Todd Mead's Blog

Although I’ve been busy I’m still trying to find time to move forward in the book I’ve been reading. “The Shack” has grabbed my interest and held my attention through every word so far. One thing that I like about the book is how each chapter begins. They all begin with a quote after the name of the chapter. It’s unique and I like the meaning behind it. For some reason I can easily relate to many of the quotes.

Chapter 8 begins with a quote from an unknown author. It says, “Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown.”

That quote struck a chord quite close to home when I sat down and digested it. At first I thought it was kind of cool, but the longer I sat there and thought about it I quickly saw how true it really is.

Sometimes things happen to us that we don’t have any control over. In order to grow from these things we have to change. The change could include anything from our living arrangements, to a great loss or just changing how we think.

I’ve always been somewhat stubborn when it comes to things that I believe in. There have been many times in the past when I knew that I needed to make changes in my life, but I was hesitant to address those issues. I was too comfortable with everything, even if many of the things were negatively impacting the quality of my life. I never wanted to take any risks. I always feared the worse. If I did something to benefit my life I always figured it would backfire in my face. That’s what made me keep plodding along on the smooth paved highway. I never wanted to get off an exit and take an adventure along an unknown road. Comfort and familiarity often keep us on the same road. It very well could be the road to nowhere, but our fear paralyzes us into thinking that we won’t be able to handle any change in our current position, let alone a major change.

Personal growth requires many things in different areas. We need to surround ourselves with positive people who have dreams, aspirations, hope and drive to reach their goals. If you find yourself around people unlike yourself in those areas you will most likely fall into the trap of following their lead. The life will get sucked out of you and every day becomes one of comfort and security. However, if a few risks were taken from time to time you might find yourself chasing dreams that you thought were unattainable at one time. In order to do this you need a lot of support from your circle of friends, your family and your partner if you have one.

Many partners drive the other to succeed. Their support feeds each other. They’re there to celebrate the small victories and to help you when you encounter bumps in the road on your journey. No matter what you do, they show their pride, which motivates you to succeed.

I’ve seen this time and time again from my parents. I mean really…what better role models could I possibly have? My parents have been on vacation in Houston, Texas for the last week. Since my mom was stricken with the viral brain infection a year and a half ago they haven’t been able to do much away from home. I’ve seen many days where other people would have given up, but my mom smiles, stays optimistic and keeps striving to get better. I can’t imagine being 63 years old and having to start all over again. She might walk sideways, have a hard time while learning how to read again, but she never quits. In the process of all of that she also always looks out for her family first. She’s in Houston this week cheering my father on at the Senior Olympics. That support and positive feedback surely drives my dad to succeed. It brings him to another level even if he doesn’t know it.

Yesterday was my father’s birthday. I had such a miserable day that I got so involved in something going on, that by the time I realized I needed to call him, it was what I thought, was too late. I felt like a bad son, especially after everything he has done for me. Then, when I called today he played it off like he didn’t know yesterday was his birthday just to make me feel better. I’m a grown adult, I’m not that stupid. Unfortunately, it’s one of those things I’ll have to live with now.

I spoke with one of my friends today about this topic. I found it ironic how I had already written most of this but had to save it as a draft. My friend told me how it’s “necessary” to keep the walls up and not let anyone inside. It’s a defense mechanism that has worked from day one and offers protection. I personally disagree. I think that so called defense mechanism actually weakens you and prohibits your growth. Sometimes if we let our walls down a new way of looking at life gently finds us. People sometimes become so afraid of letting others in because they’re afraid of what “might” happen. The future is the future and we can’t predict it. There’s no sense in worrying about things that haven’t happened yet. If we do our part everything will work out as planned.

However, if we leave the walls up that’s what we will find in the people that come into our lives. If your walls don’t come down, their walls will remain as well, or your inability to open up will steer them away from you.  There’s no room for growth with that huge obstacle in the way. The wall stunts everyone’s growth which is a real shame.

Everyone gets hurt. We all experience loss, failure and emptiness because of our decisions. There’s nobody out there who doesn’t encounter these things. We can’t base the future on the past. We have to accept the present for what it is and just take one step at a time.

Yes, change does involve risk. If you’re not willing to take the risk, you certainly don’t deserve to be rewarded with the wonderful things that the change will bring to you. I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that the scenery is much better when you push the wall over than it is if you peek around or through the wall that you refuse to let fall.

Life is all what we make of it. I’ve seen the good as well as the bad. I’ve finally realized that I’m willing to take calculated risks. If I see something that is worth taking a chance to help me grow, I will slowly act on it. I might move at a snail’s pace, but I will take the risk in hopes that I will be rewarded with the change. As my friend says, “Peace out.” Without risk there’s no reward. Take  a chance and you might just be surprised what you find on the other side.

