Todd Mead's Blog

A lot has happened over the last few weeks. As with anything time seems to slip away faster than I would like.

I went to my nephew’s graduation ceremony on Saturday. I can remember when I started my first job out of college. As odd as it sounds it seems like it was a lifetime ago. However, shortly after I started that job my nephew was born. He was cute right from the get-go. He was adorable and had a very warm personality. A smile was very natural on his face.  As one day turned to the next so did the weeks and months. Before long the years started passing by as if they were days. In the blink of an eye he went from being a child to a young man who is headed to college.

His life has revolved around hockey. He has breathed hockey since he was old enough to place his foot in a skate. Hockey has brought many moments of glory and happiness, which in turn brought a few experiences filled with frustration and shattered dreams. No matter how you look at it hockey has molded him into the person that he is today. It taught him the value of losing and winning. It also taught him a type of discipline that few others will ever see. Even when things weren’t going as planned he played until the final horn sounded.

As he sets off to college at the end of the summer he’ll have to bring many of these lessons with him and realize that what he learned growing up are the building blocks for his life.

We all gain knowledge in different ways. I learned discipline through diabetes and the battle that it presented every single day through my early years and into today.  If the blocks are set out in front of us it is our responsibility to build something positive with them.

I’m not worried about him succeeding in college. I do have my concerns about the initial stages of the college experience. One of the things that I’m the most proud of is the fact that I attended a college known for huge parties and I refrained from going down the wrong path. It didn’t stop me from having fun, but I also didn’t put myself in any situations that could have left and everlasting imprint on me.

It might have taken me 4 years, but I learned how to grow up more than anything. Yes, I did gain a little more education than I previously had, but the experience was more about learning to live on my own, and more simply put, to grow up.

For a long time I considered my college years the best years of my life. While I still hold them close to my heart I no longer think that they were the best. After I got out of college and set foot into the working world I was blessed with the ability to do many things that I had only dreamed about. This was all made possible by my parents. If more children had parents like mine I’m absolutely sure the world would be a better place.

In some ways that’s why I know that my nephew will be successful in whatever he chooses to do. Much of his life up to this point has been spent around my parents (his grandparents) and they have taught him many of the things that they taught me. His own mother and father have also played a huge role in his development which will only benefit him now that he is about to begin another chapter of his life.

The ceremony only lasted two hours, but I carried it with me for the next few days. When I saw all of the kids receive their diplomas it seemed like it was another lifetime that I was in their shoes.

It’s actually scary. Some people wander through their lives searching for meaning and before they know it their time is up. I’ve never searched for meaning. I’ve always tried to make my own meaning. I do the things I like and I avoid the things that bring too much frustration. Too many people search for happiness rather than doing what makes them happy.

I’m probably a little guilty of making myself a priority. I always try to take care of number one before anything else. In order to make others happy we have to be happy with who we are. I feel very fortunate that I’ve never had a problem in that area. It’s a shame when we watch people who are never happy. They always point fingers and search for happiness from people and material things. I can’t imagine living that way.

My mind is a jumbled mess tonight. I thought it was clear, but the longer I sit here it’s obvious that it’s not. My mind has had a little too much monkey chatter lately. I need quiet time to let it settle. Hopefully I can find it so0n.

The last month has been a blur. So many things have happened I can’t even begin to explain everything. Mom was finally able to come home from Albany Med. It was a nerve-wracking couple of weeks when they were trying to figure out what was wrong. I think my family was struck with every emotion that exists. One day it was brain cancer and the next they had no clue what it might be. It appears that it’s a severe viral infection in the brain.

It’s very hard to see anyone suffer, but to see the ones that you love the most makes it even more difficult. Almost all of us gain traits from our role models, which in many cases are our parents. I can only hope that I have a quarter of the strength that my mother has. No matter what they tell her she always has a positive attitude and says “bring it on.” In instances where so many other people would quit she buckles down and insists that she will be the winner in any battle.

When I drove back and forth to the hospital I tried to imagine myself in the same situation. I’m not sure what I would do or how I would react. I guess I would have to take it on the chin and move forward.

Many of the minutes that passed by while driving brought me in and out of a variety of thoughts. It struck me how quick our lives can change and we can’t do anything about it. They could change by a freak accident, by a long term illness or a simple word. All of our lives can take a different direction in a split second. Sometimes we have control and sometimes we don’t. I guess that’s the beauty of life. Life doesn’t slow down or stop for anyone. It moves from second to second, minute to minute and year to year. Unfortunately, we too often get stuck and the time sucks us in before we realize how much of it has passed. We can’t get it back, yet we don’t do anything to make the most of the time we have.

I’ve also realized that unlike the work-place, illnesses such as cancer have no favorites. Cancer can strike anyone, whether they’re the manager’s pet or the least liked person in the building. It comes quietly and strikes without warning. We can try as hard as possible to hide from it, but in the end we have very little control over it. It shows no mercy and has no feelings for the people that it overtakes. Nothing can be done for the suffering and although we watch people slowly fade away we can’t step in and offer our help. All we can do is sit there and pray for relief.

Every night when I go to bed I say a few short prayers. I’m not overly religous and never have been, but I have always been spiritual. I never realized how many people pray until many of my friends asked what my mother’s name was.  I’m different in that manner. When I pray I do it in a wide spectrum such as “please look after all of my friends and family and help all of them through any rough times that may come upon them.” Everyone finds their own way, but that is mine.

