Todd Mead's Blog

It was November 17 and I was standing in a pasture just outside of a cut corn field. Although the sky was dark there was no threat of rain. A steady wind cut across the valley and slapped me in the side of the face. It made the temperature feel 10 degrees colder than it actually was.

As I stood there I could hear a distant hum of dirt beneath the tires of a m0ving vehicle. When the noise grew louder I could see a full-size white pick-up truck  slowly approaching from the tractor road that ran along the side of the field. I didn’t recognize the truck or the two people in it.

A young guy, who I guessed was the farm-hand, and his buddy pulled up beside me and started shooting the breeze. I quickly noticed the driver’s features. He was a young man of about 30. He was unshaven and had a long, reddish brown goatee that peaked at the end. I must say that he had a unique look, almost unforgettable.  Even with a quick glance his image could easily burn into anyone’s memory.

When he reached forward and presented his hand for a friendly hand-shake something struck me that made my heart skip a beat.

A few years earlier I started writing a novel. Since I had a lot of extra time I figured I would get a jump on it and see where the road would lead me. I wanted to be very particular with my characters and their names. I sat on my couch in complete silence trying to find a name that I thought would be fitting for my main character. As names came and went I couldn’t find anything that really stuck.

Then, one night I woke up in the middle of a dream. The name was on the tip of my tongue. I quickly jumped out of bed and reached for a pen and piece of paper on my desk. I glanced at the clock and it read 3:10. I scribbled the name on the paper and clicked the light off. Within seconds  I was fast asleep.

The next evening I started writing my novel. Now, I had my character and away I went. I knew that once I had a good start I could come back to it at any time and continue my journey to the top of the mountain.

Well, time has gotten in the way and I had to push the novel aside in order to write and publish my first book on hunting. The book is filled with real-life stories and was very easy to write.

As I extended my hand and it met his, he didn’t have the hand-shake that I expected. I thought it would be very firm and rugged. Instead, it was a nice easy shake. Then, he introduced himself.

I stood there motionless and speechless. I’m not sure what he thought or even if he recognized it. When his lips moved and his name came forth he was the character in my book. His name was exactly the same. How was this possible? When I picked the name it came from nowhere. I didn’t know how or why I picked it, but now I was staring at a real live human being who had the same exact name.

He didn’t fit the description of my main character. As a matter of fact he wasn’t remotely similar, but the name was unmistakable. I didn’t ask him to repeat it because I heard it just fine the first time.

I haven’t thought about that day a whole lot until just recently. I realized how unique some meetings are. People are sent to us and it’s our job to find out what purpose they will serve in our lives. Some people are sent to help us through hard times, others are sent to make us laugh, while others are there to break our hearts. Each and every person we come in contact with has their own place in our world.

Every once in a while we meet that one person that we are absolutely certain we’re not supposed to miss. It’s almost like our prayers have been answered and they couldn’t have appeared at a better time.

Then, sometimes the person might appear at a great time to help us with something, but the wrong time for everything else. Life is funny about things like that. That’s why we should never get too far ahead of ourselves. We should take things at the speed that they happen and not rush forward. If we are patient things will play out the way they’re supposed to. The situation might bring us happiness or heartbreak or both, but we can’t force the issue.

A few days before the incident I wrote about above, one of my good friends had a similar situation happen to him. He had been working on a novel for the last handful of years. Earlier in the fall he had completed the book and sent it to the printer.

His book was a novel about hunting in the Adirondacks. He was on a personal and spiritual journey at the same time. As he tracked the buck he was after he eventually became close to him in a spiritual way. He called him Old Lefty because the buck had a chip in his left hoof.

Eventually he caught up to Old Lefty and completed his quest, both spiritually and personally. The buck sported 9 beautiful points on his rack.

Well, the same week I met the main character in my novel, my buddy met Old Lefty. His long-time hunting buddy who is a character in the book shot a nice buck that week. It was a main frame 9-pointer with a chip in his hoof. How ironic is that?

Sometimes the things that happen to us are beyond amazing. If we think about things long enough and hard enough they sometimes become a reality.

The last couple of weeks I can’t get these couple of things out of my head. When I met my character I knew instantly why I met him, but I haven’t been able to find out why he was sent to me if that makes sense.

I’ve met a few really significant people since early fall. That happens when you travel a lot. The more contact you have with people the better the chance you have of meeting a really unique person.

I’m still searching for an answer for a few of them. Sometimes the timing of the meeting makes the meeting much harder to comprehend. It seems as if the person appears just a little too late or a little too early. There are times that I wish I had the power to turn back time. If I could turn back time right now I would do it to help someone other than myself. If I had the power to do it, it might even give me everything I ever needed out of life. It’s so hard to tell.  Since our days are so limited I never want to rush forward because I thoroughly enjoy every day.

For now I keep flowing down the river like a drop of water. As I’ve said before, it’s a long and winding journey to the ocean. I will be battered against the rocks, tossed against logs and sent free-falling down waterfalls, but I will arrive in the ocean one day. I won’t try to find or force my way there. Instead, I’ll keep floating and know that the current of the river is in control. Hope will carry me where I want to go and my patience will be rewarded even if it requires a very long wait.

I often wonder if some people close to me have encountered situations like I’ve explained above. Have I ever been someone like my main character was to me? Has anyone ever met me and thought “He was sent to me for a reason?”

