Todd Mead's Blog

The last few weeks have been a blur. When I backed up to the loading dock to pick up my books it was rather overwhelming to say the least. As one case after another was loaded into my truck I realized that although the huge accomplishment of writing the book was over, the daunting task of selling it was just beginning.

Life is a series of changes. We start off as children. We’re not fully developed enough to make rational decisions on our own, so we have to rely on the people that raise us. I was very fortunate in that area. From a young age I was shown the difference between right and wrong as well as showing proper respect to people.

Before long the changes take place faster than we can comprehend. Heck, it seems like a few years ago I was in high school and the four years I spent getting my undergraduate degree in Oneonta are all but forgotten. Although I spent four years in college it seems like it was only a year when I look back at that period of my life.

However, as with anything our feet guide us and mine have kept marching forward. I’ve seen so many people get stuck in quicksand on their journeys. They let situations control them rather than stand up and find a way to pave a new path. I’ve encountered a few unfortunate incidents along the way such as being diagnosed with diabetes to starting all over again in my mid to late 30s. Sometimes we don’t have any control over what is thrown in our lap. If we don’t address these things and find peace with them they can haunt us for all of our living days on earth. I’ve noticed that some people seem to enjoy the misery. They don’t want to move forward. They want an excuse to stay in the spot they’re in. It’s a safety blanket that they can pull over their heads and hide from the world underneath it.

Many people are afraid of making mistakes. We all make mistakes, but I think the biggest mistake is crying a river over something that happened in the past. The people that let their past control their present are never truly at peace with the things that have happened in their lives. Opportunities come and go and the people look at it like nothing was lost. However, in all reality, everything could have been lost and absolutely nothing was gained. When a person is stationary there’s no movement in either direction. Sometimes you have to go to the depths of despair to find your way back to the top of the mountain. The higher you go, the closer you are to the sun, which has the ability to brighten even the darkest of days.

It seems as if fear paralyzes most people who refuse to move forward. They might be afraid of something that happened in the past or they might be afraid of failing in the future. No matter how you look at it, it’s not a very cheerful or optimistic way to open your eyes every morning.

When I started the project of writing my book I had no idea if I would ever finish. Since I was entering one of those changes that people encounter throughout their lives I decided I didn’t have anything to lose. If I succeeded I would have something to hand down to my family and the generations that follow. If I failed I wouldn’t be a different person or anything of the sort.

Shortly after my life was upturned I set new goals. I’m a firm believer that people who don’t have goals have a much harder time staying positive from day to day. I might show some negativity from time to time, but I will never express it when I’m working toward personal goals that I have set for myself. I don’t share my goals with many people so it’s easy for me to remain focused. I’ve seen more than a fair share of people get sucked in by the negativity that bounces from wall to wall every day. Many people make bad decisions because they can’t reach deep enough inside themselves during weak moments. At that time misery loves company. People who are destroying their own lives prey on others by telling them their lives could be better or they could do other things that would make them happier, and more times than not, the weak person will follow. This happens over and over and it’s a vicious cycle. That’s why relationships are so disposable now. People think the grass is always greener. I’ve been there too. I stood on the fence and took a look at the neighbor’s lawn. The harder I gazed at the turf the more clear it became, that my yard was just fine as it was.  I was satisfied. The lawn required care, but in the end it was just as good as the lawn across the fence. Many of the people standing on the fence don’t stand long enough to take in all of their surroundings. It almost reminds me of suicide. Most of the time suicides could be prevented with a single thought that lasted a few more seconds. It’s so incredibly sad that it’s hard to think about.

As I enter yet another change in my life I have new insight. I now have to learn how to be a salesman for my own product. This should be an easy task and the weeks ahead should give me a better answer as to whether or not I will be successful.

I read a quote a few years ago when I was in the bottom of the barrel as helpless as a fish out of water and it has stuck with me ever since that day. It reads, “When one door closes another one opens. However, don’t stare so long at the closed door that you fail to realize that another one has been opened for you.”

I’m not sure who wrote it and it’s not important. It’s very easy to understand and I hope that a few of my friends who have struggled mightily with a few changes in their lives are able to shed the monkey off their backs and walk freely as they once did. We mustn’t ever forget that we are the only ones responsible for where we are in our lives. If we choose to hide in the sand because of  fear it is our own fault. If we choose to rush into things and make hasty decisions that too is our own fault. If we take a step back, address situations with deep thought and gently nibble from the oustide in we’ll find our way. It’s all about trusting ourselves and the ones around us.