I could ramble for a while tonight, but none of my thoughts are lining up well enough to write clearly this evening. I’ll try to make time to come back another night this week and tackle this with a little more substance. I’ve had the time to write lately, but I just haven’t sat down to do it. I need to get back at it because it brings me something that I need.

Dad won a gold medal at the NY State Senior games in archery this past weekend. He hasn’t shot his bow since my mother was admitted in Albany Med. Some people wondered how he was able to do well, but I didn’t. I remember when I was going through hell while I was in the middle of my divorce. I was having  hard time dealing with all of the emotions, but I still chose to shoot the National Triple Crown. Somehow I found a way to get through. I ended up that with two top 10 finishes at national events and a 7th place finish at the World Championship. It was extremely hard to set my emotions aside and get from one day to the next. When I picked my bow up it allowed my mind to be at peace for a couple of hours a day. It was the only “quiet” time that my mind had during the process. It affected me for many months, but the bow and arrow always brought me to a place that I needed.  I think the same might have happened for dad over the weekend. I was surprised he went shooting, but I’m glad he did. Way to go Dad!!! Since I don’t shoot much anymore and you’re doing well it makes me route for you even more.  I haven’t forgotten all of those miles you put on while driving me all over the country so I could find the success that I was able to achieve. Thanks again………..I’m glad it’s your time now.

As each day fades into another night try to take time to sit back and be thankful for everything in your life, from the big things to the small things. It’s amazing how everything can change in the snap of a finger. Instead of putting things off you better jump in before it’s too late. It’s probably better to say you tried than to realize too late that you missed out on an opportunity that might never ever present itself again.

The other day I woke up a little late and rushed around the house as I got ready for work. Nothing seemed to be going right and I didn’t want to be late for work because I needed to get out on time to run errands later that day.

When I finally opened the cellar door a brisk chill slapped me in the face. It was a raw, gray day. Rain pelted me from above as I quickly made my way to the truck. After I backed out of the driveway and began my journey to work the rain became heavier. By the time I reached the city it was necessary to turn my windshield wipers to a higher setting.

When I glanced at my watch I knew that it was going to be a race to get to work on time. That’s when I decided to take a different route than I normally take. I figured I would take a few side streets to avoid the hassle of stopping at red-lights. Although I usually enjoy the down-time when I’m stopped, I felt something tugging at me to change my routine. My heart raced, but everything else seemed like it was in slow-motion.

As the wheels hummed over the pavement beneath me the rain began to pound off the windshield with a fury all its own. I would only have to stop at 2 red-lights this way compared to the normal 7.

When I approached the first light I saw what looked like a man, riding a bicycle, in the distance. He was coming up the street on the other side of the light. Since this light takes forever to change I sat there patiently and listened to my heart beat inside my head.

Suddenly, the man catapulted off from his bike and lay motionless in the road. The light turned green and I slowly approached the fallen bike rider. As I got closer I could see that he was in his early thirties. He was dressed in khaki pants and a dress shirt. He had a home-made poncho covering his body. The poncho was made out of a clear garbage bag.

I pulled up next to him and got out. I asked him if he was ok. He responded that he was ok. After that I asked if I could help him out or take him to wherever he was going. He said he would be ok and didn’t need anything that he could think of. He told me that the front tire of the bike hit a pot-hole which made him fall to the ground.

As I walked back to my truck he did something that made me feel really good. I’m not sure why, but it just hit the spot. He said, “Hey, I just want to say thank you for stopping to make sure I was ok.”

I hadn’t thought twice about it. When I saw him on the ground I figured he was ok, but I felt that it was my obligation to stop just to make sure. I don’t know his name and I don’t know anything about the man. The only thing I can hope for is that if he’s ever in a similar situation on the other end that he will do the same for someone. First impressions are everything. The meeting was very brief, but I got the idea that he was a good man with a kind soul. I could see how thankful he was for my concern.

After I told him that it wasn’t a problem I continued on my journey toward work. There was no doubt I would be late at that point. Ten minutes earlier I would have done anything in the world to make sure I wasn’t going to be late. Then, without hesitation, all of the previous thoughts disappeared from my head like water evaporating from a pond. I figured I did a good deed and if I was lucky some day someone might return the favor to me. That’s all that really mattered.

The rest of the day went quickly. I was still able to run my errands without interference from anything else. Over the last few days I wondered whether or not most people would have stopped.  To me it was a no brainer, but I also realize how many people would have considered it a no brainer to continue driving without acknowledging the man flopping around in the puddle on the street. Every circumstance brings different actions with it.

Over the weekend one of my closest friends in the world moved to a new place to live. She had spent the better part of 18 years in the place that she said goodbye too. Although I had to move a few years ago my situation was much different. She had to move because her landlord didn’t pay the mortgage and the house went into foreclosure. She didn’t have a choice in the situation which must have made it extremely tough.

When you have half a lifetime of memories in one place it’s very hard to leave all of that behind and start new. She remained strong and did the best she could with it, but I could still feel the pain as a distant observer.

We can all hide things from others, but many times the people closest to us can feel in some small way some of the things we are feeling, too. I could relate to the sudden change in an entirely different way. While some people can pick up and not bat an eyelash, it takes a while for others to become comfortable. We have to realize that everyone goes at their own pace. We can’t speed them up or slow them down. We just have to accept the way they do things and give them support when they need it. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what they need and we remain quiet. We hope that they know that we care and that our silence has its own meaning.

As one day leads into the next this spring and summer try to make good first impressions for anyone you might come in contact with. Sometimes that first impression will be the only one you are ever able to make.

