person, maybe more, who will be ticked off, but in the end it’s your life. Why would you stay on a path that is loaded with quicksand that is waiting to engulf you. Wouldn’t it be much easier to walk hand in hand on solid ground with someone who you can connect to on all levels? You be the judge!

I have a book of positive quotations that my mother gave to me a few years ago. For every day of the year there is a quote followed by some insight as to what you should take from it.  I read them every day and try to think about what they bring to my life or what I can learn from them.

Today’s quote is “A goal without a plan is just a wish.” After I read it I began to think about it. I tossed ideas back and forth until I finally looked the lion in the eye and entertained the thought. The more I thought about it the more I realized that it was true. I thought about the many goals I’ve had in life. Many of them were goals, but they were wishes because I didn’t really have a plan.

When I analyzed all of the goals that I’ve accomplished it was very easy for me to see that for each and every one of those goals I had created a plan and followed through until the end. About 10 years ago I wanted to write a book. I jotted some things down. I organized thoughts in my head and loosely laid out a plan. That was as far as that goal ever went.

Years later I was motivated and I created a true plan to reach my goal. I constructed my outline, set deadlines for parts of the project, purchased the things I needed to purchase and sought help in areas where I was inexperienced. As things progressed I knew that I would finish as long as I stuck to the plan. Some parts of the plan came together easily and other parts were a bear. The end result was extremely gratifying and somewhat humbling. I still don’t feel like I did anything special and I’m not sure that I ever will. A lot of people think that my accomplishment is a big deal. I haven’t had that type of feeling. I’m proud and all, but I feel like anyone could do it if they put their mind to it. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s how I feel.

I remember the thousands of arrows I shot when I was making my climb to the top in the archery world. I came up with a plan and stuck to it. I created a bunch of small steps to get better. I stood on each step until I had it mastered. Then, I climbed to the next step. The steps on the archery mountain seemed like they took forever to climb. A few times I lost my way but I stuck to the plan. Eventually I reached my goal and was able to compete at the highest level in national events where I was able to achieve success. My goal was reached through a lot of hard work. I got there because I had a plan from day one.

I’ve recently set a few new goals. I also have plans for these things. I’m making steady progress with one of my plans while the other one is on hold right now. The only reason it’s on hold is that I promised myself to see the first plan through before I jumped headfirst into the next one. If my health allows me to I know that I will achieve both of the goals that I have set.

I set my goals in order to keep moving forward. I don’t want to live a stagnant life where I’m “satisified.” I have an underlying desire to achieve better things. I don’t want to stop learning or moving forward. I want to keep my brain working and I want to keep myself motivated to do things that I didn’t think were possible.

A lot of people base their lives on material possessions. I do not base mine on anything material. I base my life on my mental well-being. If I am satisfied mentally I can live in a cardboard box without a mode of transportation and still be happy. I don’t need an elegant house, a fancy car or the best clothes to be satisfied. I try to surround myself with people who are similar to me in that respect. People who are mentally happy will have successful lives in the areas that matter the most. They will be fulfilled rather than seek fulfillment.

People who base their happiness on material gains are almost always unhappy with their day to day lives. They try to buy happiness with money. They seek acceptance by having things that portray themselves as being better than other people. While I like to have nice things I don’t feel that I need them to be considered successful. When they say that money is the root of all evil I firmly believe that.

I chase dreams just like the next person. I try to make my dreams realistic and simple. It only sets me up for failure if I chase dreams that have no chance of becoming a reality. When I choose to do something I usually give it everything that I have. I will not give up until I achieve my goal or I realize that there’s no way of getting where I want to go. Winners never quit and quitters never win. I’ve never quit in my life and there will never be a first time. If I go after something it’s because I believe that I can accomplish the task or make the dream a reality.

I have a few goals right now and a few dreams. I’m not sure if they might be one and the same. A long time ago I didn’t believe I would ever be blessed with an opportunity to chase a dream and achieve a goal at the same time. Something in my gut tells me that I might get the chance sometime in the future. It won’t be right away, but I think it’s a real possibility that the opportunity might present itself. If it does I will be ready to jump on the magic carpet and let it take me where I need to go. After all, when these things happen you have to be ready to take advantage before they pass by in the blink of an eye. It’s our job to recognize a potential opportunity, prepare ourselves mentally and jump on the chance when it appears.

