It’s once again that time of year where I make my annual pilgrimage to the first home that I owned. This might sound crazy to many, but I do it now because there’s not much activity and the snow has usually subsided enough to let me see what I’m looking for. As I slowly drove down the street the other day I could see the line of spruce trees coming, which once signaled the border of my property. When I cleared them I looked down the trees to the far end of the yard. There he was, just the very top of his head sticking out of the snow. He had survived another grueling winter. He is my little tree.
Many years ago when I was having a hard time in my marriage I read someplace that it was good to buy a plant or small tree and practice loving it unconditionally. The article said that it would help in all relationships and other areas of life. After I finished the article I stored it away in the back of my head.
Later that same year I was in Colorado for my annual elk hunting trip with my father and friends. As I sat in the woods a short distance from camp I spotted a tree that I thought would be perfect for my yard. I figured I could plant it at the end of the big spruces. My neighbor had planted one on his side, but it never seemed to take very well and it kind of looked like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. I used to make fun of him about it when we were both outside doing yardwork. Although it was illegal I dug the tree up and transported it back to New York.
When I got home I never said a word to anyone about it. I dug a hole in the yard and planted my little tree. I took good care of it and vowed to love it unconditionally. I would visit it every day when I got out of work even if it was pouring rain or heavy snow. I would stand in my yard, feel its branches and tell it that I loved it. I did this day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year. I talked to it every day and shared my deepest thoughts with it. My tree was very healthy and grew significantly every year. My neighbor once asked me what I did to get it to grow so well. I made up some stupid story about fertilizer and grooming. I surely wasn’t going to tell him the truth. If I did he probably would have thought I was a few cards short of a deck. Therefore I chose to keep my secret to myself. I never told anyone, but I continued doing it every time I was in the lawn. Eventually I began to understand what the article had spoken about. I realized how incredibly easy it was to love something unconditionally when it doesn’t have feelings or the ability to speak. When something speaks we often put conditions on everything that comes out of the mouth. We are easily hurt my something someone might say or do when in reality we just took it the wrong way because we made it into what we wanted to hear, rather than listening and understanding what they actually said. It becomes a nasty cycle.
As time moves forward in most relationships, without even knowing it most people put conditions on their love. I will love you if you do everything exactly like I want you to do it. I won’t love you if you let me down. I won’t love you if I think you’re doing something to annoy me. The list goes on and on. That’s where mole hills become mountains and before you know it there’s no possible way to scale the mountain that is suddenly gaining more height by the day.
That’s where I know that my little tree saved me. It gave me the ability to love people for who they are and not what I want them to be. It made me realize that I have to keep a stable, quiet mind even in times of distress. Sometimes we want people to do what we want them to do and when they don’t we are let down. However if we don’t put conditions on them and just love them for who they are we won’t set ourselves up to be let down. It sounds very easy, but it’s not. There were times where I had to bite my tongue, but I did, knowing that it was for the greater good of my soul. I didn’t make excuses for anyone’s actions and I continued to love unconditionally. My tree gave me the strength and ability to do something that so few people can do. I’m not sure if I’m more thankful for reading the article or actually find the perfect tree to bring home.
When I eventually sold that house and moved I left my tree behind. That is why I still drive by, even today, just to check on it, acknowledge it and in my own way thank it for giving me one of the greatest gifts I ever could have asked for.
Years later I went through a horrible divorce. It wasn’t something that I would ever want to experience again and I would never wish it upon another person. It tore my guts out and wore on me for a very long time. I think much of that reason is because I had learned to love unconditionally along the way. I had ingrained in my head that no matter what anyone did to me I would still love them. I’m still glad that I learned that lesson. When many people would have stooped to another level I stayed true to myself. At times it was very tough, but I kept remembering not to put conditions on the actions of others. Everyone does things for a reason. I accepted that and left it at that.
I’ve taken a little slack this week for not being happy or excited about what happened in the news. Well, I don’t take pleasure in anyone’s pain no matter who they are. It’s not me. I was saddened and that was about it. If I had put conditions on many of the actions that transpired I would probably have felt different. However, I stayed the path and realized that I must always stay true to myself. I am who I am and I will never change. Some of the people that might not like that right now may benefit a great deal from it in the future. I don’t try to defend myself, as I feel I shouldn’t have to. I’m finally at peace in my life and I’m a grown adult who can make my own decisions.
I would highly recommend buying a small plant at the nursery this spring when you’re getting ready to do the annual yardwork. You never know what it might bring to your life. My dog hasn’t always been the best pet in the world, but I have always loved him unconditionally. Once again, he doesn’t have the ability to talk. In your current relationships don’t put so much emphasis on what comes out of the mouth. Instead, focus on what got you together and be thankful for all of the great qualities that come to the forefront, rather than creating your own meaning for another person’s choice of words or actions.
As I drove past the house I couldn’t do anything other than smile. It brought me back to a very peaceful time when I learned one of the greatest things I have learned in this life so far. It definitely helped me in one of the lowest points of my life and I’m sure there will be a few people who will benefit a great deal from it in the future.