It’s probably one of those things that I will never know, but it’s kind of neat to imagine. Was II an established character in a novel before someone met me or was I a godsend for someone who needed some hope? I’m pretty sure I’m not a character because I have a rather boring name so I guess I’ll just hope that I was a hidden gem amongst a beach full of pebbles. Just maybe someone kicked away the lifeless pebbles and gently placed me in the palm of their hand for good luck on their journey. I can only hope so because I would love to go along for the ride.

I’m doing a book signing at The Crossroads store in Chestertown on Saturday 12/18 from 11am-2pm. I hope to see you there.

I’m also doing one at John’s Outdoor Sports on Dix Avenue in Queensbury on Tuesday 12/21 from 4-6pm. Stop in and say hi.

Today was a rough day on more fronts than one can imagine. Dad made his trip to the doctor’s office to find out what’s going on with that horrible cough that won’t go away. After the visit he learned that he has to be tested for everything under the sun to start ruling things out. Hopefully it won’t take long for them to figure it out.

I worked 11 hours today but it seemed like I didn’t accomplish anything. I couldn’t center my mind and it dashed from one thought to the next. When I finally decided to go home I couldn’t remember anything that I had done throughout the day. It’s amazing how we can go from having a relatively quiet mind one week to an overwhelmed and packed mind the next week.

Whenever I think that I have things figure out something comes out of nowhere and slaps me in the back of the head. All of our lives are based on timing. Some of the best things in our lives come about because of perfect timing while other things are lost in the shuffle because of horrible timing. There’s nobody that’s exempt to the results of good or bad timing.

Timing affects all aspects of our lives just as split second decisions do. Today as I sat at a redlight on my way home from work I recalled an incident at the same redlight from four years ago.  I still remember the day. It was late afternoon of New Year’s eve in 2006. I was in the beginning stages of what would turn out to be an eye-opening and mind-boggling divorce.  Not only was I lost in my own sorrow, it was also the same night of what would have been my anniversary.

I was coming down the hill toward the redlight that day. There was a slight coating of snow on the road and I glanced ahead at the redlight. My mind was a zillion miles away in someplace that I had never been. I really don’t know what I was thinking about. I looked up at the light and noticed that it was as red as Rudolph’s nose. I didn’t acknowledge it and continued on. Just as I got into the intersection of the main road I realized what I had done. I quickly glanced to my left and saw an 18-wheeler coming straight at me at what I guessed to be 50 mph. Although I saw it coming I never reacted………I just kept on driving.

Within seconds I was horrified. I realized that I came within a few feet of most likely losing my life. I realized that timing is everything long before that day but I was assured of it after that incident.

The timing of everything in our lives leads to something else. My divorce led to me writing and publishing my book. Without that experience I would still be doing the same old thing and living in a routine. I would be a single candle in the window of  an empty home on Christmas Eve. I’m not sure if I would be better off or worse off if I was still there. In the end it is what it is and new doors have opened for me.

I had a very long conversation with a friend of mine today. It was one of those conversations that was filled with happiness and a little sadness at the same time.

Throughout the conversation I thought about the whole timing thing again and this was before I even stopped at the redlight on the way home when it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’ve always tried to help people with any problems that they have. If I’m able to give some insight or lend a hand I’m more than willing to do so. There have even been a few times when I sat there without anything to say because I simply didn’t know what to say.

I feel very fortunate because I’ve helped people with lost pets, parents, siblings, friends and lovers. We all go through it and it’s nice for people to know that they have a person who will listen and offer thoughts from their past that might be similar.

When my world caved in it was nice to see that I had so many people who wanted to help me. I accepted some of it, but for the most part I figured I would keep things to myself and take it on the chin. Heck, I can handle anything……..or so I thought.

My mind has been jumbled lately. I think it might be time to start talking again. My conversation today was nice because it was unbiased and non-judgmental which is something we all need once in a while.

I used to think that I was one of the few people that often felt alone. I’ve realized that many people feel that way. I’ve also realized that a few special people take that feeling away, even if it’s only for a few fleeting seconds here and there. Is it right to ignore the feeling or is it better to acknowledge it?

I’ve made a habit out of ignoring it, but lately I just sit there and smile. I’m not sure where the smile comes from or why it’s there. In the last few weeks for the first time in a very long time I actually felt fully “Alive.” I felt a small bit of satisfaction in knowing that maybe I do make a difference in a few lives.

I’ve basically babbled for the last half  hour and if you haven’t noticed I’m completely lost so I think it’s time to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. I’ve done that for hours on end in the past and for some reason I think those days might be sneaking up on me again. I’m somewhat lost, but I know where I’m going if that makes any sense.  Sometimes when we’re driving on curvy roads we want them to straighten out so we can push the gas pedal closer to the floor. It’s something that’s not possible but we hope for it anyway. I’m on that road right now.

I’ll leave you with this link to a song that makes me smile. It’s by Rob Thomas and it’s called “Little Wonders.” Life is full of Little Wonders that we’re all able to experience. I’ve been very lucky to experience a few of them lately.  Until the next time try to remember, “The past isn’t usually as bad as we remember and the future won’t be as good as we anticipate. Live in the present because the present is a gift.” If you try to follow this as a guideline life will bring you where you’re meant to be. It might take a while to get there, but something or someone will surely guide you there. Be patient and enjoy the journey.

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas

Today was hectic at work. Since I came back to work on Wednesday it was hard to get back into the flow of things. We had monthly data that was due today as well as the vacation coverage that started yesterday. I had all I could do to stay focused and plow through the piles of paper on my desk.

I had to stop at my buddy John’s store, so I figured I would make that my last stop before heading home. It was relatively slow in the store so we had time to catch up on things in between customers coming and going.