At that point the ride will be worth the wait. All the struggles will slowly dissipate behind you and new doors will open in front of you. Being ready is the key. As the great John Wooden said, “Failing to prepare is preparing to fail.” I’m mentally prepared to chase my dreams.  I’ll leave you with another one of my favorite quotes which I will keep close to me  during my journey: “If you’re going after Moby Dick you might just as well bring the tartar sauce.”

I will be prepared and I will make sure of it. That is the only way that I can ensure that I will get the things that I want the most when the timing is right.

The sun set about an hour ago. The wind is howling and the temperatures have stayed in the low teens most of the day. The winter has gotten progressively worse since the first week of the year. It seems like we can’t get through a week without having to deal with some type of nuisance storm.

The last few weeks I have experienced things that I never imagined. Some of the things are good and others are bad. It intrigues me that the bad and good seem to equal each other out over time. I guess that’s what gives us balance in our lives. We need the bad times to appreciate the good ones.

I’ve spent a lot of time listening and talking lately. I’ve learned a great deal about myself as well as others. I’ve been immersed in conversations about everything from insignificant events to life-changing experiences. Amazingly I’ve been able to stay level both mentally and physically.

A few topics have come up that I wanted to address. I’m not sure why, but the topic centered around pride has surfaced many times in the last couple of months and once again today.

I spent a few hours this morning with a good friend of mine at his book signing. Unfortunately nobody showed up which was probably due to the fact that it was the second signing within a week. I’ve experienced the same thing. You never know what to expect when you’re having a book signing so you go with no expectations. That way if one person shows up it’s a success. Although we sometimes weigh our success by the people that show up there are often times that a successful day has many little things that made it that way.

Sometimes we have to give our friends an ear. We have to listen and give feedback at the same time. We have to let them know that we understand where they’re at. We have to give our advice and insight if we have anything that can compare to what they’re talking about so they know that they’re not alone. That’s why we call these people good friends. We know that they will be there for us when we need them. They don’t have to tell us, we just know.

When I wrote my book I knew how proud my parents and siblings were. I also knew how proud some of my friends were. It was a wonderful feeling. Through my growing years my parents always praised me for the things I did, whether it was hitting a home run in a baseball game or getting an A on a test. I knew they were proud and it filled me with confidence.

As I got older and settled into my adult life I kind of lost that type of feeling. I traveled all over the country shooting archery. I made friends from far and wide. I was lucky enough to win regional and state titles while getting national recognition. I was having fun doing it, but I was doing it all by myself. The only support I had was from my parents and immediate friends. I never received the support from the person that I needed it the most. It left me empty. I became self-conscious and lost a lot of my confidence. I felt like the things I did didn’t really matter. It made me question who I was as a person. I always thought I was a good guy and people told me that I was, but many days I really wondered if it was true. I tried to remain positive and stay focused. I pushed harder and harder, but the more I pushed the further the distance seemed to open up. Eventually I realized that I was all alone.

Since those days I’ve realized that there are many people who encounter the same type of thing. They all deal with it differently. I immersed myself into certain hobbies where I could mask what was going on and hide the loneliness that I felt. I accepted it and figured that’s just the way it was supposed to be. I always wanted someone by my side to pat me on the back when I was in the dumps after a bad performance. I wanted someone to make it all go away or make me forget about it by giving me attention and showing their support in other ways. I also wanted someone to share in the success that I was having. There’s nothing better than to listen to someone say good things about you. There’s nobody that doesn’t like that.

I’ve accomplished a lot in my life since that time. I’ve done things that I never imagined and I’m working on more things that I’m proud of. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever have what I always wanted. While I love my parents’ support I would also like it to come from somebody else. I want somebody to share all of the highs. People always comment about the things that I do and how “cool” it sounds. I go to book fairs and author nights throughout the region. I work at outdoor shows and participate in large archery events. I do all of these things alone.

Last summer I had to go to an author’s day at the Adirondack Reader in Inlet, NY. I headed out first thing in the morning by myself. I enjoy my own company so it wasn’t that big of a deal. It was a rainy, miserable day so I took my time getting there. There was a free lunch waiting for all of the authors and their wives or dates when they arrived. Being diabetic I brought my own lunch just to make sure I would be eating something that I liked. I wasn’t overly lonely on the ride there. I enjoyed the scenery and I entertained some of the thoughts that entered my mind.