As a surfer rides a wave, we must do the same. Don’t fight the power of the ocean. Instead, let the wave carry us to the safety of the shore. Once there we can pick up our boards and feel the sand beneath our feet as we walk off into the sunset……………………………with the fear behind us and a new change beckoning us to acknowledge it.

Well, last week was the end of the decade. As I rushed around after work running errands I didn’t have anything on my mind other than getting to the AHL hockey game on time.

I sat through the game with my father and found different thoughts racing through my head in the down time. I thought back to the beginning of the same decade that would end later that night.

It was the year 2000 and I had purchased my first home the year before. I was settling into life and I felt as if I had the world by the tail. Heck, my house was only a block away from where I grew up and I had great neighbors on all sides as well. Life was good. My little pup was 5 years old and he finally had a run that allowed him to roam freely through the yard. He too was loving life.

As the years passed things became more of a routine and I might have let a few things go too far before properly addressing them. I’ll never know for sure and I don’t waste a whole lot of time thinking about it because we can’t ever go back in time.

I can recall getting a computer after moving into the new house. Shortly after becoming familiar with it I thought that it would be pretty neat if I could write a book.  One day I got out of work, clicked the computer on and started punching keys. I drew up an outline on what I would like to do and saved it in My Documents. Every once in a while I would open up the folder and glance at my outline. On a few occasions I even began writing the chapters that I had outlined. However, I never felt like I had very much support and I felt somewhat empty.  That’s when I put my idea on the back-burner and decided it was probably a lost cause.

In 2006 I was cruising down the freeway when all the wheels suddenly fell off the bus. In retrospect it was probably the best thing that ever could have happened to me. It brought me back to how unfair life can sometimes be. Far too many people give in at that point instead of finding another way. However, I stared into the lion’s mouth and decided I would set new goals and try my hardest to achieve them, no matter how long it might take.

The following year I accepted everything that had happened and that old idea that I had in My Documents at the beginning of the decade resurfaced. I had enough time and I needed to do something to keep my mind off from the negative things that had transpired the previous year and continued on a daily basis.

I chose to dig in and write the book. I started writing and before I knew it I was done. It only took three weeks to write the book, but it has taken me almost three more years to lay it out and get it in book format. I learned many things about book publishing, paginating and the other intracacies that go along with it. I never imagined that it would take me this long to complete the goal, especially when the actual writing was done almost three years ago.

Now, I’m only a few days away from picking the book up from the printer. Many people have asked me if I’m proud or have a sense of accomplishment. As odd as it sounds I really don’t have any of those feelings. The only thing I feel is that I should have been done much sooner. If I have any type of success I think I will try to write another one. Since I know how things work a little better now, it will make the next one easier.

So that night when I closed the shade on another decade I understood that life may not have taken me where I wanted to go when it started, but it surely brought me to where I was meant to be.

I’ve become close with people who have helped me in more ways than they can imagine. I thank each and every one of you. With the first goal behind me I’m going to try my hardest to achieve the next one within two years. I’ve recently set another goal behind that which will keep me pressing forward. I’m going to try to write another book. I would like it to be a book with funny hunting stories. I still haven’t ditched the idea of a novel, but I need my own office in a perfect place to accomplish that. I will give it my best effort when it’s time.

Although New Year’s Eve could have been a sad night for me due to many distant memories, I made the most of it and thanked my lucky stars. I only hope that the road I’m on will lead me to a valley filled with the things I love without any outside interference. We all choose the paths that we follow and although my choices are not easy, I have a better idea of where I need to end up to attain my lifelong goals.

Hi folks. I just returned from vacation. It’s amazing how much life can change in a couple of years and where the path leads us as we go from one day to the next. The events that have taken place in my life have been nothing short of phenomenal. I’ll be forever grateful for the simple things in life and having the ability to forgive.

My dad and I had the best two weeks we’ve had together in as long as I can remember. However, upon returning the news on my mom is once again not too well. We’ll battle it as it comes and do our best to climb over yet another obstacle. As I’ve learned along the way we have to breathe in and breathe out as we put one foot in front of the other. We’ll stay the course and remain positive with our outlook.

My book is ready to go. All I’m waiting on is a date from the printer. I’ll let you all know when it’s ready. We’re very close now……………….stay tuned in…………..