As I was strolling down the hill last night after hitting some golf balls and launching some arrows it was hard not to notice the tractor-trailer minus the back-end pulling into the driveway.

I knew who it was because the person told me a week earlier that he would be in town. I was interested to hear about his life and where it had taken him over the last few years.

The last time we spoke I was in my driveway on Rainbow Trail when he drove by and swung in for a chat. It was good to see him back then as it would be on this night, too.

We grew up in the same neighborhood. You can call it Frog Hollow, although I was from on top of the hill above the hollow. There were many kids in the neighborhood that were all within 4-5 years of each other. Some had more than others, but we were all kids in search of friendship and wild adventures that we could share together. As with any kids we did our fair share of arguing and making up. A few fist fights here and there were all part of the growing process as well. All in all I think we learned small things from one another as every year inched us closer to adulthood.

Eventually we started falling into our routines and life began sending us in many different directions. Some of us remained close and others seemed like they were swept away in a funnel cloud. A few of us even married and gave that a whirl until we figured out that it just wasn’t meant to be. Now that we’re all adults it’s neat to see who ended up where and it’s even more amazing that most of us still have contact from time to time. It’s nothing like it was when we shared the larger part of every summer day together, but it still says something in a simple way.

Well, anyhow the “coke-bottle” (as they called him in school because of his lack of shoulders) slid down out of the big rig. His hearty and genuine smile welcomed me as I had made my way down to the driveway. I’m not sure how I could tell, but almost instantly I knew that after many years he had finally found his place in this world. He didn’t have to tell me and I didn’t need any time to figure it out. His aura made it perfectly clear. It made my soul warm right to the bone. If anyone deserves to find their way he is definitely one of those people.

All of us experience different upbringings. As I watched from a distance his was a little rougher than normal. He lost his mom at a very young age and was left to fend for himself in the years that followed. He hit a few too many speed bumps along the way and ended up in trouble more often than not. He spent some time staring out from behind the bars, probably wondering if things would ever turn around.

I agree that you are a product of your own environment. However, there comes a time where you ultimately become responsible for your actions. You can’t continue to blame the status of your life on other people. Everyone is faced with choices and it is our responsibility to choose things that will put us in a better place.

I asked where home was and he told me that he now lived in South Carolina. I couldn’t have been happier for him. He went on to tell me that one day he just had enough and decided to head south. He didn’t know what he would find, but he knew he had to get away from the life that he was so accustomed to in this area. Instead of letting things spiral any further out of control he decided to finally take control and make his life better. Shortly after he arrived in South Carolina he realized that long-haul trucking was what he was destined to do.

He told me that there’s no better way to see the country than through the window of an 18-wheeler. I was excited to listen to him talk about his experiences on the road. As he spoke of the many places he has traveled in this great nation it was almost overwhelming. I know that I’m very fortunate, but it made me appreciate it even more when he was talking.

When we were kids I didn’t know if he would ever find his way, especially as we grew into our mid to late teens. While I’m sure that some others in the neighborhood will never find their way, I am absolutely positive that he has finally arrived in the place that was meant just for him.

One of the other kids in the neighborhood is moving to New York City next week. While I’m not close to this person and don’t know hardly anything about her I’m almost certain that she is searching too hard for her place. She’s taking a risk that might not be worth taking. Unlike him, she doesn’t have that clear sense that it is time to go. Instead of knowing, she’s taking a leap into an unknown land almost hoping that something will find her instead of  finding something for herself. It’s a scary situation at best.

I’ve watched some of the other kids move from house to house to house in search of material wealth. The more I own and the more expensive my belongings cost the better I am. It’s very sad to watch from afar. It’s hard to believe that people base their happiness and well being solely on material gain. This reminds me of a quote that one of my friends told me his grandfather told him as a child. It reads something like this: “Be very careful of what you become in pursuit of what you want.”  I’ve watched people with my own eyes become so self-absorbed that they can turn their backs on people that gave them everything and walk away without anything as good as a simple good-bye.

I’m not sure that I’ve found my “spot” yet, but I know that I’m not far from it. My mind is at rest and I’m at peace inside. In all reality I couldn’t ask for much more than that because those things bring me happiness. I don’t need money, a fancy home, fancy car or anything material to show that my life is good. I base the success of my life on the people that constantly return to see me. It makes me realize that somewhere along the way that I must have been a good friend to these people. I always gave people an honest opinion even if I thought it would hurt them. I called a spade a spade which I believe earned the respect of others.

As the saying goes, “treat people as you want to be treated and it will come back to you ten-fold.”  I have to agree. I’m glad that many of my childhood friends come back, even if they disappear from time to time. I’m not the best friend at contacting people, but I’m very thankful that they are. There are a few others in the neighborhood that I wish hadn’t left us so soon and others that I will never understand, but I’m thankful that I shared my early years with each and every one of them no matter where the journey of  life has taken them.

As he clicked the lights on and fired up his big rig I turned my back, walked up the driveway and smiled. I was truly happy for him. If anyone needed to find the place he was destined to be in, it was him.

I wish a few others could learn from this and realize that happiness comes from within. You don’t need substitutes such as drugs, alcohol or material gains to find happiness. The secret lies deep within us. We hold the key to happiness and we’re the only one that has the power to unlock it. We can’t find happiness in others until we find it in ourselves. However, some people jump from person to person to person to find a perceived happiness. It only lasts for a short time because it’s simply impossible to live through someone else. It sets us up for disappointment and failure.