When I got there I found the place that I was assigned to sit. I sat down, took my books out and got ready for the afternoon. I met a few nice people as I always do. When I glanced around I noticed that almost every author had a significant other with them. Some of these people went shopping in the small town of Inlet while the book fair took place. Others stayed and showed their support. Since there is a lot of down time it’s always nice to have someone to talk to just to help the time pass more quickly.

When I was done I packed up and headed home. That’s when it hit me. I was alone……….all alone. I briefly thought about how nice it would be to have someone with me on these excursions. We could stop for a picnic lunch. We could stop at an old rustic store on the way home. We could take the long way home just to see some breathtaking scenery. Then, I thought that maybe I was meant to do all of this stuff by myself. After all I do have some hobbies that would require a lot of patience from another person. Maybe it’s just the hobbies I have that are hard to support. I thought about if for a bit, but then I realized that my hobbies are what creates my character. You can’t change for other people. You can compromise, but you can’t quit doing the things you do because those are the things that clear your mind and give you internal peace.

It amazes me how many people can’t give the support that is needed. I would always want the person to know that my success was directly related to their support. When you have a partner who shows their support and helps you along the way you both succeed. When you both succeed it gives you a high that you can ride for a very long time.  I see it with a lot of my friends and my family  members so I know that it does exist.

I have a few author fairs scheduled for this coming summer. As always I will probably attend them alone. I can’t help but think how much fun it would be to have someone accompany me who could show their support and enjoy the entire process with me just because they were proud of me. I like to imagine it and visualize it because it seems like it would be one of the most uplifting experiences that a person could ever have.

Pride and optimism go hand in hand. Optimistic people seem to find their way through life a little better than pessimistic people. They make plans, have goals and try their hardest to succeed. They bring out the best in others, too. They might fail, but at least they’ll fail while trying. They won’t look at something and say “I can’t do that.”

I have to do a show next weekend. I’ll be there with my dad who is probably more proud of me than anyone could be. He has always been optimistic which in turn has led to his successful life.  My mother has always been proud of him just as he has been of her. They both show their support which has led to an awesome relationship and three well rounded children who are now adults. It’s unfortunate that this type of thing is so rare.

After everything I’ve experienced in life so far I’m pretty sure that there are very few people who can gel, give and take and compromise. It all starts with a mutual respect and the desire to see your partner succeed.  Although it does exist it’s a shame that so few people get to feel this type of pride and support.

It reminds me of chasing a rainbow. We all see rainbows throughout the summer, but how many of us ever have the courage to chase one with the hope of finding the gold pot at the end? Although it has been said that the gold pot is a myth I firmly believe that one exists. It’s our job to leave the dull, gray days behind us,  notice the rainbow when it appears and convince ourselves that the gold pot is waiting for us if we’re willing to go after it. Fear will hold many people back. The ones that aren’t held back will surely be thankful that they took the chance to step forward and follow their dreams. The gold pot is filled with support and pride if you can find it…………….or if it finds you. Don’t be afraid to gently pick it up, nurture it and start a new life.

I’ve been on a roller coaster ride of emotions for the last few months. I’ve learned a lot about myself and others during this time. I’ve also come to understand how differently certain people can react to the same or similar situations. It just goes to show you that no two people are the same. That’s the beauty of life.

I had a long talk with one of my close friends tonight. I don’t think a topic was missed in the conversation. It started quickly and gained speed as it continued on. There were happy faces, sad faces, confused faces, laughter, blank stares and tears. It wasn’t an easy conversation, but it wasn’t uncomfortable either.

I’ve learned over the years that conversation can be as easy or as difficult as the person you’re conversing with. Some people make talking easy and free flowing. They make you feel comfortable from the start and you do the same for them. Other people make conversing a much larger challenge. It can feel like you’re trying to pull a tooth just to get the person to say something. Then, it can be all but impossible to disagree because feelings are hurt and it ends up in a blame game. Good conversation with honesty is very hard to find. I feel very fortunate to have found that with a few people lately.

I’ve been trying to help a few of my friends lately. Both of these people are facing very similar challenges in their day to day lives. I’ve always been good at giving advice, but I rarely listen to it myself. My actions aren’t always on par with my advice.

People have always told me that they think that I have a tremendous amount of inner strength. A few days after my ex-wife decided she wanted to get divorced we sat down in the living room to have a civil conversation which was one of the last ones I ever had with her. I was reeling with pain. I felt like a total failure in all aspects of my life, but I stored something that she said in the back of my mind. She looked at me and said, “I know you’ll be fine. You’re really strong and you can handle anything.”