T.

I just wanted to let everyone know that the book is headed to the printer next week. Although I will have it back shortly it probably won’t be available until late November. I’m going on vacation and I would like to be settled before I start distributing books. If you have any questions feel free to drop me a line. I’ll make a post when the book is available for orders. Thanks.

T.

Shortly after I walked in my friend’s house on Friday night I was able to catch the end of Grey’s Anatomy. Near the end I listened to one of the voices that gives the quotes throughout the episode. Although I’m not sure which actor said it, it stuck with me. The “it” I’m referring to is a quote that went something along the lines of, “Death is not the only thing that brings pain and suffering. Life and change does that too. The thing that keeps us going is that it can all turn on a dime.”

It took a few minutes for all of the words to register, but when they did I gave it some thought. There are a multitude of things that bring pain and suffering and these things affect all of us differently. Some people have the ability to confront them and realize that time will heal the pain. However, some others dwell on the unfortunate incident and let it rule their lives. Instead of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel they let the darkness consume them. When the darkness fills the room there is no escaping from it. Very often a small attitude adjustment might be all that is needed. I usually compare this type of thing to the rain. Although we can sometimes get rain for days on end it will eventually subside. In the process we might have to evacuate our residence or go to higher land for a few days……..but it will stop. The same holds true to the pain that we carry with us.

I’ve seen many people that let their past rule their present. They refuse to move forward because of something that happened to them in the past. They let a former lover or incident have total control over them.  We must always remember that every adventure is different. No two people are the same and we must recognize this to find happiness.

The pain we carry with us can sometimes be paralyzing, but it will never go away if we don’t find peace with the incident that caused it. Every person finds peace in their own way and nobody can tell you how to do it. This is something that comes from within. This is what builds our personality and character. In order to find peace it is essential to forgive. Forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools in the world. Far too many people carry anger and hatred with them because it was never acknowledged, addressed and taken care of in a proper way. This can sometimes lead to the downfall of a relationship. When the anger isn’t addressed it can come out in the worst way at a very bad time. I’ve seen it happen throughout the course of my life with a few people that were close to me.

For a long time I saw nothing but a dark hallway in front of me. Inside I knew that I would come out the other side, but I also knew that I had to take time to heal before I would find whatever it was that might make everything turn on a dime.

The last few days I’ve learned that my life turned around when I began the project of writing this book. My whole life took a different direction then and I became more at one with myself. It allowed me to go back to a place I hadn’t been in a long time. It also allowed me to find many peaceful times where my mind was completely rested. As I climbed the steps of the book building project I became stronger. Somehow I created a new meaning in my life.  Although it sounds simple it was somewhat complicated.

A few days from now will be the first of October. Fall is here which is my favorite time of year. I expect that this fall will be one of the greatest ones that I’ve ever experienced, solely because of where my mind is right now. I won’t have to trudge across mountains with a backpack full of heartache or confusion. Instead, I’ll just go slowly and take the scenery in. If I feel like stopping to get a better view that will be ok.

Life and the changes in my life have kept me going. These changes have brought me to a wonderful place which I’m happy to be in. Wherever life brings us we have to remember that we are like the water in a river. We all start in the same place and we all have to float along and let the river take us where it wants to. The river will take all of us to different places. No matter where it brings us we have to find peace with that and know that the things we do and the way we act are the only things that can improve our position.

If a person falls from a raft in whitewater he is told to keep his feet in front of himself and go with the water. He shouldn’t fight it and waste useful energy. Life is very much the same. As you move forward remember what to do if you’re thrown from the raft. At that point you are the only who can help yourself.

It has been a hectic week. I’ve had strange phone calls, chance meetings, disturbing arguments and a variety of other things that jumped at me out of nowhere. However, everything that happened had a recurring theme. Our choices, no matter whether they’re good or bad, determine the progression of our lives.

A few nights ago I spoke with a friend who I had lost touch with, but recently found again. This person seems too afraid of making a choice that could lead to a better life because she fears failure. Instead of taking a chance and enjoying herself, she hides behind a mask and believes that all of the demons will just pick up and move on. I tried explaining to her that we have to find peace in our past before the bad parts can subside and find a permanent hiding place. We can’t avoid good things because we’re afraid of something that happened in the past will happen again. If we take the proper precautions and slowly put one foot in front of the other, things will work out as they’re supposed to. Nobody has a crystal ball, but we can control the way we treat people, which in turn will help us. We can’t control what they do in return, but we must be smart enough to notice a problem quickly and avoid any pitfalls that might present larger problems over time.