It should be easy to look in the mirror and see if you’re in “the place.” If the person staring at you isn’t smiling chances are you should keep on searching. Better yet, don’t search so hard. Instead, focus all of your energy on doing things that make you happy. If you enjoy shopping go shopping. If you enjoy golfing go golfing. If you enjoy spending time with certain people set time aside and ask those people to do more things with you. You have to keep growing inside as you age. That’s the secret to finding your way.

With every passing day the vision gets clearer. I’m waiting to walk into a dream to see where it might take me. Heck, dreams only last a few seconds,

A Heartbeat from Heaven

so I’m sure I’ll end up someplace that I can easily escape from if I don’t like it. One foot is in………………………………..and the other is dangling.

Last week I woke up before daylight and got ready to head south. After I organized my archery stuff and loaded it into the truck the sky was slowly becoming gray.

Before long the darkness disappeared and blue sky welcomed me for my trip. As I pulled out of the driveway I quickly planned my route in my head. I knew I had to go to the bank to get some money. Since the bank shares a parking lot with Stewarts I would be able to  grab a cold drink to start the day.

Before long I was on the Northway. I’m not sure why, but traveling on the Northway first thing in the morning is one of my favorite things to do. I’ve never thought about the reasons that I like it. It might be because the day hasn’t started for so many people and I’m already on the go. It could be because I’m on a road that thousands of cars will drive on before the end of the day, but for the moment I share it with only a couple of cars here and there.

I also love this time of year when the air has a brisk chill to it. It’s probably nice because I know that as one hour leads into the next it will gradually get warmer. When the cold air enters my lungs it fills me with positive energy. I’ve never pursued the reason why this happens. I accept it and take it all in.

The weather has been nice lately. Many of the activities that I enjoy are starting, too. I’m trying to get my bows ready for outdoor archery. That has been trying my nerves to say the least. I’ve had a few days where I want to wrap my bows around a tree or two, but I push forward. Maybe I’ll figure it out one of these days. I would really like to shoot well this summer. It has been a long time since I’ve put a bow together that just fell into the right place without much work going into it. That’s what I’m hoping for over the next few weeks when I change some strings and cables.

I started practicing for summer softball leagues. Games start in two weeks. Although the leagues only last 10 weeks a year it ranks up there as some of the best times that I experience throughout the year. Hopefully I get the same enjoyment out of it this year once it gets rolling.

As I looked in my rearview mirror the miles began to pile up behind me. Still, not many people were on the road and my solo journey continued. I knew where I was going, but it also felt like I was on a road to nowhere. The truck was quiet as I chose not to have the radio on. I enjoyed each and every minute of the silence. I felt the vibration of the tires on the pavement and the gentle hum was enough to quiet my mind. I would like to say that I’ve had a quiet mind lately, but in all reality I can’t. I guess I could pretend if I wanted to fool myself, but I have no interest in doing that.

I take the time to address the random thoughts that criss-cross through my head throughout the day. I might not give them much attention, but I do acknowledge that they are there.

I’ve had a recurring thought that seems to sit on my shoulder like a pet monkey. He jabbers in my ear and I almost think he enjoys sitting there. I don’t ask him for anything and I don’t talk to him when he speaks. However, I do listen. I try to make sense out of the random things that spew from his mouth. Sometimes it’s harder and takes longer than others, but I always find a way to understand.

Well, that’s a topic I could spend a few days on so I’ll leave that behind me for now and come back to it when I feel like sharing my thoughts in more depth.

As for now I’m going to enjoy the spring and all of the wonderful things that there are to do. I’m going to give golf a whirl once again this year after last year’s mess. I hope that I can find enjoyment in the game again because I really like the challenge and the peace and quiet that being on a course can bring.

Something, somewhere along the ocean, is calling me. I’m not sure why it’s calling or what is telling me to go there, but I can hear it. It has been a long time since I’ve been to the Maine coast for rest and relaxation. I feel that it’s time again. Maybe I can sit on the jetty in Wells Beach and figure out what’s going on. Heck, I might not figure anything out other than I just needed to get away to gain a new outlook on things. I was going to go last year at this time, but my plans fell through. This year I think I need it for other reasons.  I’ll have to see how I feel about it over the next couple of weeks.

As for now I’m off to lay my head on my pillow. My body has ached in pain over the last few months when I wake up. I know that it’s a sign of getting older. It’s all of the athletics finally catching up to me. That’s why I don’t say much about it and I don’t complain. Although it hurts like hell some days, I accept it for what it is. My body is beaten, but I do the best I can with what I have. It could always be worse.

As the traffic becomes heavier as one hour leads into the next, life also becomes more difficult with the many decisions that must be made. Cars try to merge from one lane to another while others dash to and fro. I’m content to stay in the middle lane for a few more miles, but I know I’m on the verge of putting the blinker on, putting pressure on the gas pedal and moving on out. Your instincts always have a way of guiding you through the traffic if you sit back and trust them. They’ll show you the way and before long you’ll be back on the empty road in the morning hours.

For the first time in a very long time I left work after 8 hours yesterday. It felt a little strange at first, but it didn’t take long to feel at home. Since I’ve been leaving during the peak of rush hour lately the ride home as been slower than normal.