For months and months I laid in bed without an ounce of ambition. I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide on the world. I didn’t want people to see me suffering because I finally lost my image of being strong. Now, I looked and felt completely vulnerable. I was vulnerable. I almost think that I had convinced myself that I was strong. Heck, I had practiced meditation, Tai-chi and studied many of the Buddhist beliefs.

Then, those months of hell came. I was lost on an island in the middle of nowhere. Although I had all sorts of people to turn to I was as weak as a mortally wounded soldier. I didn’t know where to turn. I didn’t know who to ask for help. I didn’t even want to look at myself in the mirror because I felt so horrible.

Before long one day led into the next and the days started piling up behind me. After all of the court battles finished and I got the final paperwork I began my new life. Not until that time did I realize how strong I must have been to make it through the trials and tribulations that I faced. The strength that I thought I didn’t have led me to a really good place. Although I didn’t know that I had the strength others told me I did. I didn’t think I would make it out the other side, but they all knew I would come through. It would be tough, but I would make it. I was amazed that they were all right in their assumption. I did have the strength even if I didn’t know it at the time.

At that time I found a quote that I’ve held close ever since. It reads something like this, “When one door closes another one opens. It might be hell in the hallway until you get to the other side, but don’t stare too long at the closed door that you miss the one that has been opened for you.”

So many people think they have no strength. They actually have the strength, but they let fear rob them of their strength. It’s the fear of the unknown that sometimes causes the paralysis. We get into a comfort zone and we’re too afraid of change that we plod along and accept things as they are. Instead of trying to better ourselves we stay with the routine. Before long the routine leads from one day, to one month to one year to a decade. People become “satisfied” with their lives even if they’re not truly happy.

We are soley responsible for our own happiness. If we are unhappy it is up to us to do something to change things. Our decisions will never be popular with everyone. We can’t live in fear of what others might think or how others may be affected by our decisions. While we have to keep our loved ones in our thoughts we also have to make decisions for ourselves. We can’t get into a pattern where we’re making our decisions based on what we hope the other person will do. When we become adults our personalities and behavioral systems are already formed. When we are adults we can’t continue blaming someone else for our problems. There comes a time when we have to stand up and be accountable for our actions. Many adults never find this ability. It can lead to poor relationships, poor behavior and a lot of anger. The anger comes because they want to blame someone else for the way they are. They might blame a spouse, a parent, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a coach, a teacher or even their pet. No matter who they blame the pattern will continue.  They very rarely blame themselves. They degrade people, call them names and turn things around so it looks like something or someone is the cause of their outbursts. As these things repeat so do the “I’m sorry” speeches after the fact. It could be within minutes or it might be the next day. It always comes following the storm.

Some people live with a lot of guilt. Some of the guilt is probably deserved while much of it probably isn’t. Guilt is a fine edged sword. If you have a loving heart and are truly concerned about others you will most likely experience guilt if you do something that can hurt someone close to you. That’s only natural. However, you must think about the reality behind the situation. When you’re feeling guilty for doing something to better your life is that guilt deserved? You might not have done it the right way, but you are testing the waters to see if you can improve your life and bring things into it that you know you need to fulfill your life. Then, as we’re beating ourselves down we forget amidst the noise and confusion that we might really finally be on a path to something much better and more rewarding for us.  Should you feel guilty at that point? At the point where you found out the hard way that there is more out there for you. There are things that can fill you full of joy and bring great happiness into your life. Should you feel guilty because you’re trying to better yourself and your life?

As the guilt builds there’s nothing you can do to stop it, but the fire still burns on the other end of the candle. The guilt usually hangs on because your heart is so tender and caring. You might have done the wrong thing, but at the same time did the other person feel guilty when they spewed off at the mouth. Did they feel guilty when they put you down? Did they feel guilty when they called you vulgar names? Did they feel guilty when they yelled at you for doing things for your kids? Did they feel guilty when they grabbed you by the arm? The answer is almost always no. The other person might have felt guilty for being an ass, but not for crushing your heart and demoralizing you  with threats. Yes, these threats seem harmless, but they were said with a reason. Although they’re harmless they’re said to hurt and gain control of a situation where they have no control. It’s a very thin line that this type of person walks on.