As I sat at work today I thought about a lot of things that I could address through writing tonight. Now, as I sit here, my mind is blank. A few weeks ago a friend of mine sent me a quote that I found interesting, so I’ll start there and see where I end up by the time I finish.

The quote reads, “The hardest battle you’re ever going to fight is the battle to be just you.”

It sounds so simple doesn’t it? However, some people live their entire lives without ever really knowing who they are. I can’t fathom it, but I can understand it when I look around. There are so many lost souls who grasp at everything around them in order to find a small bit of acceptance. Once they “fit in” they move on to something else. Instead of looking in the mirror they try to keep up with everyone around them. These people crave attention and will do anything to get it, whether it’s positive attention or negative attention. The end result really doesn’t matter as long as they’re getting some type of attention.

We all like to complain about things. If you think you have a lot of will power try to go through one day without complaining about anything. I never realized how hard it is until someone challenged me with it. It was almost impossible for me. It’s easy to bitch and moan about everything under the sun, no matter how large or small the problem might be. Someone’s bad habits might irritate us. Another person’s bad driving skills might annoy us. Then, we have to complain about these things that get under our skin.

For a reason unknown to me I’ve had a lot of people talk to me about issues in their relationships. Sometimes I don’t say much and other times I lash out because I become irritated. It’s hard for me to believe what people put up with, especially when they are brought down by the events on a regular basis.  A lot of times we don’t think people treat us well and in many cases they don’t. However, we should always remember that we only get treated as badly as we allow someone to treat us. There comes a time when we have to stand up for ourselves, put our foot down and move away from these things that bring us down.

Since this has no direction tonight I’ll add that my father just called from Houston. He’s shooting in the Senior Olympics and after the first day of shooting he’s in fourth place. I’m proud of him. He’s come a long way with his shooting skills over the last five years. Hopefully he can put a good score on the board again tomorrow and not drop any places.

I’m glad that he’s finally enjoying it for himself. I’ll never forget all of those years that he drove me all over the country so I could shoot. I achieved high levels of success and I loved every minute of it when I was competing. I always knew that he was proud of me, but I felt bad because I knew that he was traveling solely for me. I could never ask for a better role model or parent. That’s why it’s so satisfying when he calls me to tell me how he shot. I’m happy for him.

I would like to babble tonight, but I haven’t slept much this week. Tomorrow is Friday and I’m worn out. Hopefully I will feel a little more stimulated over the weekend.

I had  very uplifting conversations both last night and today with different people. Sometimes it’s just a couple of minutes of someone’s time that makes a difference in the day. I’m glad I had the time and ability to converse with these people. A simple smile can often carry you from one day to the next.

Last Thursday night I jotted a few last things on a piece of paper and organized some props that I planned on bringing to my presentation the next day. While I’ve done presentations for 4th, 5th, 6th, 11th and 12th graders, I’ve never done one for 1st graders.

Since most first graders are six years old, I knew that I would have to find ways to keep them focused. The younger the audience, the shorter the attention span usually seems to be. When I outlined the things I wanted to cover I tried to find ways that I thought we could interact with each other. I could listen to them and they could listen to me. My primary goal was to let them have fun.  Sometimes a presentation will take a different direction than what was originally planned.

When I arrived in the classroom Mrs. Osgood quickly introduced me to the class. The moment was priceless. The kids seemed excited and some of them were in awe. I could tell that for a few minutes they thought I was larger than life. After I asked a few of them to help me find a chair to sit in, they graciously scurried around to get a “big person” chair for me.

Instead of trying to give my presentation as an adult, I tried to lower myself to their level of thinking, so it would be easier for all of us to communicate.  I asked easy questions that they wouldn’t have to think about for very long. In order to include all of them we went around the classroom one at a time and gave every student a chance to participate. If one of them didn’t want to participate we moved on to the next one.

Halfway into the presentation I realized that I was losing a few of them. At that point I broke out a few of my props. I took out a set of shed antlers from a deer. I gave them a quick lesson about shedding by explaining to them that deer lose their antlers every winter and grow new ones for the following year.

When I reached into my bag and pulled the antlers out I asked if anyone knew what they were. One of the children yelled out, “They’re deer horns!” Suddenly, a small boy quickly corrected her by saying, “No they’re not. They’re deer antlers.”

I had to explain to the class that, yes, indeed, they were antlers and not horns. As the antlers made their way around the class the kids were having a ball. A few of them held them on their heads and pretended to be deer. I had to help one or two of them when I noticed the antlers were facing the wrong direction or they weren’t quite in the right place on the head.

After I took the antlers out the children were once again paying close attention to what I was saying. From there I asked all of them to make animal noises. After they made their noise I would try to guess what the noise was supposed to be. I did quite well until we got to the end of the class.