Yesterday I encountered a sight that was hard to put into the back of my mind. As I sat at the red-light on South and Glen streets my thoughts drifted from parts of the day that were behind me to parts I hadn’t reached yet. When the light turned green I slowly accelerated and made my way down the street in front of the Queensbury Hotel. As I glanced out the side window I caught a movement that drew me in and held me there. The movement was an older man walking down the sidewalk. It was clearly visible that something wasn’t quite right. If I had to guess I would say that the man suffered from a stroke. His balance was off and one side of his body seemed limp compared to the other. I felt sorry for him for a moment. The sight of this man made me realize how fortunate I have been up to this point.

I hear people complain every day about everything under the sun. I’m guilty of this as well. However, I also have a great appreciation for people who struggle mightily and still find a way to stay positive. Although I didn’t know the man and don’t have a clue how he acts, I gave him a life of his own through my thoughts after I passed him and turned onto Ridge Street.

I put myself in his place and imagined what I would do in that situation. My life has revolved around going here and going there. I’ve never had any physical limitations other than my battle against diabetes. I wondered if I would have a positive outlook if something came about and suddenly changed the way I had to live my life.

It made me go back to a few different periods of my life to find an answer. It was only seconds before I understood that I would be a fighter. I would battle moments of depression, but I would make it my goal to find a purpose. I would try to use the experiences in my life to help other people who dealt with the same type of thing. I’m not exactly sure how I would do it, but I would probably begin by writing my story. It wouldn’t matter whether it was fiction or non-fiction as long as I could bring the reader along with me through the ups and downs.

Every journey, no matter where it starts, is going to have bumps and potholes that we must navigate around. There are no journeys that are stress free. In some ways every day that we wake up is a new journey. We may think we have a routine that doesn’t change much, but in all reality there isn’t one person out there that can predict everything that will happen in their life from the time they wake up one morning until the time they fall asleep that night.

We must allow ourselves the ability to adapt to changes. Some changes will be life-changing experiencing while others will be nothing more than a simple detour on the way to work.

Sometimes the detour might lead us to something that we need. At the time we might not be able to acknowledge it, but it finds a hiding spot inside of us. The man that I saw on the sidewalk could be something that I needed to see. It brought out some thoughts that I might have misplaced along the way. It made me realize that I should help others more and complain less. I have many battles to fight, but there’s always someone who can use another soldier in their army. It’s never good to do it alone. I used to think that one good friend was more than any one person could handle. I’ve changed my mind about that over the years. I have people that are very close to me and I’m sure they don’t know how much I rely on them to get me through each and every day. They give me hope and enlighten me when I’m not feeling on top of the world.  I often wonder if I do the same for these people. They make me feel alive and worthwhile.

In the last 3 1/2 years I’ve become great friends with a few people that I never would have had the opportunity to be friends with if I hadn’t encountered a major detour on my journey. I hope they know how much they have given to me. Sometimes I’m not the best communicator in the world and I shy away from being serious which is probably a downfall. I like to act distant and hard to read.

It’s tough when your journey leads you over the continental divide and across the western prairies. You just keep walking and walking and walking. There’s nothing in front of you and nothing behind you. The antelope graze on the prairie while the tarantulas scurry across the pavement in front of you. It’s tough traveling when you really don’t know where the road your on is going.

As the sun rises every morning in the east it’s a gentle reminder that all roads lead to the same place. Some of us take longer journeys than others which can cause some confusion along the way. I’m pretty convinced if we have a plan it doesn’t matter how long it takes us to get there as long as we try to make progress. When the skies are dark and gloomy we must visualize the end of the road. If we can keep this within sight the walk becomes easier. If we can’t the darkness can consume us and spit us out the other side.

I’m a traveler and I’m a blurry figure that blends into the setting sun on the road behind me. For now I’ll keep on walking no matter how sore my feet become.  As long as the mind’s at peace my feet will guide me to a new starting point.

It has been a long time since I’ve been here, probably too long. My mind has been running like a crazed dog lately. It’s possible that I’m spending too much time alone if that makes any sense. While I’ve always enjoyed my own company it can sometimes create havoc.

Over the weekend I went for a walk. I had to clear my mind and take in the surroundings. I wandered around for a while with no destination in mind. I let my feet guide me across the field. Once my left foot followed the right one I knew where they were going to take me. As they guided me along I didn’t resist. I needed to go where they were bringing me. I knew that I would end up on the edge of the creek that I often visited as a child.

When I finally arrived I found a spot under a mature hemlock tree and sat down. As I gazed into the water I could hear the gentle and soothing noise of the water making its way over a fallen log. I closed my eyes and began meditating.  Many years ago I told myself that I would meditate daily, but that idea was lost along the way. Although I never totally eliminated it, I don’t do it as much as I should.

I concentrated on my breathing and let my mind drift. When thoughts came in I acknowledged that they were there, but I didn’t address them beyond that. I slowly inhaled and exhaled. I felt the stress elevating from my head and making its way into the sky above me. I was all alone. My mind eventually became quiet, if only for a second. Shortly after I arrived at this happy place my attention was drawn to some rustling in the leaves across the creek. I could here some cutting and putting. A flock of turkeys made their way across the hill. Although I’m not all that familiar with turkey language I’m pretty sure that their noises signified that everything was ok. They were walking through the woods talking to each other.

By that time the sun was beating down on my back. I could feel sweat trickling down my spine and onto the top side of my rear-end. It gave me the sense that I was alive. It wasn’t anything more than a simple reminder that my body was functioning as it should. It was hot out and the sun was making sure that I felt its presence.

There wasn’t a lot of movement across the forest floor after the turkeys cleared out. An occasional bird flew by and every once in a while a squirrel would run down a log or jump from one tree limb to another. It was perfectly clear that I wasn’t the only one enjoying the nice weather.