I’ve probably ranted long enough. I guess I’m just worried about my two friends. They both deserve better than what they’ve experienced in life so far. They both deserve to be happy. If someone lights your candle don’t snuff it out because of the guilt that you feel. Hold your finger close to the light and feel the heat. If you have a long enough nail you might even be able to see a star appear in the flame. If that happens wish upon the star and never forget that you are someone’s star no matter where you are. Be proud of yourself and your ability to realize that you’re just trying to better your own life. You can only take care of someone else so long before it becomes time to take care of yourself. Don’t lose your own identity while you’re trying to help someone else find theirs.

I went to bed late last night. My mind was full of thoughts that wouldn’t stop dancing through my head. No matter what I did I couldn’t push them aside. Eventually I fell asleep and slept like a log. When I rolled out of bed I felt rested for the first time in a long time.

I worked for a few hours in the morning and spent the rest of the day on the road. I drove and drove some more. As I circled Lake George my mind was preoccupied. The mountains were absolutely beautiful and the lake which was dotted with people fishing was even more spectacular. The sun shone brightly and the sky was completely blue. As the day headed towards evening I knew that the time to rest my head on the pillow was only a short time away.

A few days ago I spoke to one of my friends about the night hours. She’s going through a rough patch and no matter what the day brings the night is an animal all its own. When the night arrives our minds slow down. We aren’t active with a lot of things going on around us. When our head hits the pillow we are there all by ourselves. Even if someone is sharing the bed next to us we are alone with our thoughts.

When times are tough the mind runs at a frantic pace. No matter what we do we can’t escape. It’s a time when we become overwhelmed. If we’re alone we sometimes feel tears roll down our face and find a home on the pillow underneath us. If we’re sharing the bed with someone we usually roll over, get in the fetal position and think all sorts of thoughts and all we truly want is to be alone.

At night there is no comfort. We are all alone. The people that comfort us throughout the daylight hours are nowhere to be found. We have to fight the battle on our own so we lay there and think some more. Before we know it one hour leads into the next and we know that the chance of getting any amount of substantial sleep is all but a wish. The body is tired, but the mind won’t rest. It wants to find peace and tranquility but one thought opens up so many others that must be addressed. Finally we become lost in our own thoughts, our eyes become heavy and we fall asleep. Within a couple hours we wake up and the cycle starts over.

Why do nights have to be like this when we’re struggling? We allow it to happen. Instead of finding quiet time for ourselves throughout the day we keep busy so we can avoid those thoughts that we don’t want to face. By the time nightfall comes around the thoughts are building into a mountain inside of our skulls. Then, there’s no escaping them. We begin to fear the night hours. We don’t want bedtime to come so we stay busy as long as we can.

Many years ago I took meditation classes. I gained a lot from them. I learned that the ability to center the mind controls a lot of other things within the body. When meditating we let thoughts come and go. If a thought jumps into our heads we should acknowledge it, but not address it. Once we engage it we’re all done. At that point we begin to analyze and think. We should let the thoughts come and go to practice the art of letting things come and go freely in our mind.  Some people can get to the point where nothing enters the mind at all. Their minds are in complete peace. At that point they have a quiet mind. Great things can be accomplished when a person is able to quiet their mind on a daily basis.  When you find internal peace, happiness usually isn’t far behind.

I talked with a friend today about hurting others. Many times we make decisions in our lives that hurt us and others. Sometimes we’re put in a position where we know that no matter what we do we’re going to hurt multiple people. It paralyzes many people and leaves them walking along a tightrope. They don’t dare do anything because the fear has overtaken them. They become so afraid of hurting someone that they forget about themselves. They forget that they are ultimately responsible for their own happiness. As time starts passing more quickly they become so lost while thinking about others that they forget about themselves.

There are no decisicions that are easy, especially life altering ones. When we make life altering decisions we’re usually afraid beyond belief. We don’t know what the future holds and all we can think about is failing. Instead of realizing that each decision creates a new opportunity in life we sometimes think that our decision might end up putting us in a worse place. That’s when we begin to over-think things and over-analyze things.

When we get into that pattern it’s very hard to move forward. We get in a rut where fear controls our lives. We don’t have the ability to do things that we should because we don’t trust ourselves. Instead, we keep plodding along and try to figure something out. We want something to drop out of the air and take control, but it never does.