The boy made a noise that I didn’t recognize. Actually, I couldn’t even guess what it was, so I timidly asked him if he could tell me what the noise was supposed to be. With a big, toothy grin he politely informed me that it was a lion. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. I smiled at him and said, “That sounds like a pretty weak lion. I think your lion needs to be a little louder and more intimidating.” At that point a few of us tried making lion noises together. When we were done I think we were much closer to the actual animal kingdom noise than where we had started.

As time was winding down Mrs. Osgood asked me to sit in the rocking chair while the kids gathered around on the carpet. She wanted me to read a story to them before they left for the day.

To my amazement I had their attention through the entire story. Although the newness of my visit had long since faded, I could still see the excitement in many of their faces. Although I can’t read a first grader’s mind, I’m pretty sure that they all liked me. I tried to make them realize that we were all the same. The only difference between us was that I had more years of experience to draw from. Earlier in the presentation I told them about one of my first grade experiences that I will remember for as long as I live. That’s when I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I missed a lot of school that year, but I was still able to move to second grade the following year. I also shared the story with them about the time that I was sitting on the carpet during story time and peed my pants. Although they all laughed and found it funny, I’m not sure Mrs. Osgood was so thrilled. I just tried to make them realize that even I had done something  when I was their age that I wasn’t too proud of. Sometimes we have to make kids realize that it’s ok if something happens that we can’t control.

After a few pictures were taken the bell rang, which signified the end of the school day. A few of the kids came rushing back to say goodbye, while others scampered out the door. A few of them wanted hugs and thanked me for making their day special.

Mrs. Osgood took the bus riders to the bus and I gathered my stuff that was scattered across the room. As I sat there waiting, I felt a great sense of accomplishment. I hadn’t done a thing, other than made a group of kids happy for a little over an hour. I’m not sure if any of them will ever remember me as their lives move forward. If they don’t, I will know that I made them smile, laugh and carry on, while they were listening to me talk. If you can make a difference in anyone’s life, especially a child, there’s a feeling associated with it that can’t be compared to anything in the world.

This August it will be 24 years since I showed up at SUNY Oneonta for my first year of college classes. I wanted to be a teacher, but beyond that I wasn’t really sure what life had in store for me.

When I got into my second year I made a choice that steered me away from teaching. I’ll never know for sure if it was the right or wrong choice, but any way that I look at it, it’s the choice I made. Since I’ve been doing the presentations at different schools it has made me realize that I probably could have been a good teacher. I also think I could have made a difference in the lives of a few children along the way.  That’s why I try to give back as much as I can. It’s never too late to make a first impression.

I have a lot of friends who are teachers. The friends are men and women alike. They’ve been educated all over the world, too. They all share one thing in common. They’re my friends and I’m proud of  them. They’re good teachers and they enjoy what they do. I consider myself very lucky to hear their stories. I can see the light in their eyes when they talk about their students from the past and the present.

If you get a chance think about some of your old teachers. We all have teachers that stand out in our minds. Those are the teachers that truly made a difference in our lives. I know that three of my closest friends are these type of teachers. Two of them still teach and one does not. The one that doesn’t simply chose a different career path for the time being, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she ends up back in the teaching world.

We come across many teachers in our lives. These teachers aren’t always in school either. Sometimes people appear in our lives to give us guidance in areas where we are lacking expertise. They might know what to say to us or they might know how to give us a gentle nudge in the right direction. No matter what they do, we should always acknowledge these special people and thank them for everything they do for us. That’s our responsibility. Don’t ever let these people fade into a memory. Try to realize that without these people we might still be stuck on a road to nowhere. Thank you to everyone who has ever helped me on my journey. I will never forget any of you.

I’m currently reading a book that my friend Leon recommended a few years ago. Knowing the kind of person that I am he thought that I could gain something from reading it.

Since I’m a person who likes quotes I’ve found the quotes at the beginning of each chapter to be entertaining. The title of Chapter 4 is titled “The Great Sadness.” The quote below the chapter header reads:

Sadness is a wall between two gardens.     Kahlil Gibran

After I read the quote I found myself concentrating more on the substance behind it than I did on reading. Eventually, I quit reading and focused on the meaning behind the quote.

Whenever we read quotes the quote will bring a different meaning to everyone who reads it. There’s no two people that can have the same exact feeling. That’s what makes our individuality so unique. We are allowed to give things our own meaning and let them tie into our lives as we see fit.

I smiled when I first read the quote because I found comfort in knowing that someone shared the same type of feeling that I’m currently in. The wall that stands between two gardens can be taken down if we make an effort to do so. However, the wall can also loom so large and indestructible that it will never come down if we don’t allow ourselves to imagine the things on the other side of it.

Gardens are typically places where things grow. Usually you’ll find the most common gardens to be filled with flowers or vegetables. Flowers usually bring a smile to our faces. If someone gives us flowers it means that they care about us. They are sending us a message that is uplifting and powerful. The beauty of flowers often comes from the internal beauty of another human being.