I walked on hot coals for a long time. I was never sure what to say or how to act. It became almost robotic. I constantly thought about how I should respond to certain questions or how I should act in different situations. I felt as if I couldn’t do anything right.  Now, instead of being afraid I’ve learned that I have to just be myself and hope that’s enough. If what we have to offer another person isn’t enough, then we must learn that it’s ok. We come across many people in our lives that play a variety of roles. Each and every person that we are in contact with helps us to grow. If we refuse to grow, then we lose a small part of what we have inside. Once the rut starts it becomes extremely hard to break away from. One day leads to the next and before you know it years have passed.

As the conversation came to a close I encouraged my friend to stop living in the past. She has so much negativity encompassing her daily thoughts that it almost paralyzes any hope that might accidentally show up in her life. I feel bad for her, but I know it’s a battle that she must face on her own. I’m far from perfect and I have many of my own issues to deal with, so I can’t give anything other than my support and encouragement just as I would want in return.

I experienced and emotional punch in the gut last night. This time it was with a family member. I’m sure that you can all relate when someone in your family needs you and you feel like you can’t do a thing. You want to reach out and pull them in, but they put up an emotional barricade that is almost impassable. I did my best to listen and give advice without being judgmental. This person knows he isn’t making good decisions and it’s affecting his life in all areas. He feels as if he’s losing his mind, but he’s holding on with all his might. I’ve been there. I can relate to the pain and adversity that he’s fighting on a daily basis. I couldn’t offer anything other than the fact that I’m living proof, that if you keep your nose to the ground, you can and will come out the other side. I tried explaining that it’s ok to make bad choices. However, last night he could make a good choice and change everything around. It only takes one good choice to start a streak. Once the streak starts it can go a long way before an indecisive moment might lead to, at that time, a bad choice for once.

No matter how many negatives I come across I always try to find a bit of good somewhere. After all, we only need a few apples to make an apple pie or two dogs to make a happy family of 8. We have to accept the bad things that we bump into. We can’t get consumed by them by accepting them. Rather, we move forward on our journey through life and hit the flies with the fly-swatter and slap the mosquitos off from our face as they drill for blood. We all go down different paths, but when we decide where we’re going to go it is ultimately our own choice that leads us to where we’ll end up.

The sun always comes out after the rain. It might rain for days on end, but the sun will return. That’s the beauty of life.  Our enjoyment always follows our pain and our pain disappears through our pleasure. Decide what you like and pursue that because in the end that will be all that matters. That’s the best choice you’ll ever make. Like what you do and do what you like.

It’s that time of year where we’re losing daylight every day. I’ve felt the chill in the air the last few weeks and know that fall is coming. As I try to take a step back and take it all in, I do it with mixed emotions. Fall has been the season when many of my most cherished memories were created. I’ve witnessed things in the wild that are simply unexplainable to most. I’ve laid on my cot in our tent, miles from nowhere and listened to the coyotes howl all night. As I’ve trudged through the woods in the dark to reach my destination I’ve listened to the loons in the background, reminding me that daylight was fast approaching.

I’ve watched deer cautiously pick their way through the timber in search of food and safety. I’ve sat and listened to the deafening silence only to have it broken by a distant gunshot. I’ve witnessed more than one person can possibly fathom, but I continue to go back every year in search of something that is only attainable to me.

When I’m in the woods I’m totally alone. Thoughts of today, yesterday and many years ago dash through my mind. I don’t get in the way as the thoughts run rampant. I don’t try to interfere when disturbing things creep in. Instead, I acknowledge all thoughts and let them go as they came.

Fall was also the time of year when the world around me came crumbling down. The exact day was November 15. Unfortunately it will be a day that will stick with me for the rest of my life. We all have lucky days and up until 2006 the day November 13 always greeted me with a feeling of suspense. I knew that the 13th had always treated me well. Many memories had been created on that day that I will cherish for as long as I live. I’ll never forget the long battle I won with a deer that I had pursued for two solid years. I was going on fumes, but I pushed forward. I wanted to go the extra mile that so many others wouldn’t. I wanted to prove that I could achieve a goal that I had set, even if I was the only one that knew about it. When I finally reached the goal it was a miserable fall day. The snow was so thick it made walking all but impossible. The trees were overloaded with the weight of the snow and visibility was cut down to a few feet. I was enclosed by the trees of the forest. I was in my own world, if only for a few hours.