Around 4:35 I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I looked at it and was excited to see that it was my good friend Steph Hamner from Maine. I hadn’t spoke to him in a while so I couldn’t wait to bust his chops. When I said, “Hello” there was nothing but silence. I could hear a little background noise, but nothing more. I said hello again.

At that point I could hear a woman’s voice. She asked for me. After I responded she told me that she was Steph’s wife which I already knew because I knew the call was coming from his phone. I figured she was calling me to order a book for him for Christmas. Before she had a chance to speak I said, “I saw that it was Steph on my caller ID and I couldn’t wait to talk to him.”

She broke down at that point and I instantly felt a few tears trickle down my cheek. I was in a public place and I couldn’t hold them in. His wife went on to tell me that Steph had died of a heart attack. I was speechless and felt helpless all at once.

She was having a very rough time talking. I could feel every ounce of pain through her voice and it settled into my chest. She told me how much Steph talked about me and my dad. She went on to tell me how proud he was to be our friends and that he had shown her my website.

It was extremely hard for me to absorb. My mind exploded with thoughts after our brief conversation which lasted no more than a few minutes.

I can still remember to this day the very first time I met Steph. It was on a hot, humid day in Pine Hill, Rhode Island during the summer of 1995. It was the final leg (archery) of the IBO Northeast Triple Crown. I was in the top peer group and Steph was in the second group.

He was a big man and talked a lot of smack. He tried to intimidate people with his size and looks as well as his mouth. Since I’m rather passive I looked him up and down and smiled. He commented “I’m going to get you before this is over.”  I politely responded, “Give it your best shot.”

The tournament was one of the toughest ones that I had participated in up to that point. I held my own and gained a lot of points on the second place man, who was Al Lane from New Hampshire.  When the smoke cleared and everything came to a close, I took home third place overall in the Northeast Triple Crown, and Steph was right behind me. From that point forward, we had a mutual respect for each other, and our friendship blossomed.

Although he was a good 15 years older than me, he always treated me with respect. I introduced him to my dad and they hit it off immediately. We all became pretty tight over the next 5-7 years. We traveled all over together and routed each other on while pestering each other at the same time.

A few years after the incident I just wrote about, we were all at a big shoot in Fall River, Mass. At the end of the first day we decided to go out to dinner.  When we arrived at the restaurant we couldn’t find a parking place. Steph had volunteered to drive because he had a fully dressed van that would easily accommodate all of us. As my father rode in the passenger seat, he spotted and empty place near the back of the lot and pointed it out to Steph.

Steph said, “Charlie, there’s no way I’m parking that far away. Reach in the glove-box and grab that thing in there for me.” Dad said, “What thing?” Steph laughed and said, “You’ll see it.”

Dad pulled out a handicap sticker and said, “This thing?” Sure enough that’s what Steph was talking about. Dad started ribbing him about it. Steph told us he had a bad back and he used the sticker in situations where he wasn’t sure his back would hold out.

Dad laid the sticker on the dash and all eight of us piled out and headed for the restaurant door. From that day forward we never stopped busting on Steph about his bad back and handicap status.

Although that was only one event, there were many more just like it over the years. He used to always make things up, too. I could never tell if he was being serious or if he was joking. I’m pretty sure he should have been a professional poker player or a spy…….he was that good.

One thing he was never shy about was his family. We used to always jab him about his wife. We asked how she could ever put up with him. We were convinced that she must be a saint. One thing that he said repeatedly over the years was that he never deserved anyone as good as his wife. He said that he couldn’t even begin to understand how she was able to put up with him. It was blatantly obvious how thankful he was for her and his family. I loved him for that because many men would never tell you that and mean it as sincerely as he did. He was truly thankful for his wife, and he loved her with everything he had. I’m not sure if it was obvious to anyone else, but it was really obvious to us.

I’ve struggled with the news for most of the evening and I’m sure I will for some time to come. Although I didn’t see Steph very often, I considered him a good friend. I know that he would have done anything for me if I ever needed something.

Although the phone call this evening was horrible, it also made me realize something. I must have had some type of positive impact on his life as he has on mine. If I hadn’t, I don’t think his wife would have contacted me. I’ll be forever thankful that she reached out during a horrible time for her and her family just to contact me and tell me the news. In some crazy way, it made me feel really good inside and somewhat special.

He had a voice that I will hear for the rest of my life. He was as unique a man as they come. To be honest, I can’t remember when the last time I saw him was, but I know that he was a guy that crossed through my thoughts on a regular basis.

We played phone tag a few times over the last year. Unfortunately we never connected, which is why I was so happy when I saw his name on my caller ID today. I knew that I was finally going to be able to chat with him for a while. I knew that he would bring a smile to my face, and I would surely get a few laughs. Unfortunately, that’s not what I got.

Instead, I felt a lot of pain in the voice on the other end and it instantly entered into my body. We’re all going to the same place at some point in time, but it seems that some of us go way too early. Steph was a great man and had a lot to offer anyone who was willing to get to know him.

I still remember the summer I saw him four years ago. Everyone around me didn’t know what to say or how to handle things. I was in the bottom of the barrel from my divorce. Most people tried to walk lightly and give the normal “keep your chin up” comments. I appreciated all of them. The one who took the big step was Steph. I hadn’t seen him in a while. We were shooting a practice round before the IBO World Championship in Indiana. He put his arm around me and said “I know it sucks, but you have to take control and make the best of it now. You have a new start, and you can do anything you want to now. I know you’ll do ok because you have it inside of you.”