Many years ago when I walked through the Eisenhower Gardens I felt the energy that was there. It has always amazed me how a simple change in scenery can give off such powerful vibes. I was encompassed by beautiful flowers and plants. I was mesmerized while I was there. It’s one of those trips that only lasted about an hour, but has found a place to stay in the back of my memory.

I remember the strawberry garden that we used to plant every year in the yard when I was little. Sometimes I would sneak into the garden and steal a few strawberries for myself. They always tasted so good that I couldn’t resist picking them. I made sure that I only took a couple because I didn’t want my father to find out that I was responsible for taking them for myself.

I also find it amazing that I never did the same thing in the vegetable garden. I guess you could say that the cucumbers, pumpkins and tomatoes didn’t taste quite as good as the fruit.

Sadness is something that none of us can avoid. We encounter many situations on our journey through life that bring great sadness. Some things make it seem like the world is going to cave in around us, while other things are only momentary lapses of sadness. We all find different ways to deal with these things when they confront us. There’s no right or wrong way to do it as long as we find a way that works for us.

I’ve been  in between the two gardens for a while now. I’ve hemmed and hawed as to what I should be doing. What’s good for me and what isn’t? I never seem to commit to one thing in order to jump over the wall or simply push it over. Instead, I let it loom between the two gardens. While, I’m not letting sadness consume me, it does have a presence in my life.

Most of my sadness is self-induced which makes the problem easier to solve. When sadness that accompanies the death of a loved one or unexpected news we sometimes can’t control that type of sadness.  I’m pretty sure that many people can relate to what I’m saying when I talk of self-induced sadness. We let things start off small and build up speed as they roll down the hill. Instead of latching on and trying to stop the ball that’s rolling down the hill we let it unravel our well-being. Before we know it we’re caught up in turmoil and indecision. It seems like no matter what we decide to do it’s the wrong thing. We know it’s not, but we convince ourselves that it is.

Instead of letting things roll, we try to control things. We want to step in the middle of the events that are unfolding and make things go in the direction that we want them to go in. We become scared of the things that are happening and things that haven’t yet happened. We worry about little things and let other things consume us.

Then, the few of us who are lucky enough to see the light and get out of our own way find a way to push over the wall between the two gardens. At that point they find themselves in the middle of the most beautiful plot of land that they ever imagined. That huge wall has disappeared. Now, all that remains is a small wall that is half the size of a baby gate. It’s easy to step over it. It doesn’t block our vision or hinder our progress from one garden to the next. It’s just there to remind us that nobody can go through life without a small bit of sadness. We must do what we have to in order to make our gardens flourish.

The book I’m reading is very deep on a philosophical level. It questions the existence of God and makes us think about a lot of things in our own lives. I’m glad I listened to my buddy Leon when he told me to pick up a copy of the book. He’s a 70 year old man who claims that I inspire him. I’m not sure that I’ve ever been given a better compliment than that. It still amazes me every time that he tells me. Well, he inspires me, too.

Sadness is like happiness. We have to embrace it when it’s there. If we don’t, we won’t learn how to turn things around and learn from them. Just as rainbows always follow rain, sadness is always replaced by happiness. We are responsible for growing and learning from the things that bring us down. If we don’t do this, we will get stuck behind that wall. The vegetables, flowers and fruit will eventually become brown and we’ll be left with nothing. If you find yourself battling through bouts of sadness keep pushing forward until you find a way around the wall. You’ll surely get there if you don’t give up. It’s always nice to have good friends to help us through these times. If you have to, jump on one of their backs and let them carry you until you’re able to walk on your own again. There’s no shame in that. Friends help each other no matter what they have to do. Sometimes being sad for a friend helps us battle our own sadness. If we find happiness, it might just help them, too.

Today dragged on and on and on. After the long weekend it seemed as if the day would never end. Over the course of the previous three days I got kind of used to being alone. I’ve always enjoyed spending time by myself, so the weekend was a perfect time to catch up on lost time in that area.

Every once in a while I find myself on a road to nowhere. Any road will take me to where I want to go because the destination is unknown. When I’m on that road it’s easy to realize that the future is unwritten. Although we can make predictions and wish upon falling stars, it’s hard to imagine where we might be a month from now, let alone a year from now. Most of us have a general idea of where we want to go, but few of us will find the path needed to get us there. Instead, we get lost in the familiarity of our day to day lives. We find comfort there, so we rebel against change. Most change is good. Change usually brings us a new way to look at things. It might present us with better opportunities or challenge us with things we didn’t know we were capable of doing.

Change can be scary. It can make us hide in fear. It can fill our bodies with adrenalin. It can do anything that we allow it to do. However, if we stand up, welcome the opportunities that arise and leave the old behind, we can grow from the experience. When we become stagnant we tend to lose focus on what we really want in life. I’ve made a habit of putting one foot in front of the other and slowly moving forward, even it it is at a snail’s pace. I will get to to where I want to go.