Three years ago I had the same thing happen. I found myself in a place that I had never imagined. I knew that I would have to set new goals. I would have to journey down a road with hopes of finding myself along the way. I would need to find the parts that I lost touch with. In the immediate aftermath I wasn’t sure what to do. Within a few months I decided that I would start writing again and see where it would take me. I was fortunate enough to write a few pieces for a local publication and the ball began to roll from there. Shortly after that I began writing an outdoor column for a monthly magazine. When everything was going well I decided to take on the daunting task of putting a book together. From the outside it might seem easy to many. I thought the same thing. Many people might not believe it, but the actual writing part was fairly simple. Putting the rest of the pieces of the puzzle together have been a very trying experience. Without the help of my friends and family I would never have been able to accomplish the task.

The last couple weeks have made me look back on that miserable day in 2006 when the skies were gray and I saw no light in the darkest tunnel I had ever traveled through. Every day came and went without a hint of happiness in the near future. I never gave up. I used the gentle guidance from my friends and family to start over with the things that I enjoyed the most. I began writing again because it was therapeutic for me. As one thing led to the next, the pages of my book began to roll out from under my fingers. Without the horrible fall a few years ago I’m pretty sure I would still be stuck in the same rut. Although I was enjoying life and I was perfectly content, something was missing. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I’ve finally begun to figure all of that out.

I was losing touch with myself. I was making concessions all in hopes of pleasing someone else. I was becoming someone who I really wasn’t. I had cut back on doing the things that brought happiness and satisfaction to my life. In all reality I would have done anything that I could have. Looking at it now, I realize that no matter what I did, it never would have been good enough. I gave up a home that I absolutely adored. I had wonderful neighbors with a cozy little place to find comfort every night. I was really happy. I stopped shooting archery for a while because I thought it was the right thing to do. I continued shooting in the yard, but I stopped traveling. I did it because I thought I was doing the right thing.

Now, three years later I’m doing things that I always dreamed about. A few months from now I’ll be able to look back on it and thank my lucky stars for everything that has happened on my journey up to this point. We might not always like what is dealt to us, but we must find a way to accept it, deal with it and find a new and different way on the other side of the new doors that we must walk through. I’ve learned that nobody has a perfect life. We all have our ups and downs that we must deal with. I do this on a daily basis. However, I now try to do the things that will help me toward another goal.

I haven’t written in a long time and I feel like this is a jumbled mess so I’m going to hang it up for the night. If you happen to be up in the early mornings the next few weeks take a deep breath when you step outside and welcome the chill that embraces you. It’s the ending of one thing and the beginning of another. Remember that not all endings are bad. Rather, the end of one thing is the beginning of something else. This fall will be the beginning of yet another step in my miraculous journey through life.  I’m like a goose that flies over every fall.  I know where I”m going on my journey, but each and every step to get there is different from the last.

Passage from The Broken Leg Buck

My eyes came back open and I was scared. My mind was racing. I didn’t know where I was, how I got there or who I was with. My legs were trembling. I looked straight ahead and feared for my life. I knew something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t place it. My head felt funny. My fingers were tingling and I had a pounding headache. I sat there dumbfounded. After approximately five minutes I realized that I needed something to eat. I rummaged through my backpack and found some Snickers candy bars. I quickly shoveled them into my mouth. My blood sugar level had hit rock bottom. I was in the beginning stages of an insulin reaction. I didn’t panic. I chose to sit tight, eat my candy and wait for my blood levels to come back to an acceptable level. After about a half hour I started feeling better. I noticed a small doe feeding up the hill. She was coming out of the cedar swamp below. I sat still and she fed past me. She never saw me and continued on her way. I waited a little while to make sure nothing was following her and then I headed back to meet Dad.

Passage from The Sleeping Buck

The morning dragged at first. I sat there and stared into the sky. I was complaining to myself and asking whoever was listening why the weather always had to be crappy. As I fidgeted around I caught movement on the small, steep knob off to my right. I instantly identified the deer as the long tined buck that I had seen a few other times. Once again, I didn’t have a shot. I kept hearing Dad and Jeff over and over in my head, “You might just as well shoot. What do you have to lose?”