That was all he ever said about it, and it’s all he needed to say. He was a true friend, and he spoke his mind as he saw fit. I respected him for that and learned a lot from it.We never spoke about it again, and from there, I went on to write and publish my first book.

We meet a lot of people in our lives. Some of them are insignificant while others play very important roles. Steph had his own place in my life. He was a man that I knew would take me in, in the bat of an eyelash, if I ever came on rough times. He was a good man who stuck to his word. If he was your friend, he was your friend for life. If you respected him, he gave the same respect in return.

I’m not sure where my life will go from here, but he will always be a part of it. He made me a better archer by breathing down my neck in tournaments. He let me know and made no bones about it that I would have to bring my A-game to beat him. He made me want to win even more than before.

I even remember one day that he was driving his 18-wheeler through town. He stopped at the archery shop that I shot out of just to say hi. I respected that and realized that I had a true friend.

I’ll always hear his voice and see his smart-ass grin when he knew he got me with one of his tall tales. I always remember shaking his hand or trying to. He would hold his hand out and pull it away at the last second. He would always make up for it by sticking it out, grabbing a hold of my hand and pulling me close to him while patting me on the back with his other hand. He always said the same thing over and over, too, which always stuck with me and does more than ever tonight.  He always said, “I love ya man, I love ya” and he would end it with a hearty laugh.

Well Steph I wish this wasn’t the way I had to do it, but it will have to be ok until I see you at a later date on my journey. I love ya man. I really love ya.

You will never be forgotten. In my world, every day from here is one day closer to you, not a day further away. God bless and goodnight. I’ll see you down the road good buddy.

Steph\’s Obituary

It has been a long time since I’ve been here. I’ve sat down many times, but I’ve been battling a writer’s block of sorts. Whenever I start something I can’t seem to make it flow. It irritates me so I sign off and give it up until a better day comes along.

Today was a gorgeous fall day.  Right from first light I knew what I was going to do when I got home from work in the afternoon. I would head to a place that I’ve been many times. I have some great childhood memories from this place as well as some extremely painful ones when I went there to be alone…….to get away from everything that was happening too fast all around me.

This day would be different. I would let my mind drift from thought to thought without acknowledging any of them. I parked my truck in a place that I haven’t parked in about 20 years.

As I got out and headed up an old logging road something seemed different. It didn’t feel like the same road that I had walked on so many other times. I quickly placed one foot in front of the other as I gradually climbed the mountain. I would go along the side of it and cut behind it before coming down the front side on my way back to the truck at dark.

I could hear the wind gently rustling the leaves in the tree-tops above me. There are many sounds that you can hear in the woods but this particular sound can only be heard the few weeks before the leaves steadily begin to fall.

As I moved along I enjoyed everything around me. I saw a few squirrels playing in the trees. I heard a flock of geese headed on their way to a warmer climate for the winter. I came across some bear scat and even saw some moose tracks. I felt overwhelmed, but I continued on.

Since I wasn’t in a hurry I decided to sit down on a fallen tree to take a break. I sat there and listened to the rustling leaves in the distance. Although I’m pretty sure it was squirrels I will never know for sure. It was a beautiful experience to sit there and use all of my senses.

Sometimes we take our senses for granted. I could smell a few things that can only be associated with fall. I could see the foliage without any problem at all and I could hear everything around me. It felt good to be alone.

I’ve traveled many roads alone. Sometimes that’s a good thing and other times it isn’t. For some unknown reason I feel the need to be alone right now. I have far too many things going on inside my head to be able to give anyone my undivided attention.

It’s amazing how some people can pick up on that and others can’t. I’ve always considered myself a good judge of a person’s character. This type of thing is a reflection of character. Some people read too far into it and others don’t see anything at all. It doesn’t really matter one way or the other to me. I just want everyone to know that it’s a complicated time that I need to find a way to simplify. I simplify things by going to the woods. I find peace of mind while I’m there. My soul rests easy when I’m in the forest. I feel like I’m in my home where I belong.

Sometimes my mind gets crammed full of events. Everything happens at once and it becomes hard to escape. That is why I enjoy this time of year. It allows me to take a step back and relax.

I sat on the fallen tree for about 20 minutes. When I stood up I was in no hurry. I slowly made my way to the top of the mountain. In some ways it seems like a very long time since I’ve been on top of the mountain. The valleys have been long and rough. Everytime I start gaining elevation I have to head into another valley to get to the mountain.

I can’t lie and say that the last few years have been easy because they haven’t. Life has been a whirlwind and I’ve encountered many things that I never imagined. I’ve tried to face everything with a positive attitude. Sometimes it’s hard to stay positive, but it’s much better than being negative. Negativity festers and eventually takes on a life of its own.

I’m not saying that I don’t have my negative moments, but I do try to stay positive about the most important things in life.

As the sun faded behind the mountain across the valley I knew that it was time to head down the face of the mountain. I was in a hurry to get to the bottom. I didn’t want to be walking in the dark.

I shuffled my feet through the leaves and before I knew it I was back to my truck. This evening had been something I’ve needed for a while. I needed to walk around without many thoughts in my head. I needed to make sure that all of my senses were working. I realized that it’s impossible to please everyone because sometimes we don’t really know what we need to please ourselves. I think I have a good idea what I need, but do we ever know for sure? That’s why it’s ok to make mistakes and take a few chances here and there.

I’m searching for a rested mind and soul. Hopefully I can find these things over the next two months. Tonight was a good start. As the leaves fall I will dash back in time to recreate memories while I’m out there making new ones. When the leaves settle onto the forest floor it will be a gentle reminder that I too must leave things behind in order for the new growth to begin next year. Good night and God Bless.