As I launched my kayak into the river on Sunday morning it felt good to be back in the water. The bottom of my boat never touched water last summer. I was involved with so many other things that I simply didn’t have time to enjoy the peace and quiet that being on the water always brings to me.

Within seconds of pushing off from the shore my boat gently glided into the current and began it’s journey downstream. The cold water trickled down my paddle and across my fingers. It was cooler than I anticipated, but refreshing at the same time.

As I floated down the river I noticed the aftermath of the fury that nature had unleashed over the last month. There were broken branches, flooded fields and bird houses that barely stuck out above the water. I’m sure many other things were swept away.

It was a good thing that I wasn’t overly energetic because the current kept me from working very hard. Before I knew it a few hours had passed and I was headed home. It felt good to be outside for a while.

When I returned home I grabbed some lunch, rested for a little while and decided to entertain myself by hitting golf balls. It’s amazing how something so simple can become so difficult if you don’t practice. At first I was shanking shots all over the place. Eventually I got everything under control and started hitting perfect shots with my 7-iron. I’ve done a lot of things in my life, but there are very few things that can compare to hitting a perfect golf shot. Since I didn’t have to rely on anyone else I stopped as soon as I hit a perfect shot. That’s the beauty of being alone. I could go as I came because I was ready and it was time. It was time to find something else to do with myself.  Some days you seem so lost, but you’re at home with your surroundings. I’m sure that most of you can understand what I’m getting at.

When the sun set on the day I stared at the ceiling and began to wonder what’s next. One thought to the next crossed through my mind. I acknowledged all of them and spent significant time on a few of them. I felt like I was in the kayak again. I was floating down the river. I was quietly hoping that the current would do its part and take me to where I belong. As long as I realize that there’s no need to interfere by moving my paddle, I’m sure that I’ll slowly drift into a safe harbor on the side of the river. I’m not sure what or who will be there to greet me when I arrive, but I do know that I won’t be alone. Until then, I’ll enjoy my own company as I always do.

I’ll be at the Woods n’ Water Expo in Inlet, NY the weekend of June 4-5.  Stop in to have your old book signed or pick up a new copy while you’re there. I look forward to seeing you there.

Todd A. Mead

What makes a person lucky? The answer could be almost anything. The thing that we fail to realize is that we’re all lucky. At one time we beat out millions of other sperm in order to fertilize the egg. If we had lost that race we wouldn’t be here today. It sounds kind of corny, but it’s true. Our luck started before we were even alive.

A while back I met a person who told me that they were lucky. They went on to tell me that they have always been blessed with good luck. I quietly listened and took it all in. I complained to the person about my bad luck. Although I’ve never truly thought that I’m an unlucky person I find that I tell people that because it sometimes feels good when someone shows you some sympathy.

At first the conversation was just in passing, but over time I was made more aware of the many good fortunes that this person has been a part of. Just like anyone, she has had her share of bad luck, but she doesn’t usually acknowledge it. That might be good and it might be bad. Sometimes we have to realize that we’ve been dealt a bad hand. When things don’t go quite right it’s ok to admit it. That’s when you have to find something positive that comes from the bad luck, which ultimately turns into good luck.

I’ve always been a firm believer that we make our own luck. I consider myself one of the luckiest people alive. I can still remember a Little League All Star game that I played in when I was 12 years old. It was in a tournament in Greenwich, NY. We went undefeated in the tournament. In one of the games I hit a ball to deep right-center field. It clunked a sign that said “Hit Me: Win a Free Ice Cream from Stewarts.” I was pretty lucky that day. Although I didn’t eat much ice cream due to my diabetes, I still enjoyed hitting the sign.

My good luck started even before that. When I was six years old I went for a motorcycle ride on my parents anniversary with my father. We were going to ride around the block before my parents went out to dinner. We never returned home that night. A half mile from home a dog ran out from under a car and got lodged between the wheels of the motorcycle. When we crashed my skull was cracked, along with the helmet. My father got tossed off the bike and his bones were sticking out of his skin from rubbing across the pavement. For weeks after the accident I wasn’t able to do anything. There were questions as to whether or not my face would ever return to normal. In the end the only thing that stuck was a white scar that appears under my hair-line when I sweat. I never knew how lucky I would continue to be from that day forward.

I had many more lucky moments over the next decade, but one of them stands out from my college years. I was never a person who could do well without studying. One year when my final exams rolled around I had to cram to get in as much studying as possible.

One evening as I was studying I took my insulin injection and decided to go eat a little while later. After I returned from eating I took another injection  because I had forgotten about doing it the first time around. The next morning my roommate found me unconscious in my bed. I fell asleep without realizing that I took two injections. I never woke up.