At that point I determined they were right. I didn’t have anything to lose and there was no way I was going to get the buck if I didn’t shoot. When he got into the saplings near the saddle I rested my gun on my knee and pulled the trigger. The deer kept walking and I fired again. The deer didn’t even flinch and continued walking. I fired once again and he stopped. He looked in my direction. He was alert and had finally figured out that something wasn’t right. I leveled the crosshairs on this front shoulder and squeezed the trigger again. After he started running I fired the last shot in the gun. Just as I had originally thought, there was no way a bullet would make it through the maze of small trees. I reloaded my gun and then turned my radio on. When I turned it on I could hear Jeff and Dad talking.

As an update I would like to let my readers know that I’m making headway on the book. I’m currently flowing pictures into it and working on the cover. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’m hoping to have things completed in the next 2-3 months. Please be patient and feel free to send me a note with any questions that you might have. Thanks.

A passage from the chapter titled: The Ghost

I’ll always remember the year of the Ghost because emotionally I was a wreck. There were many things that were bothering me. I was feeling down in the dumps and the rain didn’t help matters. There weren’t many mornings to sit back and enjoy the beauty of the outdoors. It seemed as if I constantly had water dripping down my back or heavy wind blowing in my face. I was never comfortable or at peace with myself. I didn’t fight it. I put one foot in front of the other and blazed my way forward. The day I headed to the creek in the heavy saplings I had positive vibes. It was the first time I had felt them the entire season. Everything inside me told me something good was going to happen. I followed my intuition and something good did happen. I think I have to put credence in the saying, “you make your own luck.” I definitely made my own luck that day.

Of any deer I have taken in the Adirondacks this one probably gave me the most trouble. I continuously tried outsmarting him. He won the battle many more times than I did. I think he probably traveled on the edge, but never when I was there. He may have even ventured out into the open area the evening I killed him. I’ll never know that for sure. However, when I did outsmart him he didn’t have a clue I was there. I was in his living room and he walked right to me without hesitation. It still amazes me how everything came together without a hitch. When I was handcuffed with the gun in my lap I cursed for a few seconds, but when he walked behind the blow-down I was instantly relieved. Since then, I have often wondered if I ever would have seen him if I sat there some other time.

Just last year I walked through the same area and told myself the same thing. When I looked around I didn’t find any scrapes so I moved on to sit someplace else. I have mental images of almost all of the bucks I’ve seen while hunting. The Ghost gives me the most focused and clear image of all of them. The sight of him appearing like a ghost will be etched in my mind for as long as I live.

A passage from the chapter titled: The Freezing Rain Buck

When I return to this place I try to take in the surroundings. My memory dashes back to that gray, cold, miserable day. I can still see the buck’s main beam as he was just about to disappear over the last knob. I can feel myself resting my elbow on my knee, settling the crosshairs on the deer and firing the gun. There’s something about this place and that deer, that moves me inside. When I killed him I had a sense of accomplishment that I wasn’t sure I would ever match again. I was fairly young as far as hunting in the Adirondacks go and I had killed a buck that many Adirondack hunters dream about. I knew inside how fortunate I was and I appreciated it. I would have to learn a lot more about deer in order to give myself an opportunity at anything that would compare to this buck.

This deer was also the first deer that I killed with my own rifle. I had saved enough money to buy my own gun. I picked a gun that I wanted and that I dreamed about. It was an Interarms .270 with a full wooden stock. It was heavy, but it was the gun I wanted. This gun was similar to Miner’s gun. Miner’s gun was named “Little Poison.” I didn’t use that gun for too many seasons. It was a little too heavy to do a lot of walking with so I eventually retired it for a lighter version. I still look at pictures from that hunt and it seems like it was just yesterday that it all happened.

Today is my birthday. Most people say 40 is a milestone, but the day wasn’t anything extraordinary. Many of my friends wished me well and many did not. It’s funny how some people that you expect to contact you don’t and others that you never thought would, do. It just goes to show you that life is always unpredictable no matter what the circumstances are.

The majority of people were surprised that I wasn’t having a big bash. I’ve been to quite a few 40th birthday parties over the years. I’m just not the party type and I prefer as much quiet time as possible to sit back and privately reflect on the years that have passed. The rain is pitter pattering off the leaves right now as the light is quickly fading into darkness. I really have no idea what the coming year holds for me. I’ll keep pushing forward in hopes of opening a door with many wonderful scenes on the other side.