Sometimes we question if we’re doing the right or wrong thing. Nobody really knows that except the person making the decisions and even then it’s a gray area. I would like to better my life in all areas. I leave my options open and I address every situation differently. If I come across something that I think can make my life better I give it my undivided attention. If I found a million bucks on the sidewalk I wouldn’t walk past it. I would try to find the rightful owner, but I wouldn’t ignore it. The same holds true for things that we encounter in our lives. When something presents itself in front of us we should acknowledge it and weigh the options. If I come across something that might make my life better I will give it a whirl. Although I never minded shoveling snow it would have made by life better if I got a snow-blower. That is the type of thing I’m talking about and it exists in all parts of our lives, from moving on in relationships to changing jobs. We have to do what is best for us and our future. That’s why it’s so important to look at the big picture instead of through a small window.

If someone can help you on your journey take their hand and let them lead you. We can’t always do things for ourselves. We have to know when to leap and when to stay put. There’s a very fine line there, but it’s one of those things you can just feel. I’ve ridden on my parents’ backs many times in my life. If someone offers their back, whether it’s your parents, siblings or friends, don’t live in fear. Jump on their back and let them carry you as long as it’s someone that you would do the same for in return.

The last few weeks have been tough for me. I’ve kept a low profile and I’ve been extremely quiet. I’m trying to address all of the thoughts that are racing through my head. I’m trying to determine whose back I should jump on. I would like some direction but I don’t know where to find it. I’m a little lost on my journey right now. I’m lost, but I know exactly where I want to go. That is the most difficult part. It’s like walking a trail through the woods. There’s a beautiful lake at the other end that is totally peaceful. I can see it and I can imagine it, but it seems so unlikely or impossible to get there right now. The lake is calm and the sun sparkles brightly off from the water. There are some huge blown-over trees on the trail. I know I want to go to the lake, but the blow-downs are getting in the way and slowing me down. I’m going to try to cut a few of them out with a saw and slowly continue on my way. I’m sure there will be many more things I will have to clear out of the trail, but I am absolutely positive about the place where I want to end up.

Never stop hoping and never stop dreaming. For now I have to be a dreamer while I plod along. One foot in front of the other while I breathe in and breathe out. I’ll keep hoping and dreaming because that’s all I have right now, that’s really all I have. I hope I get there.

Well, here we are in the new year. What’s the old saying? Out with the old, in with the new? I think it’s something like that. The new year usually brings about a lot of hope for many people. Within a few weeks that usually fades and people find a way to get back into their same old routine.

The last couple of weeks have been mind boggling for me. I haven’t slept very much. I’ve been staring at the ceiling quite a bit and asking for answers. I’m not sure whether I’m asking the ceiling, myself or a higher power. No matter what I’m doing I know it’s something I have to figure out on my own. After all, we are all responsible f or making our own decisions and standing by them as time moves forward.

I’ve decided to write another book. I know that it will take a lot of time and dedication to complete the project. Unlike many others, I will finish the project that I have started. I’m sure it won’t be easy and at times it won’t be fun, but the finished product will be worth the effort. In some small way the support from friends and family along the way make the journey that much sweeter.

Last Thursday I had to go to my buddy’s house in Saratoga. Many years ago he called me for archery lessons. I had a business card in a few different places and he picked one up and gave me a call. I was more than willing to help him because I could tell that he truly wanted to learn how to shoot better. After a brief discussion I learned that we had both graduated from the same college, but more than a decade apart. He was much younger than me.

I started helping him and he quickly caught on. He was a very good student and I enjoyed helping him. That incident was about 10 years ago. Since then we have become very close friends. When I was in the bottom of the barrel he had the ability to make me laugh no matter what I was feeling at the time. I really believe that everyone needs a friend like that.

Anyhow, back to my trip to his house. I have known for a while that he and his wife have been trying to have a child without much success. They’ve experienced some highs and lows in the process, but right now things seem to be at a stand-still where a little negativity might be creeping in.

I can feel the pain, but in a very different way. I always wanted my own children, but I chose not to have them because I just didn’t feel that it was the right thing to do at the time. I can’t say whether I’m glad or sad that I made that decision. I do know that I have missed out on one of the greatest things in life, which is giving love to a child that love created. I mean really…………..does it get any better than that? I’m sure you all have answers to that question and some of the answers might not be positive, but I like to think that it would have been awesome.

My friend and his wife are two really good people. On top of being good people they are a great couple. There’s not many couples that deserve to have a child as much as they do. I pray for them every night that it will happen when the timing is perfect.