I sat under that tree for the better part of an hour. I didn’t have anywhere to go. I wasn’t in a hurry to rush off like I so often am. Instead, I decided I would let my mind wander a few minutes before heading back to where I came from.

When I began the trek I understood that something more than my inner being was pushing me forward. Something in the depths of my soul was giving me a gentle push. I could feel it, but I tried my hardest not to acknowledge it………….just as in meditation. The harder I tried the worse it became. It jumped on my back like a desperate monkey in the jungle.

Before long I had to stand tall and let this monkey ride on my back. He gently sat on my shoulder and whispered in my ear. I’m pretty sure he was whispering, but at times it seemed that he was screaming. He told me to get moving. Life doesn’t stand still for anyone and time passes quickly. Too many people live their entire lives without taking that one step out of the ordinary to do something extraordinary. For a while I felt like I was on a good path, but the last couple of months everything has come to a stand-still.

I’ve always taken advantage of every minute of every day. None of us know what day will be our last so we have to try to do everything we can with the time that we are given. Every person has 24 hours a day to do their thing. I’m one of many that has a habit of saying that I’m too busy for this or that. In all reality none of us are too busy for anything. We usually make up an excuse because it makes us feel better for not accomplishing something that we should have.

As the monkey sat there he eventually became quiet. When he stopped speaking the point was taken. The monkey chatter of my mind has engulfed me and it is time to let some of that go. It’s time to center the  mind once again and find peace. All it took was a simple walk to the creek behind the house to figure this out.

With spring comes new growth. New growth for plants and people alike. While I will participate in all of my normal springtime activities this year I will also search for that itty bitty, tiny piece that is missing. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I’m aware that there is something. As one foot follows the other I’ll keep faith that they lead me to this hidden jewel that I must find. One day leads into the next and I’ll surely be up at the crack of dawn to welcome whatever is waiting for me.

You can ride along quietly for now my friend, but your chatter will all but disappear in the coming weeks………………….Mr. Meditation and Mr. Focus are waiting to welcome me into their world and I have accepted the invitation.

It’s 10:45 on Friday night. I should really get to bed since I’m headed to the show in Johnstown at 6am. I just got home from the Adirondack Phantoms AHL game. As the closing seconds ticked off the clock my mind raced back some30 years ago to when the Adirondack Red Wings made their home in Glens Falls. I was 11 years old and involved in youth hockey so it made things even more exciting. As the game ended they started playing “We Are the Champions” by Queen. Although it was 30 years ago when they used to play the same song after Red Wing victories, it seemed almost timeless in a sense. It was only for a few seconds, but I definitely felt myself race back in time. I was only 11 then, but I was happy go lucky and felt good about myself back then. Tonight, while listening to the song playing, as I walked up the stairs I knew that mentally I was once again in the happy go lucky frame of mind, with the world waiting for me to explore it. Back then I didn’t know where the road would take me and I was able to find my way once the miles started fading behind me. Now, I’ll do the same.

Tomorrow will be the 30th anniversary of my trip to Lake Placid to see the Olympic Games. I was able to watch Eric Heiden, the speed skater, win his fifth gold medal on the outside oval. It was surely an event that I will never forget.  It was also the day after the United States had beaten Russia 4-3 in the Miracle on Ice game. People were on the streets selling used ticket stubs from the game for $500 which was a substantial amount of money at the time time, especially for a game that had already been played.

To this day I can’t believe the things that I experienced as a child. I’m not sure that my parents knew at the time that their ability to share everything with their children would stay with each and every one of us throughout our lives. All of these things gave meaning to our lives and made us understand how very fortunate we were.

My father only bought one ticket to a cross country skiing event and hoped that would be enough to get us into the Olympic village, which it was. I didn’t understand then what I do now.  My parents simply took a chance and hoped it would work out. They didn’t have any fear and weren’t swayed by all of the people that told them they would never be allowed to get close to Lake Placid. Instead they went all in and figured everything would figure itself out along the way. My siblings and I are so incredibly lucky to have lived the dream of going to the Olympics the year that so many wonderful things happened for the United States.

As I’ve sat back and watched the Olympics in Vancouver this week I can remember the sights, sounds and smells like it was only yesterday. The sad part is that it was almost a lifetime ago and time gets going so fast it’s impossible to slow down. I wish I could lasso it and make it stand still. I’m now beginning to see the writing on the wall.

I’ve been stuck for a while and the decisions that I must make are becoming painfully more obvious. Time’s not slowing down and I must decide where to go, what to do and most importantly what path will take me where I need to go. Although it sounds relatively simple, it’s not.

I’ve always been a chronic over-thinker and once again my mind is stuck on full throttle. Nobody ever said life would be easy. It’s a series of events that challenge our inner being and what we are made of. As the saying goes “only the strong survive.” Well, everyone survives to an extent, but the strong are able to prioritize and make the necessary changes on the fly.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the next 9 months in front of me. I have a mountain of things on my plate and I must tackle them one at a time. The secret is not letting everything overwhelm me. I’ve taken many punches on the chin and I’ve been kicked below the belt as well as hit in the back. Therefore, I know I can handle pretty much anything. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark it might seem when you’re inside it. The light will appear if your feet don’t stop moving. Movement is essential and we must all learn to continue marching forward.

I read a quote the other day which I can easily relate to. It reads “In the end we only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have and the decisions we waited too long to make.” Unfortunately, I’m living proof of that quote. I can feel the pain of some of it each and every day. I know it’s nobody’s fault but my own, too.