The next thing I can remember is floating above a bed. I could see my body lying lifeless on a table below. There were nurses and doctors all around the table. I saw them shock me to bring me back to life. Then, I could hear a doctor yelling, “Get him again, you’re losing him, get him again.” I saw my body jolt upward when they put the paddles to my chest again. At that point everything seemed very bright. The next thing I can remember is waking up in a hospital room and my parents were there. I knew that it would have taken them at least three hours to get there. Although I didn’t know what was going on, I knew that something was wrong. A short time later I was filled in on the events that had taken place.

I never said a word to anyone about my experience because I figured people would think that I was crazy. Until that day I never believed in out of body experiences, but now I have no doubt that it happens. The odd part is that it wasn’t all that scary when I was watching it from above. With all of the chaos below me I was peacefully watching the events unfold. I was in a good place. Many people say that they don’t fear death after something like that happens to them, but I can honestly say that I still have the fear. At the same time though, I believe the end will be very similar to what I went through that day. I’ll never know until I get there.

I’m pretty sure that I can say that I was blessed with a little bit of good luck that day. I also know that my time wasn’t up. Whatever I was put on this planet to do had not been done at that point. I’m not sure if I’ve accomplished my tasks yet, but I feel that I haven’t, otherwise I would be gone.  So, if I’ve been a positive influence in your life you can assume that I was meant to be there. Something brought me to you to serve a purpose. Some of us take longer than others to figure out why things happen, but they all happen for a reason.

We’re not human if we don’t experience a few relationship problems in our lives. While I’ve experienced some wonderful times, I’ve also hit a few bumps in the road. I feel blessed that things happened as they did. At the time that a few of the relationships ended I was devastated. I felt empty, hopeless and lost. I felt like I had failed myself and others around me. A few times I knew that I would be better off, but the pain was still very deep. It’s at these times that we sometimes don’t allow ourselves to see the forest through the trees. We’re all guilty of it. We try to convince ourselves that things are better than what they actually are. We tend to get lost and before we know it we become creatures of habit. The few people who brake the trend are the ones who truly succeed and go on to live successful lives.

Now, I feel extremely lucky for the events that have transpired in my life. This website and blog came into existence because of a great loss, but a loss that I now look at as a stroke of good luck. It forced me to reinvent myself and chase dreams that I had put aside for far too long. It allowed me to become friends with people who have taught me many things about life and about myself. It allowed me to reach out to people who needed some guidance or a helping hand. Most people might consider a time period like that to be bad luck, but I don’t. I’m thankful for the good luck that I was so blessed to find after I moved forward.

As one day has led into the next I  have gained a better insight for what I want and need out of life. It’s very hard to make any significant changes if we don’t know what we truly want or need. Somehow, some way I was fortunate enough to meet a person who I know refer to as “The Lucky One.” A few simple words here and there and a couple of deep conversations made me realize that good luck does follow this person around. Although it’s very evident, it’s not that way for many other people. Some of us have to realize that bad things sometimes happen to us to bring us good luck at a later time.

I play the part like everyone else. I pretend that I have bad luck because I want people to feel sorry for me. In all reality I know how lucky I am. I have a wonderful life. Although I sometimes find myself wallowing around in sadness or self-pity, I’m always able to see the light. I’m lucky to have the greatest parents in the world. They have helped me to become the person that I am. I have many faults, but the good parts that I have all come from them. I always try to be kind, considerate and understanding of others. I’m willing to lend an ear when someone needs me to listen and a shoulder if someone needs to lean on me.

I don’t have a good way to end this tonight. Monday night was a horrible night. A few unexpected things came up and my moodiness got the best of me. Before I knew it I was in a place that I didn’t want to be. I couldn’t turn the clock back, so I climbed in bed and stared at the ceiling. I wanted The Lucky One to float above me and sprinkle some of the magic dust onto my body. I peered into the darkness and wished upon an empty sky. Nothing came…… I could hear the tree frogs across the street, but that was it. The silence was deafening and I could hear my voice inside my head.  I could hear the Lucky One’s voice telling me that good luck would come my way if I waited long enough without pursuing it. Before long I was fast asleep……..waiting and praying, praying and waiting. Maybe I’ll be the Lucky One some day, if I’m not already. You be the judge….

I finished the writing of my second book last night. The tough and time consuming part will now begin. I hope to have it finished by the new year. As long as I keep my goals in order I’m pretty sure I’ll get to where I want to go. For some unknown reason I felt a sense of accomplishment when I typed the last few words. I never had that feeling with the first book.

Late yesterday afternoon I decided that I should probably shoot a few arrows since I’ve only shot outside twice this year. I wanted to be sighted in for the IBO Qualifier that I was going to attend on Sunday.

For twenty minutes I felt a calm, soothing sense of relaxation as I launched arrow after arrow into the target. The last five years I haven’t shot many arrows at all. What used to be a driving force in my life has become something more like a past-time for me now. I haven’t really found anything that has taken its place, but I also don’t feel like I have to shoot.  I do miss traveling to the tournaments all over the country. I met a lot of great people and I still keep in touch with many of them. I feel very fortunate that I shot so well when I was in the presence of so many people that I didn’t know.