Inspirational Archer

A few months ago a friend sent this video to me. I have a habit of deleting a lot of emails without reading them. The title of this email caught my attention and I decided to open it. I’m glad I did.

Although I didn’t know what to expect I was more than ready get a little inspiration from an archer since so much of my time is taken up by archery. After I clicked on the link I sat there in awe as the video rolled. Since that day there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about it.

Every day I listen to people complain about everything under the sun. Some people complain of small aches and pains while others have legitimate gripes. I’m just as guilty of this as the next person. It’s unfortunate, but we all do it.

Four years ago this week I was hunting in southern Colorado. I had waited 5 years to draw a tag in this unit. The country was rugged and a few 14,000 foot peaks could be seen in the surrounding area.

My right knee was bothering me and I knew that hiking would put a strain on it. I brought my knee brace for extra support. It took about a week before we finally found where some elk were hanging out. Although it wasn’t far from base camp it was in some of the most rugged terrain I’ve ever hunted. There were places where we had to get on our hands and knees and crawl because it was so steep.

After a few days of hiking that mountain my knee was screaming out in pain. I didn’t complain. I felt extremely lucky that I was fit enough and young enough to make the climb every day.

We ended up killing a big bull on the top of that mountain. When we packed him out I had to take a few breaks to rest my legs. Normally I would take my legs for granted, but not on that day. I felt extremely fortunate to have full use of them even though my right knee was throbbing.

That trip instantly entered my mind when I watched the video above. I realized that far too many of us take the simple things for granted. I love archery and I also love to hunt. On top of that I love to be in God’s country in the heart of the Rocky Mountains.

If I could give my legs to the man in the video I would give them just so he could experience something that brings me so much joy. I don’t know the man any better than you do, but I admire him. When I listen to everyone piss and moan every day I would love to play this video for them. I would ask them if they really thought they had anything worth pissing and moaning about.

Some people are too ignorant to know the difference, but I’m sure others would figure it out in a hurry. I’ve always tried to be thankful for my health. I don’t have the best health in the world, but I don’t let my lifelong battle with Type 1 diabetes limit me. I make the best of the hand I’ve been dealt and I try to do the things that bring me happiness.

I’m sure the man in the video would like to do some things that he can’t do, but after watching the video I also know that he doesn’t let his “handicap” limit him.

I usually ramble on in my posts, but this one will be short. I don’t feel a need to ramble and lecture. All I have to say tonight can be heard in the video.

Do you really have a reason to complain about anything? Try to make the best out of any hand that is dealt to you and remember that there is always somebody that is suffering worse than you. Take advantage of the things that you can do and don’t let anything hold you back.

Always remember to help others, learn from them and let the cycle repeat. There’s nothing better than the satisfaction of contributing to something that carries on………….and on……………….and on.

Although I had a bad leg I was still able to pack the elk out.

As I tossed and turned in bed last night my mind wouldn’t rest. Instead of sleeping my mind brought me back to a moment in time that I couldn’t step away from no matter how hard I tried.

Sometimes our inability to open up can cause great pain to others as well as ourselves. Being stubborn isn’t a good quality to have and many of us wish we could leave it behind. Although the thought of it seems easy the actual undertaking of it is an entirely different beast.

Even if we feel a certain way we remain stubborn and don’t say anything. Every person has a different reason for doing certain things and being silent to the people who mean the most to you can sometimes lead them to believe that you don’t feel what they want you to feel.

In a moment of silence you can come across as uncaring or rude. Meanwhile, inside you’re dying. You usually know exactly what you want to say and you can feel it, but for some unknown reason your tongue is stuck to the roof of your mouth and the silence sends a message that seems so distant and cold.

Although you want to reach out and snatch the moment out of thin air, you let it go. You know that no matter what you say nothing will ever be good enough. You want to defend yourself, but it’s not possible because of your actions. The only person that will ever truly understand why you act as you do is you.

Sometimes we want to scream at the top of our lungs so the entire world can hear us, but nothing comes forward. The lips remain locked and you appear like an old Indian warrior with no emotion. The Indian’s job is to hunt and bring food back to the tribe. He loves his family,but he remains stone cold throughout his life. It’s hard to imagine, but he has lived this way since he put on his warrior paint when he was a young man. As with anything a few bad moments earlier in his life have created this stone cold feature.

When the tribe was attacked he became angry and vowed vengeance. As one experience led to the next he became further and further from the members closest to him. He might have been scared to let them in because he was afraid of losing them like so many others had been lost along the way. He might have wanted to keep them at a distance so he could center his mind on all of the tasks that he had to complete. He may have been stern and quiet because he didn’t want to show any weakness that might allow him to fall on his face.

So………….he remained quiet. His feelings were always just below the surface but he kept them to himself for an unknown reason. For any of us who have read Indian stories we know that it probably would have been easier for these warriors to let people into their world for comfort and security. Instead, they pushed everyone away and insisted on doing things their own way.

These habits were displayed over and over and eventually led to the destruction of a nation. It’s sad, but it still happens today.

I’m guilty of the same thing. I’ve been at a crossroads for a long time. Opening my mouth and letting the words flow would probably have been much easier, but I lurked in the background hoping that I would never have to face the reality of everything around me.

In many ways I had become too comfortable and I’ve finally paid the price. Some might see me as uncaring, but it goes so much deeper than it appears. I would like to explain myself away, but it’s not understandable to anyone but me.