I know where I want to be a year from now, but it will take a lot of hard work and dedication to get there. The road isn’t paved that I must follow. I will have to walk on a fairly new path in the woods. It’s a path that hasn’t had many feet beating on it up to this point. It’s a virgin to the forest floor. There aren’t any mud holes to walk around yet. There aren’t any fallen trees or upturned rocks which will play havoc with fellow travelers. The path is unobstructed right now and I plan to keep it that way as I travel from one end to the other. My feet will be light and my back will be strong to carry the weight of the things that I will need to help me.

I’m pretty sure that I was meant to walk alone on this path, at least until I find the uninhabited area at the end. I can vaguely see the end, but I give it no more attention than is necessary right now. Sometimes the gold dust can get in our eyes and obstruct our vision. I have to make sure that I don’t let this happen.

My parents leave for San Francisco tomorrow. My father will be competing in the archery event in the senior olympics. I hope he does well. I kind of wish I was going, but it’s a vacation for them. When I take a step back and look at their relationship it is nothing short of incredible to me. I know of very few people that have been with the same person for an extended period of time. Relationships seem so disposable now. People blame their unhappiness on their partner and move from one thing to the next, rather than confront the problems up front and finding a way to better themselves. We’re all guilty of it, but some make a habit of living this way. My parents will be the first to tell anyone that relationships aren’t easy. There’s a lot of give and take. We must understand why our partners do what they do and somehow find a way to accept it. Of course, many things can’t be overlooked, but the nuts and bolts of the relationship must always be checked, changed and polished.

I’ve heard many people say that they fell out of love with their partner. For some reason I can’t fathom that and I’m not really sure why. What we do is our own choice. Sometimes we make the wrong choices which lead us to where we end up. However, we can choose to make anything better or worse. Too many people become stubborn and refuse to accept responsibility. The finger pointing begins and it boils over into communication problems, disappointment and anger.

I’ve always watched my parents communicate. They take time every day to go over the day’s events. They both discuss their days and interaction is very natural. This generation is much different than their generation. Nothing seems forever anymore. I’m sure it exists out there, but the majority of people don’t fit into the profile.

I could probably babble all night tonight. I’m not sure if I would feel any better or worse when I’m done. The darkness has just about consumed the daylight. I can see shadows of things out the window right now. It seems as if I’ve been chasing my shadow for a long time.  I can see it, but I’m almost afraid to grab hold of it and put it back where it belongs. My shadow is my inner being which I have neglected and let run wild. Sometimes I’ve watched from afar and witnessed how out of character I seem. I don’t have any answers for anyone, not even myself. I’ve acted distant to the people closest to me which I regret on a daily basis. Somewhere along the way I lost a small part of myself (my shadow), but I”m going to do everything I can this year to reel it back in and place it where it belongs. Many days I look in the mirror and roll my eyes. I can’t believe where I am or how I got here, but then again I know the answer.

We got good news from Boston yesterday, well as could as you could want. The doctor said my cousin’s operation went well. He’s pretty sure the tumor isn’t cancerous. They will have more information soon. In some small way I would like to think that my prayers for him every night have helped. It’s funny how most people don’t believe in a god until they have to ask him for something. I’m not overly religious, but I do pray for all of my friends and family every night when I go to bed.  One of my friends is going through a nerve wracking time right now. I can’t imagine walking in the same line. Every night I pray that the doctors figure out what’s going on with her health.  Her mom is suffering right now too.  I pray that they are able to treat whatever they find after the tests come back. Life is so unpredictable that it’s scary.

More than anything I’m thankful that I’ve had 40 birthdays to celebrate so far. My parents have given me the ability to live a complete life. As I tell everyone, if I died tomorrow I could honestly say that I’ve lived a complete life. I’ve done almost anything I’ve every wanted to do. I’ve experienced the highs and lows in life. They picked me up when I was down and kept me grounded when I was high. I’ve had the ability to experience many things that all children and adults could benefit from and I’m still open for more. I am who I am because of all of those who have helped me along the way. Even if it was a small gesture I remember people for what they do. I might seem distant to many, but I’m very thankful to what you people have given to me.

Now it is completely dark outside. The daylight has faded on another year of my life. I’m now committed to marching down this new path in the forest that I spoke of earlier. As a whaler sails the sea in search of tails, I’m now committed to finding some type of normalcy once again. There are sure to be rough seas ahead, but I’ll get to the whaling ground before long.