A few weeks ago when I was talking to one of my friends she asked me a question that I hadn’t thought about in a long time. We were talking about different things that we liked to do and she asked me if I ever thought about getting seriously involved in archery again. Without thinking, I told her that I wasn’t interested in it and that I didn’t have the motivation to spend enough time to get back to the same level that I used to enjoy.

Since that day I’ve thought about it a lot. I wondered if it might be something that I should look at in order to find that quiet mind that I used to have. When I was deeply involved with the archery tournaments it was easy to center my mind and eliminate most of the distracting thoughts that entered it.

I have noticed that my mind has a tendency to run rampant now, as compared to then. The other night when I shot the arrows, my mind was quiet at the center. There was no monkey chatter in the background. I focused, pulled, felt the tension build in my back and watched the arrow strike the target.

The same thing happened today at the tournament. Although I hadn’t shot a 3D target since last summer I held my own. I will actually be quite surprised if I didn’t win my class. I made a few sloppy shots, but for the most part my execution was flawless, just as it used to be. I hit a few targets low, but it was due to being a little short on my yardage estimation.

On my way home I realized that I could probably do quite well if I wanted to put the same amount of time into it that I used to. Since those days I’ve went through a lot of life-changing experiences. I’ve learned a few lessons the hard way and I’ve also realized that certain things happen for a reason. Sometimes we need a little change to lead us in another direction. I’ve always kept my mind open to change.

Although I’ve always enjoyed writing I never put a lot into it after I graduated from college. Then, archery came along which kept me away from it for too long. Finally, through a few trying times, everything seemed to come full circle.  I was able to write my first book, a nationally syndicated column and now my second book. Without change, none of that would have happened.

About five years ago I wrote down a quote that a friend gave me. She told me to read it, absorb it and try to realize that one day it might have meaning to me. The quote read, “Sometimes the most amazing and unimaginable blessings come out of the worst events of our lives.”

Now, I’m finally able to fully understand what is behind the quote.  I’m not sure that I’m there yet, but I feel that I’m on a good path right now. I’m content as I march along in pursuit of happiness. I’m enjoying every day and whatever it brings into my life.

When I was a child I watched “The Wizard of Oz” every spring. It was an annual tradition in my home. I can actually see a little of myself in all of the main characters. The most vivid picture I can see is that off the yellow brick road. I’m pretty sure that I’m on it. I’m learning more about myself and my place in life every single day. I’ll be forever thankful for that. Enjoy your journey wherever it might take you. I’m surely enjoying mine.

A few weeks ago a good friend of mine asked if I would be interested in reading my short story “The Smallest Marcher” to his class. After reading the story he said we could discuss it and then talk about what it’s like to be an author.

I didn’t hesitate to answer “yes” when he asked me if I would be interested. The last time I spoke in front of a class was about a year ago. I spoke to a class of 11th graders at Hoosick Falls Central School. This time I would be speaking to a bunch of elementary kids at St. Johnsville Central School.

When I woke up Friday morning my blood glucose level was a little on the high side. It bounced around most of the morning until I had to leave for my presentation.

I left around 11 o’clock and welcomed the drive. It was very relaxing. My eyes were heavy and my mind was active. As the miles disappeared behind me, I found myself glancing into the fields on the side of the road. I saw a few birds gliding through the sky and (for a moment) I wished I was next to them.

Eventually I arrived at the school. I checked my blood sugar before heading to the principal’s office. Once there, I signed in and made my way upstairs. When I walked into the classroom my buddy introduced me to all of his students. At the time I felt completely normal. Ten minutes later that feeling changed.

As kids started piling into the cafeteria I felt somewhat unprepared. I had planned on talking to no more than 30 kids. When the cafeteria was almost full I realized that I had a chance to make an impression. The impression might be made on one child or on a number of them. You can never tell until you’re done and even then you may never know what effect you had on them.

After a brief  introduction I began reading my short story about bullying. Every once in a while the microphone squawked, but besides that there weren’t any problems. I’ve never minded reading in front of people, so I felt at home as I plowed through the words on the paper.

When I finished I asked for any comments or feedback. The kids seemed a little quiet so the principal took charge and spoke of the bullying  issues that she confronts on a daily basis. After a short discussion we moved to the topic of being an author and publishing my own book.

The kids seemed more interested in that than they did the story. I could understand that because as I was reading the story I was thinking in my head how awful it sounded. Maybe I’m my own worst critic. I’ll never know for sure.

When I finally finished talking it was time for the kids to move on to their other classes. Before they left I got some pictures with a few different classes. Then, some of the teachers and the principal thanked me for coming.