What’s ok and what isn’t? My actions haven’t been ok and I can own up to that. Sometimes we need an eye opening experience to get us back on track. We have to step off the road of comfort and figure it all out while we travel across rough and rugged mountain roads that switchback through the steep hills and deep valleys. We might have to drive along roads with two wheels on the edge of a 500 ft. drop, but we have to keep moving forward.

I’ve always been afraid of heights so some of these roads are terrifying. I have to remember to stay focused and not look over the edge. Eventually we conquer our fears if we face them enough. We learn that we can overcome anything in front of us if we put our minds to it. The ones that get stuck in time are the ones that will always live in fear.

I’ve been stuck for a while, but thanks to one of my very best friends I’ve been slapped in the face with the realisation that it’s time to ride along the dirt roads on the edge of the canyon. If I freefall to the bottom at least I will have attempted to get to the end. If I sit there teetering on the edge of disaster my chances of falling are about the same.

I wish I could go back in time and react differently. Unfortunately I can’t. All I can hope for is a tiny bit of understanding. The understanding that it has been a long road. The understanding that I’ve been in hiding for a little too long now. The understanding that I’m now setting my mind in a different place in order to stay away from any situation where I stare into the darkness and say nothing. The understanding that losing out because of the failure to acknowledge great things is not acceptable.

I’m not sure how long this road is, but I’m hoping I’m at least 3/4 of the way to the end. I’ve been blessed to have a lot of guidance from a very special person. The person has been more than patient, more than giving, more than helpful and I’ve been nothing but a bump on a log. My goal is to somehow give back no matter how long it takes. I just want to say Thank You for the ear, the support, the laughs and the undying patience.

I’m on a mission. The road is taking me to the high country where the elk roam in the mountain meadows. Since I’ve been there before I’m sure everything will come full circle. I’ll be back in the near future to talk about my adventures.

A lot of things have happened over the last few weeks. I’ve spent quite a few hours on the road and I’ve had plenty of time to think about everything under the sun. In the course of the last two weeks I’ve driven through the Adirondacks to Utica, Inlet and Long Lake on separate occasions.

It’s amazing how the mind can center itself on one thing for long periods of time while you drive. It’s even more amazing how it can dash from thought to thought to thought with reckless abandon.

I’ve spent the majority of my “quiet” time thinking about my dog Theo. He isn’t well and it saddens me. I can’t complain because he has been the best friend anyone could ever ask for. He has tagged along behind me and never asked any questions. He has went for long rides with me and enjoyed the thrill of being able to stick his head out the window to let the breeze blow through his fur. He’s 15 and has lived a great life.

He has moved a handful of times over the last decade, but he always seemed happy when he settled into his new places. Sometimes it took a few weeks, but he always tried to make the best out of some inconvenient situations.

When I checked him in at the vet’s today I decided to wait outside until it was his turn to see the doctor. I could see his ears twitching and his legs shaking.  When he goes to the doctor’s office he always gets so nervous that he makes himself sick.

As we stood under the tree in the shade my thoughts dashed back to his childhood. I can remember the first day I got him like it was yesterday. I had spent the day in Massachusetts at an archery tournament. It wasn’t one of my better performances, but I tried my best as I always did.

On the way home I was a little depressed. All of that disappeared when I walked into the house and saw a black furry little dog that resembled a fox. He brought immediate joy to my world and he continued to do so for the next 15 years. He loved and still loves me unconditionally which is the greatest gift that anyone can ever receive. More times than not the only time many of us are loved unconditionally it is by our parents.

A dog is different. Theo has went on many rides with me. I’ve taken him for walks when I needed to be alone. I needed him to listen to me because I knew that he wouldn’t judge me or give any insight. He would simply walk beside me and listen. When I rested he would rest. He would wag his stubby tail and the happiness would shine from his face. His body language made it quite clear that he was content.

He stuck by my side when I went through hell and he laid beside me in bed many nights when I cried myself to sleep. Many times I reached over just to make sure he was close to me. When I felt his tiny head it gave me a sense of security and loyalty. He gave me things that I really needed. When the days seemed to be as dark as the nights he was always there. He didn’t give me lectures on what to do or how to handle certain situations. Instead, he just laid beside me and let me love him. Although I was at the bottom of the barrel I knew that he was happy. He was happy because I was loyal to him and he knew that I would look after him no matter where we went.

It was easy for me to see that he knew how bad I was hurting inside. If he could talk I’m positive that he would have offered me words of encouragement and support. However, he did more than enough by showing me in his own way that he understood. It’s something that only dog owners can truly understand.

I’ve tried my hardest to give him a good life although I’m sure I’ve failed from time to time. He’s like a child to me. I’ve had him since a month or so after he was born.

I’ll never forget the time he got sick in the back seat of the car in the Cumberland Farms parking lot. When I came out of the store and got back in the car I could smell something gross. Not sure what it was I began looking around. After a brief examination I found that he got sick, but it only lasted a few seconds. For some reason that experience created many laughs over the years. I haven’t laughed about that day in a long time, but today I quietly stood in the shade outside of the doctor’s office and laughed to myself. It was so long ago and he was so full of life. My life was good and so was his. We were both unsure of what would happen in the future, but we knew that we would always be together. Dog is certainly man’s best friend and this case is no different than any other.

Today was different than that day in the Cumberland Farms parking lot. Theo was breathing hard and the life that he was so full of has slowly been fading.

I can see that we probably won’t have much longer together and I feel selfish because I want to have him with me forever.