Hopefully I can change some of those things in the future and take the advice rather than become yet another statistic or a reason for another quote of the same nature.

Tomorrow should be fun. I’m looking forward to seeing a few people I haven’t seen in a while as well as making some new friends. If  I’m lucky maybe I’ll sell a few more books than I expect to.

Until next time……………..tonight was a blast back in time that brought back some great memories and made me accept that many more are waiting to be made.

The last week has been interesting to say the least. The annual Guan Ho Ha Vegas archery tournament was held last weekend. I sat there all weekend in hopes of selling a few books. It felt good to see all the friends that I only see a few times a year. When the weekend was over it was a gentle reminder of how fortunate I have been in my life so far. I’ve come in contact with some wonderful people and although some of them don’t know it they have silently played a role in my maturation.

When I started down the Northway on Friday evening after work I had so many thoughts rambling through my mind that I didn’t know which one to address. Instead of addressing any of them I called one of my friends and rambled. When I was done talking I was a little south of Saratoga where my journey would soon take me across some old country roads without much traffic.

As one mile turned into the next I noticed some nice houses. I especially took interest in a couple. I’m not sure why, but they almost jumped out at me. My mind was still not quiet and I continued on. A short time later I arrived and set up by sign that acted as a small display for the weekend.

The next two hours passed quickly and I handed in my tournament score card before I left. Once again I was disappointed. Sometimes it feels like it was many years ago that I shot well. It seems as if one problem has led into another and the train slowly derailed along the way. The cars sit quietly on the edge of track and collect more rust with each passing year. It often makes me wonder if my best days are behind me. Quite honestly I don’t put nearly enough into it anymore, but I still expect good results. In the past I used archery as an outlet, which isn’t necessary now.

When I headed home that night I thought about putting the effort forth again. I wondered what it might be like if the motivation returned and I gave it everything I had.

When I put my head on my pillow that night I quickly drifted off to sleep. The next morning came quickly and the bittern cold outside reminded me of the cruelty of the world. I fired the truck up so I would be somewhat comfortable when I started my trek south.

The ride Saturday morning was different than Friday night. The sky was clear blue and the sun glistened off the frost covered branches. It was peaceful. My mind rested for a few minutes before it started it’s frantic race around the track on the inside of my skull.

That’s when it hit me. I wondered out loud how I got to where I am and what’s beyond here. What is really out there for me? In more ways than one I feel as if I’ve wasted the last 20 years of my life as far as my occupation goes. I got out of college and as one day led into the next it became a pattern that I couldn’t or wouldn’t break. Throughout my 20 years of service I have only been fully stimulated by my job a handful of times. When it occurred it never lasted more than a year or two. When I first started writing French copy for movies and television shows I felt like I once again had a purpose. My job was unique and very few people could do what I did.

Then, one day the director of Editorial said something to me that I have held close to the vest for a lot of years. When I asked him why French editors weren’t paid more he responded to me, “Because they don’t have a “learned skill.” That day is when I realized that my time was being wasted where I was. I laughed to myself and simply replied “If I don’t have a learned skill you’re telling me you can go sit at my desk and do my job within a day, a month or 3 month time frame?” He had no answer, which in turn told me all I needed to know.

Many times in the corporate world the work you bring to the table is far too under appreciated and taken for granted. I was bascially told to my face that my education was useless and insuperior to that of someone who held a 4 year degree in a computer field. Not sure, but last time I checked no matter what your 4 year degree is in no person is more educated than another. They are simply educated in different areas.

The distribution of money in the United States is a laughing stock to me right now. I work for a company that is going through Bankruptcy hearings, yet they can’t give their low income people raises, but they can divide 46 million between approximately 740 managers. Last time I checked bonuses were given out to reward good work…………..not to reward the top people in a company that has filed bankruptcy resulting from failures in numerous areas within the company, which as managers, they were ultimately responsible for.

When it’s all over the news and the business/financial experts are commenting on it you know that the people in charge of the company are in it for themselves. That’s the difference between America 40 years ago and today. Very few people do what’s best for the company. Instead of hiring people for the benefit of the company they hire people to benefit themselves.

I’m very much like my father. When he was in managment he would promote people even if he disliked them with a passion, as long as they were the most qualified person for the job. As I learned in all of my Business/Management classes in college, you can have no friends outside of work, from inside the workplace, if you are in management. My father did this well. Although he had to terminate some relationships it was necessary and was done to benefit the company.

Most places now have severly unqualified people in positions. This leads to bad morale, animosity and total loss of motivation. The Peter Principle which was so popular in the 70s is back with a vengeance.  So many people with far superior talent are overlooked because so many others are promoted to their level of incompetence. It’s a vicious cycle.

………Back to my ride. When I thought of all of those things I realized that I’m not in a very good place. I need a change. I’m not sure what the change will be, but I have now made it a priority to do something where I can use my education and knowledge to better myself. I’ve already accomplished a little of that by writing and publishing the book. It will not stop there. One person has put me down one too many times. It has motivated me to find something where people will appreciate what I have to offer and be glad to have me work with them to benefit the company as a whole.

The next month will give me a lot of time to think and I’ll slowly find a plan. I’ve never been one to fail once I’ve put my mind to something. Somehow, some way I’ll figure it all out. Day by day………..one foot in front of the other. As a fawn knows when it’s time to leave his mother and go out on his own, we too must know when it’s time for us to move forward.