If I could go back in time I would like to stay there for as long as possible. At that moment I really felt like I made a difference. I might not have done anything at all, but I felt special for a few minutes. It was an exhilarating feeling and it stayed with me for my entire ride home. It made me want to go to another school in front of another group of kids just to do it again.

Sometimes it’s these little victories that give our lives so much meaning. I guess I’ll hope that one of those children goes on to do something positive with the information that I supplied them with. We can never choose another individual’s path, but we can give them guidance and help them pick the one that provides them with the most opportunity.

I’ve wandered around on many different paths over the course of my 40 plus years on this planet. I’ve been fortunate enough to find a few things that I’m very good at and I’ve learned lessons from the things that I’m not so good at. One thing that I’ve accomplished is to never give up. I try to keep pushing forward no matter how dim the outlook might appear. We learn the most about ourselves when we hit the low points. That’s when we have to pull everything together in order to find a better way to make ourselves happy.

This week has been filled with some ups and downs. I feel a little blue today as I know that some things happen that we will never truly understand. The harder we search for answers the more elusive they sometimes become. My new goal is to let the answers come to me. I hope that my journey through life continues along the bright path that I’ve followed up to this point. Rainbows usually start appearing around this time of year. I’m ready to slide down the arc and into the pot of gold. Heck, we all chase rainbows, but how many of us can say that the gold at the end of them illuminates us from the inside out?

I’m not sure why, but I’m pretty convinced that I’ve always had a knack for saying the right things when people ask for advice. Although I don’t always tell them what they want to hear, I try to be as honest as possible.

Yesterday I was left speechless on a few different occasions. When I can’t find anything to say I know that I’m way out of my comfort zone. I’ve always been fairly good at adapting to a situation and creating a positive atmosphere.

When my mother called me at work yesterday morning I didn’t know what to say. I knew that my nephew’s best friend at college had committed suicide the night before. I had briefly talked with my sister to make sure she didn’t need anything from me at that moment in time. My niece had a lacrosse game scheduled for 11:30, so I planned on leaving work early to go see the game. I knew my mom was reeling. She couldn’t be with my sister because she had to be at her appointment with the brain specialist in Schenectady. I could tell that she thought someone should be with my sister. I quickly packed up my stuff at work and called it a day.

When I saw my sister she started talking and I didn’t know what to say. It made me think of that old Reba McEntire song where she sings about being a parent and not knowing what to say in a moment like that. I was there. I was in that spot.

She sniffled a little bit and said, “What do I say to Marissa? I can’t tell her that it’s ok, because it’s not ok.” Although my head was crammed with thoughts my lips didn’t move. I couldn’t speak. Instead, I sat there and listened because that’s all I felt that I could do. In my head I knew that she didn’t need anything more than that.

I watched the first half of the game before returning to work. I was going to take the rest of the day off, but I knew my sister was going to go home and get some rest. When I got back to work the people who I’m close to offered their support. I’ve come to count on these people during tough times. I don’t have to ask them for anything. They offer their support and don’t expect anything in return. They do what true friends do.  I’m very appreciative of the people I have in my life.

I’m usually fairly active during the evening hours. On that night I didn’t do a thing. I crawled into bed at 7pm and stayed there until around 9:30. I kept my mind active. I was in another world, even if it was only for a few hours. It was almost as if I was in a dream. Every once in a while I touched myself just to make sure that I wasn’t dreaming. It was an extremely odd feeling that I don’t think very many people are ever able to experience.

When I got out of bed I went for a drive. The cold, damp air felt good as it entered my lungs when I got outside. The light fog and wet pavement added to everything else that I had experienced throughout the day. It was almost a perfect way to end the day. I was home within a half hour.

My thoughts tonight are with my nephew. I can’t imagine what he’s going through. I’ve had a few traumatic things happen to me, but nothing like this. I would like to give him advice, but I have nothing to offer. I sent him a note to tell him how much I care about him and how much I love him. He has my ear anytime that he feels that he needs or wants it.

Time heals all wounds, but some scars run so deep they never go away. This scar will be deep. There’s absolutely no doubt about the magnitude of this event. I hope that Anthony is able to stay focused. His final exams are closing in fast. His mind will be a mess and he must concentrate in order to do well. If anyone is reading this please say a prayer for him. I will pray that he is able to find a peaceful, quiet mind. I will also pray that he will never forget this event and that he will use it to help others.

Sometimes we don’t realize how strong we are until something happens that requires us to use our strength. This is surely one of those things. Although I know that my nephew is strong this will give him a chance to see his own strength. In what he thinks is his weakest point, he will find the strength to deal with the adversity surrounding him and use it to motivate him to make his life better as well as all of those around him.

Once again we have learned that life has no favorites. He’s going to take every one of us at one time or another. Live each day like it’s your last and don’t hold anything back. Everything around you can change in five minutes. Stay close to the ones you love and love the ones you need and want in your lives.

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