After our short visit we got in the car and headed home. In the old days he could jump into my truck and run around on the seat. Today he couldn’t even jump into the car at ground level. Instead, I gently picked him up and placed him on the seat. I patted him on the head and told him that I loved him. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, but I do hope that he knows what I said to him.

When we got home I let him go out in the yard by himself. He roamed around as if it might be his last time. I had a very hard time suppressing my emotions. After a few minutes he dashed across the front lawn like old times. It brought a smile to my face until he suddenly lost his balance and rolled down the hill and into the vines. As he struggled to get up I could feel the pain inside. I reached down and helped him off his back. He ran back up the hill and tumbled down the front steps. He was trying so hard to do what he did when he was younger, but the more he tried the worse it got.

Eventually he stopped and I picked him up and brought him inside. I let him lay down while I went outside to go for a walk. I let my feet guide me as I tried dealing with the events of the day.

My best friend isn’t suffering, but he’s getting older by the minute. The only thing I can hope for is that I’ve made him as happy as he’s made me. I hope that I helped him when he wasn’t feeling well just as he helped me.

I’m not sure what the coming days, weeks, months or years might bring, but I know that Theo has been the best gift that I’ve ever received. He has helped me to be a better person. He has taught me to ride through life and quietly listen rather than talk. It’s amazing how much I’ve learned from my little buddy and he has never uttered a word. Thank you Theo for showing me the way.

A week ago tonight I was still recovering from my trip to the Bronx on Friday night. When I bought the Yankee tickets I didn’t realize how significant they would become the week of the game.  There was no way of knowing that the Yankee owner George Steinbrenner and long time public address announcer Bob Sheppard would both die a few days before the game.

Before the game started they had a tribute to both men. It was an experience that I could never truly relate to someone else. In short, you just had to be there. With just shy of 50,000 people in the stands the normal electricity before a game wasn’t there. Instead, the fans waited for the moment of silence before the game.

When everyone bowed their heads it was amazing when the only thing that could be heard was the flags with all the championship years on them flapping in the wind. Although the wind was fairly calm where I was sitting, you couldn’t miss the sound of the flapping flags above the stadium. Halfway through the few minutes of silence a train’s horn could be heard in the distance, but it wasn’t enough to take away from the message the flags were sending. It was almost as if the wind was taking something out of the stadium.  I would like to go on and on about it, but I’ll just leave it there so you can imagine it on your own.

Once the game got going the crowd was somewhat quiet, but there really wasn’t much to cheer for until the later innings. When Nick Swisher tied the game in the bottom of the 8th inning it electrified the crowd and things began to get back to normal.  After a stressful top of the 9th we all knew that we might be able to witness something that would be referred to as a Yankee Classic for years to come.

Once again Nick Swisher came through to get the job done. He ripped a single to right field which scored Curtis Granderson and the stadium erupted in celebration. The crowd remained standing and cheered for a solid 5 minutes after the game. It was something that I will never forget.

We walked briskly to the car once we got out onto the street and shortly after we were headed home. With the city lights quickly disappearing behind us we chit-chatted back and forth about the events that we witnessed over the last 6 hours. We all had a different perspective even though we witnessed the same exact thing.

Although it was a long ride home the energy kept us going until we arrived in town around 3am. I was happy to crawl under my covers and close my eyes on yet another great day in my life.

Once again I was fortunate enough to have experienced a memorable event with my family and friends. It made me realize how precious the good times that you spend with the people who are close to you become as life moves forward. Some of us are more fortunate than others in that manner.

I’ve always tried to do the things that bring happiness and fulfillment to my life. I can’t remember too many times when I did it by myself. If you can’t experience great things with other people it leaves an emptiness that isn’t necessary. That’s why I’m always careful while choosing the company that I keep.

I had to save this entry last night because the computer wasn’t cooperating. I decided I would come back to it today if I had the time.

I headed to Long Lake this morning to drop some books off at Hoss’s Country Corner. They called yesterday and told me they were interested in carrying the book. This gave me incentive to start my push for the end of the summer and early fall.

On the way home I stopped at Sporty’s Iron Duke Saloon in Minerva to drop off some more books. Sporty was glad to put the book behind the counter for me. He also informed me of our upcoming family get-together in late September.

It’s hard to believe that fall will be here in a few months. The days go too fast. My ride was peaceful today. I went at my own pace and enjoyed my own company. Although it would have been nice to socialize with someone along the way I was perfectly content being by myself. It gave me time to thing about everything, yet nothing at the same time.

When you’re in the north country it’s amazing how insignificant you can feel. When you’re surrounded my miles and miles of uninhabited land it gives you an appreciation for the finer things in life.

On my trip I stopped outside of Olmstedville to take a quick look at the elk farm on Alderbrook Road. I haven’t been by it in about 4 years so I didn’t know what to expect. The small pine trees that surround the farm had grown high enough to make visibility marginal at best. I could still see a few elk wandering around. One of them had a dandy of a rack. It felt good to see elk. The last elk I saw was in 2006 which was the last time I hunted them.

Although I don’t miss the drive across the country I do miss my annual elk hunting trip. I always looked forward to it every September, but for some reason every year it came too quickly. It seemed as if I was never prepared. I hope to return to the Rocky Mountains of southern Colorado some day, but for now I have many great memories that bring a smile to my face when I sit back and acknowledge them.

Today was a good trip. Me, the truck and bare pavement beneath the wheels……………..solitude. A quiet mind for a few hours without much of anything wandering around between my ears. It was something I needed and possibly something I will be doing more of in the coming weeks.