Sometimes stepping out of our comfort zone is really hard, but necessary. I believe it is that time. Instead of being vengeful or angry I  will some day go back and thank the person who reminded me how much more I had in store for someone who wanted to take advantage of my skills and knowledge. I’m not a quitter and it will be their loss not mine. The unfortunate part is that so many people are so in it for themselves that they don’t even realize what they’ve lost…………………even after it’s gone.

It’s late Wednesday night. I can’t sleep so I decided to write with hopes that it will make me tired. For some reason there are a ton of things on my mind. There’s not one thought that stays long, but there are many that frantically jump from side to side inside my head.

I’m not sure where to begin with so many things going on. It seems that a few of my family members are facing uphill battles, while some of my friends have encountered obstacles that will need a lot of guidance and care to help them through.

I’ve always worn my emotions on my sleeve in my writing, but I’m a totally different person in the outside world, where interaction with others is sometimes very difficult for me. For many years I lived in fear of saying anything because I knew that no matter what I said it would be turned around and given its own meaning.  Eventually I became somewhat hopeless and was lost, without a clue where to turn.  When I started thinking about everything I said, it became robotic. As more time passed I got to the point where I didn’t say much at all. I tried to show my support in short, simple ways without bringing anything else to the table.

It wasn’t until years later that I realized how so many different people react when  you don’t do what they think you should do in certain situations. I always think back to the times I was always asked where I wanted to go on vacation. I didn’t really care as long as I went someplace with the person I loved. When I did recommend a place it seemed as if it was never the right place. Although my opnion was asked my response wasn’t necessary. Every time  I said I didn’t care where we went I always got spoken to about making a decision for once. It was extremely difficult to tell the person that I tried, but I was always shut off. Eventually I quit responding. After all, I would have loved to travel across the Rockies in Yellowstone Park or observe the glacial fields in Glacier National Park, but I knew that those ideas would never fly.

I know that many people don’t know how to take me. When others are facing battles it’s so hard to talk because I always go back to the days when I never said the right thing. Therefore, I try to keep it simple and show my concern for them through simple conversation about the battles. I know that when I need someone I just want them to listen to me while I talk. I kind of live the same way. I figure if someone needs me they will just want to talk. I consider myself a fairly good listener.

I have a family member going through hell right now. She thinks she has lost her mind with nowhere to turn. Sometimes it’s a matter of having a little patience. We all want problems fixed as soon as possible, but problems usually take a while to sort out. I think you can relate it to growing pains. This is a situation where I don’t even know what to say. I don’t have a clue about any of the topics she’s facing and quietly I just want her to know that I do care even though I don’t say much.

Unfortunately when we don’t say much people take that as being uncaring, rather than simply not knowing how to deal with the situation. We hold them accountable for making us feel like they don’t care. We must all learn to love our friends, family and lovers uncontditionally.

If any of you read my entry last March on “My Little Tree” you would see that I found a tree, brought it home, planted it and loved it unconditionally. The tree never disappointed me and I never disappointed it. This is very much the same with pets. My dog bites me occasionally because he’s a little cranky, but I still love him. I know that he doesn’t know any better and it’s all a part of who he is as a dog. Sometimes he wants to lounge around and sleep and other times he wants to run around like a madman. No matter what he chooses to do I’m ok with it. This is so simple to do because he can’t talk. When things can’t talk it’s much easier for us to remain on the same path. We don’t jump to conclusions about the actions of others and we don’t try to figure out what someone meant by something they said or did. I have never had any expectations with my dog or my tree which makes it so easy to love them unconditionally. The last time my dog bit me I was a little perturbed for a few minutes. But at the same time I looked at him and smiled because of all the times he simply made me smile. I could never ask from him more than he can give. He can’t talk, so he barks when he must tell me something. I have to acknowledge that and help him.

People are very much the same. Although people don’t always do what we expect or want, we must also be thankful for what they can give. There are many different people in all of our lives and each and every one of them reacts differently to certain situations.  We have to learn to take the positive parts and let those things be the reward for us. What might seem little at the time, could probably bring a whole new light if we took a step back, realized how thankful we were, even for the little gesture and learned that usually people do what they’re the most comfortable with. Some people are more comfortable with others in certain situations. Some people have a very hard time dealing with any serious issues in life and clam up, while others let it all out.

That’s the amazing thing about friends and families. With all of these people helping us in their own way we can gain a wealth of knowledge about them. If a person is quiet about certain things it probably means that they like it quiet when they are dealing with similar siutations. Although it’s unfortunate many people just don’t know what to do. We can try to guide them or tell them, but due to prior experiences there’s something that makes them much more reserved than the normal person.

As we all go forward let’s realize that the simplest gesture from a quiet person might just be what they consider a treasured jewel. We have to have the ability to understand the actions of people even if we don’t fully understand their intentions. It will make all of us better in the end.

To my relative who is pulling her hair out right now……….it will be ok. You have all of the tools that are necessary to harness what’s in front of you. Don’t add to your stress by imagining all sorts of bad things. Positive thoughts bring positive things. Time will take care of this.

And for my friend who is going through something right now that is as overhwelming as any battle that can ever be fought…………..dig deep and find the strength that you have inside. You have to remain positive and cherish every minute of every day. You have the ability to surpass all expectations and find a way to come out on top. The road will be bumpy, but it will guide you as long as you don’t stop. Continue putting one foot in front of the other and praying every night as you rest your head on your pillow. Remember that it’s ok to show your weakness at times, just don’t let it consume you.