The whole ordeal brings up a question for you to think about. It’s very easy to see that death has no favorites. When it’s your time it’s your time. Cancer doesn’t just happen to bad people. It happens to ALL types of people.  Sometimes life doesn’t seem fair and in all reality it’s not fair. I’ve watched my mom struggle from day to day for the better part of 20 years. She’s the greatest woman in the world with the largest, loving heart that anyone could ever imagine. Why does she have to suffer? It might be because she has the ability to overcome where so many others do not. So many others just want to quit the fight and give up. Quitters never win and winners never quit.

I also don’t understand why people that can’t bring a child up in a loving environment are able to have multiple children, yet my friend and his wife are having an extremely hard time and they would be some of the most loving parents in the world. I used to wreck my brain trying to figure out why these things happen. Over time I’ve steered away from it because it can bring you down if you let it in for too long.

I’ve thought a lot about their situation. Something inside me tells me that they will be able to have their own child. I’m not sure where the feeling comes from, but I feel very confident that I’m right.

However, if they’re not able to produce a child on their own there must be some underlying reason because you always hear that everything happens for a reason, even if you don’t know the reason at the time. Of course I always search for the reason for everything. That’s why people say that I’m an over-thinker.

When I was thinking about this subject last night while I was staring at the ceiling I came up with one possibility. My friends are some of the most wonderful and caring people on the planet. As I said before, many people that shouldn’t have kids do and they are lost in an uncaring, unloving environment. I thought to myself that just maybe the two of them are supposed to help someone see how great life can be if you are loved. Many of these kids that I write about end up in foster homes or elsewhere. There are thousands of children waiting to be adopted. Although it’s nowhere near the same as producing your own child on an emotional level, the love you can give to a child can be the same. I have a few friends that were adopted as children. They have wonderful parents and these friends are thankful for their parents. It’s almost amazing for me to watch from a distance. If I’m wrong about my buddy and his wife being able to have a child I hope they keep this option open, just because of what they could give to a child.

No, life is not fair. Sometimes it makes me angry and other times it makes me sad or happy. You never know what might happen from day to day. Every day is a chance for you to start on a new adventure. You’re in total control of what you do with your own life. You might not be able to control some of the finer details, but you can control how you react to certain situations.

I’ve had many things happen to me in my life that I will never understand. It all started when I was quarantined in a hospital room when I was 6 years old. I had to wave at my family outside from my third room window. I was only little, but I went along with it because I didn’t have a choice. Then, I found out I was diabetic. My parents cried because they thought they had failed as parents. They didn’t know what they were going to do and they felt bad because they thought it was their fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault because there are no favorites in this world. I’ve experienced a handful of traumatic events in my life. Still, to this day, I wonder “Why me?” about a few of them, but I don’t over-analyze it. If I did, I would drive myself crazy. All I do is hope that the people that truly care about me will accept me even with all of the faults that I have, whether the fault was self-induced or genetic. For some unknown reason I was chosen to battle against some strange things that many others were not. I’m not sure if these things have made me timid, shy, self conscious or a variety of other things. The only thing I do know is that I’m a good person inside. If people pass that by that’s their own decision and I can’t do anything about it.

When I was talking to my buddy the other day I thought about a quote that someone gave me when I was going through my divorce. It read something like this: “Sometimes the most devastating and traumatic events in our lives bring us the most amazing and unimaginable blessings.” I can only hope that this becomes true for this couple. I know there’s something waiting for them even if I don’t know what it is yet.

I learned another thing during that rough patch of my life that oddly enough came up in a conversation I had earlier this week. No decisions are hard, especially ones that are really close to your heart. No matter what decision you make there’s always going to be someone who is hurt. I was hurt very badly by that one decision that was made, but my life has taken an unbelievable turn. I’ve been able to write and publish a book and now I’m beginning another one.

Simply put, there are no answers for many things that happen through the course of life. It can cause us great pain and sadness if we let it consume us. We can also do things to help ourselves and others on the journey. Never give up hoping because without hope life is nothing. Miracles come from everywhere. Sometimes they’re gently placed in our laps. Sometimes we have to be beaten down to experience them. Sometimes they drop out of the sky without warning.

Just as life isn’t fair and it’s hard to make sense of……………..Miracles do happen. It’s our job to never give up and recognize the miracle when it appears. Sometimes it’s not as obvious as other times. Don’t miss your  miracle when it shows up.