I’ve found happiness in many places, but the only place I’ve ever found true silence is in the woods. Fall is coming and I will go to the woods to sit and listen to the sounds of nature. You never know what you might hear or who might talk to you and that is why I return year after year.

The heat this week has been unbearable at times, although I sucked it up and played softball every night of the week. As I sit here tonight the heat has finally subsided to more reasonable temperatures and there is a soft pitter patter of rain falling against the leaves outside.

Last week my buddy Neil called me to see if I could be a sub for one of his softball teams. Since I knew the majority of players on the team I decided I would fill in. It was a last minute thing and I was far from being mentally prepared when I arrived in the bottom of the first inning. I was introduced to the guys that I didn’t know and the game went on. Since I got there late I was inserted into the bottom of the line-up behind the catcher. Although he was a catcher in this league, he was also a pretty good pitcher on the Thursday night league. The Thursday team has been the cream of the crop in that league for many years. Last year in the first game of the season my team was lucky enough to beat them which caused panic across the league because we never should have beaten them. They went on to have a good season and that game was the one of their two losses for the year. I remember it so vividly because I hit a towering home-run to center field. It felt good and sealed our 8-3 victory. I hit the HR off the same guy I would be batting behind on that Tuesday night.

We trailed for most of the game and entered the last inning down by 5 runs. Somehow with 2 outs we rallied and came back to tie the game. We stranded the game winning run on third base. The game only lasted one more inning as the opposing team scored 2 runs and shut us down for the win.

We all chit-chatted for a little bit after the game and headed our own ways. The following Monday Neil called me to fill in once again. This time the news wasn’t so well. I would be filling in for the catcher. He had unexpectedly passed away on Sunday evening. I was stunned because it didn’t seem possible. Since we weren’t close enough for the event to have a big effect on me it still bounced around inside my skull for the remainder of the week.

I played on Tuesday night with the deceased man’s nephew and his best friends. They were all down, but they gave their best effort under the circumstances and came away with a win. The win didn’t make anything easier and had no relevance on the events that had transpired over the last few days. However, the game was played for him and in memory of him which his buddies will be able to take with them for the rest of their lives.

The rest of the week it made me reflect on how precious every single minute of our lives can be. Far too often we don’t realize that we can be gone tomorrow. We could go to bed and never wake up or something could happen on our way to or from work. Death has no favorites or schedule. It takes the sick as well as the healthy. It gets some people when they are far too young and takes others far too late. There’s no way of telling if it’s too early or too late with every individual.

The secret is to make sure you do things in life that make you happy. You can’t hide behind fears, obsessions and second guessing. If you do you could lose someone before you ever have a chance to share things with them or even talk to them about the little things in life. You could go on living in your own little world because it’s just fine that way and you don’t see any reason to do anything differently.

There’s such a wide variety of reasons why we do the things we do, but in the end very little of it makes any sense. Most of us live in fear which can be crippling if it goes on too long. Eventually we become immune to it and we don’t even realize what it has done to the quality of our lives. Actually, very few people can see it because from the outside everything appears “normal.” It’s the few people that are close to us that know the real deal and have no problem seeing the writing on the wall. More often than not these people are the ones that we keep them at a distance.

It makes absolutely no sense and (for some reason) no matter how hard we try we can’t get beyond whatever holds us back.

I’ve been lucky throughout my life and I’ve always told people that if I died tomorrow I could easily say that I’ve lived a complete and full life. This has been made possible by my parents and family and a few other people that I have shared moments with on my journey through life. I’m thankful for every one of them whether they hurt me or helped me. They have all helped me become who I am today and I’m happy and satisfied which is more than I can say for many other people.  I’m truly content from the inside out.

I will continue doing the things that I love because these things bring a peaceful balance in my life. Although I say that I feel that I have lived a complete life I also feel that there is more than I could ever do in a lifetime that awaits me. I thoroughly enjoy life and all of the high and low moments.

When the low moments sneak up on us they sometimes can be devastating, but if we take the time to step away and analyze them we sometimes see a picture that was never visible before.  The picture shows us the way and makes us realize that those low moments were essential for our growth as individuals.

There have been times when I thought I was on a sinking ship. The water poured over the sides and the ship quickly began to head to the depths of the world beneath the sea. However, I put my life-jacket on and held on for dear life once the bow of the boat plunged downward. The seas were rough and I was washed around in heavy swells as my body longed for a safe haven.

Tired, worn out, dehydrated and beaten I eventually washed ashore. I learned how to live again and started over halfway through my life. I’ve never felt so fortunate to experience what I have experienced. It’s even more gratifying to have been given a second chance to make the most of my life and what the future holds for me.

I can still hear the rain outside. It’s far better than all of the monkey chatter that has been bouncing off the inside of my head for days on end. It’s soothing and relaxing. I’ll leave the window open tonight to hear my tree-frog friends (that live across the road) sing all night. Although I have no way of telling, they sound genuinely happy so I’ll assume that I’m right in thinking so.

When people pass up the good things in life they sometimes miss the GREAT things in life. There’s a fine line, but you must decide if you’re content with the direction your life is going. If you kid yourself into thinking everything is ok it can sometimes be a very long road in front of you. As with an alcoholic sometimes it’s just easier to admit that you have to deal with something that has hid below the surface for a long time.  As a gladiator looks a tiger in the eye you must do the same………..After all we are all responsible for our own happiness and we are the only ones that have total control over where our lives go and how we spend the time.

I’m going to listen to my friends sing tonight. If I could live one night in their world I would surely join them. I believe they have a simple life that treats them well. They don’t overthink and they don’t live in fear. Instead, they dance in the rain and sing all night.